Go The Nuggets

I took an uber to the airport and it was rough. Stop n go the whole way and the driver had several air fresheners in the car that were *a lot.* I get motion sickness easily so that was brutal. Wasn’t feeling much better at DIA but had to board. And now I’m 30,000 above with nothing but regrets.

The universe owes you replacment pasta. There is a pasta deficit. Anti-Pasta, if you will.

In 2001 I went to The Macaroni Grill™️ with my family, and the server dropped my bowl of leftover pasta when taking it away to put it in a box. I was compensated with a coupon good for a free dessert at another visit instead of getting replacement pasta. I have never stopped being mad about this.

I have a recurring dream that I have an apartment in Ft. Collins that I never visit, until I remember and panic that there’s two cats in the apartment that haven’t gotten food or water. They end up being fine. I haven’t lived in Ft. Collins since 2005 and I have never had a cat. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aaron Gordon had just taken the court when the Nuggets announced he would be available tonight. He’s just getting to the form-shooting portion of his pregame routine.

With Ancestry DNA and the help of a genealogist a few years back, I uncovered the (very surprising) identities of my dad’s biological parents. Thanks to that info and my bio grandfather (who was a dirty cheater btw) being from Nova Scotia, ya girl is eligible for Canadian citizenship. 🇨🇦

Going to the Broncos Night of Champions with the hope that I can tell Von Miller I once tweeted that I would not have his children because I didn’t want a baby to strip sack my uterus.

Guess what I’m cookin up

I’ve been getting yelled at by a whiny 6 year old since 8:00 am. He’s like if a hangover took human form.

A coworker ruined my weekend last night by texting me some infuriating intel about a thing I can’t deal with until Monday so I’m spending the day in Rumination Station™️.

It’s Friday night, please adore Carmy

Please pray for me, the taxes that I have avoided doing are still not done and I don’t know why god keeps handing me these kinds of battles

If there’s one thing I wish I had learned much earlier in life, it would be pasta water.

When I was teetering on a panic attack earlier today I decided a wholsie of my medication was needed instead of the usual halfsie and now I feel like when Will Ferrell got the dart in his neck in Old School

My kid lost a tooth at school but apparently swallowed it, and he’s very upset. Should the tooth fairy still deliver on this or…?

Not a drill: for the first time in ??? years I’m wearing Rockies gear that doesn’t say “SELL” on it.

It’s my 10th annual “I swore I was going to hire an accountant this year but I didn’t and now I have to do our taxes” ritual

“Wal-Mart Lightly Pennertrates the Monforts’ Dumb Bullshit” My column

The worst part of us all getting nuked and dying is all the “are we great yet” texts that I’ll never get to send

Do we really believe that he’ll abide by the ceasefire because let’s remember, he’s actually a terrorist

And now, apparently, I need to sign on to Zoom meetings to talk about chatGPT and EBITDA and Workday

Is anyone gonna do anything Is Chuck Schumer alive

i think if you tweet "a whole civilization will die tonight" you shouldn't go to the hague, the hague should get to come to you

Just called Diana DeGette’s office to express concern about, you know, nuclear war and genocide. I suggest you call your congressperson right now. 202-224-3121

while I was processing Orange Hitler threatening genocide and nuclear war, my son dropped a handful of quarters in my coffee and I had to dump it out.

Armageddon is terrible, but our only other option was diversity trainings at work.

remember those other branches of government

The best thing happening in my life right now is that I have already taken 2nd place in my bracket group since I had Michigan and UConn in the final. One other person did too but he had a few more points than me. I received $92 for this victory.

Happy Easter to everyone who grew up forced to go to church wearing new and uncomfortable clothing on Easter but as an adult you do whatever you want because no one is forcing you to do shit ✨

Where I am in my Rockies fan journey

10/10 no notes

Also, Notre Dame in Reims > Notre Dame in Paris. Jake compared it to doing a 13er in Colorado. Same experience, zero crowd.

The worst person we’ve encountered in France was a white American chick. Being an entitled snob knows no borders ✨

Think about this one like once every 45 minutes

You think you’ve seen the Louvre and then it turns out there’s still 95% more Louvre

If there was one low stakes lesson I could teach boomers it would be that we literally never want them to zoom in to take a photo of anything. Zoom out if you must zoom. Get the giant historic thing I’m standing in front of in the photo. That’s why we’re taking the photo, actually.

Nothing beats Vegas this time of year

Stereotypes of French people are hilariously spot on. These people are like caricatures of the French.

Light a candle for someone and pray …. Aaaaand just a couple of questions

I’m on a flight to Reykjavik right now and remembering when we went to Iceland in July 2017, I stayed up all night listening to Kyle Freeland almost get a no-no. We are both no longer the people who would do those things.

This guy is like the Tiger Woods of DUIs

[trying really hard to make sure this doesn’t sound like a threat] are you ready for Rockies baseball

The only other time I’ve been in France, I panicked and reflexively spoke Spanish to people. And I was clearly an American speaking bad Spanish. That was 20 years ago and I have learned nothing. Hola.

I hope Kyle Freeland has a great opening day, meanwhile I hope all of the Monforts trip into a pile of cow shit that’s actually quicksand cow shit and they disappear forever.

Going to Paris tomorrow. I guess I should get ready for that at some point.

The world may collapse around us but there is one absolute, unrelenting constant: Kris Bryant on the IL

Still saying it here too

Just did my old DTC morning commute to meet someone for breakfast and I cannot believe I did that every day for 8 years IN A STICK SHIFT. god I really used to be built different.