Dear god I almost just sent an IG reel to my dog’s IG account because it reminded me of her

Uh no...we definitely realize it.

There was a puppy at precheck this morning. I repeat, a puppy at precheck!

Started packing for a work trip 90 mins ago when I discovered that my son somehow changed the combination on my luggage lock. I woke him up to ask him what it is and he said he’d think about it and went back to sleep. Then I spent the next hour trying every combo possible and finally got it 😭

Telling my son about Blinky the Clown while he lays in my bed with his first ever intro to the designated “puke bowl”. Now this is the parenting I imagined 💕

I snowboarded today for 3 hours with an instructor which was both great and awful. Professionals make you learn how to do things the right way and unlearn bad habits, and frankly I don’t like things of that nature.

I died of heat stroke because I walked outside in Denver wearing my snowboarding base layer

I love when I’m alone and can chew my gum with wild abandon like the cow I want to be

My phone just presented me with this memory from 2021. Look at all these cuties + Reidy the iced coffee hater

“Don’t tell anyone that while I was terrorizing squirrels through the window that I cracked said window and I would 100% do it again”

You have no idea how often I stop myself from spiraling simply by reminding myself that I have, like, very good hair

Did almost no work this afternoon because I was emotionally wrecked by a hundred Alysa Liu reels and Eric Dane’s famous last words interview. I’ve just been staring at a wall wondering what it must be like to have hopes, dreams, work you’re passionate about, things of that nature.

Seeing posts about the Rockies just ruined my entire weekend.

Alysa Liu is everything

I have been transported back to 1994 (aka the Arvada Skate City)

For reasons, I have to go to the Aurora Costco today. When I input “Costco” to my map search it pulled up the Kauai Costco I go to once a year because that is so much more likely than where I’m actually going.

If I end up dead later it’s because the Jeep Cherokee covered in Trump stickers with license plate “SALSA1” going 6 MPH on 13th ave toward downtown made my fucking head explode

My son created a special valentine for a girl in the other first grade class because yesterday she told him she would give him a ring pop today. Stay tuned here for updates.

Do-si-dos are the elite Girl Scout cookie, no one talks about this

Me, to my car: [hozier voice] take me to work

On one hand my Ring camera is an evil surveillance tool but on the other hand it will capture video of when some type of masked goon (government or otherwise) comes to disappear me

I was told this Seahawks team is the most complete football team that ever existed

I decided to host the Super Bowl function this year so I could control the vibe and only invite people who hate these teams like I hate these teams

Texting all the various Seattle people I work with things like: “I hope your dogshit team slips in dogshit” and “fuck off”

I’ve been a Broncos fan in Seahawks territory since I was 11 years old. Seattle fans are evil people. Rotten to their core. I hate them from the depths of what is left of my soul. Despite all of that, fuck the Patriots.

My 6 year old keeps telling us that luge is not real, it has to be AI. I completely understand his skepticism because it’s fucking wild.

In the summer of 2012 I had a health crisis and was hospitalized for the same two weeks as the summer Olympics and I truly can’t recommend this setup enough

Also I attempted to explain to my 6 year old what “stressed out” means and the best I could do is: “scared, but like for real”

On Sunday I bought one of those big rectangular grocery store cheese danishes and it’s been my primary source of happiness this week. Praise be.

It’s my alcoholic brother’s (who texts me maybe once a year, completely hung me out to dry to handle all of our dad’s Alzheimer’s care and finances, and has shown zero interest in my life or my son’s) birthday! What kind of gif should I send

In honor of Groundhog Day, please share your favorite “Groundhog Day” movie quote. There’s way too many to choose from so I’ll go with: “Watch out for that first step it’s a dooooozy!”

I used to go out on Saturday nights and do anything I wanted and have free drinks provided to me everywhere I went. Now on Saturday nights I fold the laundry of the pint sized terrorist in my house while he yells at me to go into the basement and see the pile of crap he built on another pile of crap

Sometimes when I’m feeling feelings, I go onto GoFundMe and search for fundraisers that support sick basset hounds and just randomly donate. It’s cheaper than therapy.

This one goes out to all those weird dudes on Twitter who used to fight with me about football a decade ago and always resort to the ol “go make sandwiches” line. I do actually make the best sandwiches.

Mood

The unarmed lesbian soccer mom was fair game but they're drawing the line at an armed male nurse who works for the VA. They're getting close.

Fox pivots: Trey Gowdy points out double standard of defending Kyle Rittenhouse and criticizing Alex Pretti

After the game, I witnessed some Pats fans discover that their car had been towed 💕💕💕

Go Rams though

On the bright side, I would have gone to Santa Clara for the Super Bowl and probably would have had a very bad time.

You know what’s sad? The Pats have been playing with this QB their whole season

I forgot to take my pre-game preemptive Advil but you know what? Fuck it I’ll live

Maye paying tribute to Tom Brady by getting his shit rocked at Mile High.

New England Puntriots

I have actually never been warmer

I’m sitting next to 4 Pats fans btw

The sun just broke through the clouds at Mile High Literally and figuratively

SMOOTH AND STIDDY

Mile High is loud. as. fuck. 🧡🧡🧡

Just ran into @moriahjaybird.bsky.social at the game and that’s a sign the magic is here