Baby’s first $750 emergency vet visit 🥰

Nice, quiet Saturday with no plans so of course Carmy decided it’s time for her first emergency vet visit

NO KINGS (except for me)!

Is this the most bougie 6 year old in Denver? Probably

I slammed a finger in the front door and was certain I died but alas here I am, still alive.

I had to start measuring out my pistachio snacks because eating handful after handful while saying “oh but it’s healthy fat” was actually not the move

I just made an important purchase www.nflshop.com/denver-bronc...

One flaw of mine is that I’m incapable of saying the words “your mom” without it sounding like a YOUR MOM joke. Really makes it difficult to kindly ask about someone’s sick mom. “Hey, how’s YOUR MOM feeling?” Tried saying “your mother” instead and it somehow sounds even worse.

That Josh Allen pistachios commercial has my 6 year old absolutely howling. Perhaps the most he has ever LOL’d in his life.

Christine is pretty good. I think I watched it last year too but idk something about an evil car 👍

I have a theory that Butker wants to get cut so he can blame the woke NFL for oppressing him which will land him to his new job in the White House as Chief Warlord of Women and Children

MOOD #BRONCOSCOUNTRY

Just a hell of a game by the defense. They are the ONLY reason why Denver will win this game.

Broncos innit

The Broncos’ defense is the only winner I saw out there today

Congrats on the win you fuckin losers

Usually football only ruins half of my Sunday

Manifesting a big turnover, join me

Blow Nix

*IF* the Broncos win this game they’re still losers imho

This game is not very cash money rn

Every time he embarrasses us I will embarrass him

Bolles gonna Bolles

Jets playing not to lose, and yet somehow still losing. Bold.

It’s game day, bitchachos. #BroncosCountry

Reporting live from Spirit Halloween that I still hate Halloween

I have never been so confident that Travis Kelce actually has a micropenis.

I am a Jacksonville Jaguars fan

I rescind the shit I talked about my team today

Really glad I didn’t turn off the game to go to the Cherry Creek mall and pickup an unnecessary but cute bear sweater from Nordstrom that I ordered for Austin and probably also get something at Wetzel’s Pretzels

Play to win, baby, never doubted them for a second tbh

FUCK YEAH BRONCOS

I may be partially responsible for the poor outcome of this game due to how much I’ve recently said that Silver Linings Playbook is underrated and actually a true classic film

I’m disassociating from the Broncos game because I have this little thing called self-respect

You know who didn’t get stabbed last night?

“Why does my kid not want to spend 3 hours every Sunday watching the Broncos with me?”, I wonder while showing all the signs of emotional dysregulation that he is forced to take deep breaths about

Questioning my Bolief

Blow Nix

To be fair to Mark Sanchez, attacking a 69 year old truck driver was an incredibly effective way to ensure that the Butt Fumble™️ isn’t the dumbest thing people remember him for.

It’s game day, bitchachos. #BroncosCountry

One time, 2 years ago, I landed at DIA after a work trip and immediately took an Uber to the emergency vet to see my very sick dog who died shortly after. Now every time I land at DIA and open Uber, it populates the emergency vet as my go-to destination. love that!

I have various mixed opinions on Taylor Swift and her music, which aligns with my experience of listening to her new album where half of it I was like “yes this is something I can have on in the background” and the other half I was like “why does this remind me of the 40 Year Old Virgin”.

I have landed in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of

It’s game day, bitchachos. #BroncosCountry

United Airlines believes that the key to making the boarding process more enjoyable is to blast “Drops of Jupiter” on the plane. If that isn’t the most airline ass move, I don’t know what is?

Flying to the east coast is trash, sorry if this offends

If I could find the photo of that sad emo couple at the Trailblazers game that would be my “war ravaged Portland” skeet but I can’t find the pic. So use your imagination.