Wilfully suspending my default cynicism, I’m joyously blubbing at the latest Long Lost Family. Am I being emotionally manipulated by mawkish sentimental stories of hardship, and subsequent life-changing reunions? Yes. Do I give any number of shits? Not a fucking one, Yer Honour!

If you think that adults taking Tylenol hurt kids, just wait until you read what the adults in the Epstein Files were doing to them.

Please hold caller, otherwise caller will feel unloved; your punctuation is important to us.

Yeah, it’s alright… 🤷🏼

Can’t take me anywhere… 🤭

“I hate that duck!” #KidzInnitBro #OrvilleMustDie

Yeah, it’s alright… 🤷🏼

It’s “more best”, for fuck’s sake…! 🤨

At Alton Towers today, and apart from a) realising my cronky hip (technical term) precludes my comfortably perching on some hitherto absolutely manageable rides, and b) having my default inclination towards loathing the scutters of the human race confirmed, it’s going okay 🤓 Saw some toadstools 🤩

Please hold caller, otherwise caller will feel unloved; your punctuation is important to us.

Americans I am begging you to sort this out. Your mad racist uncle has shat himself in public again.

This is very powerful. #MentalHealth

It’s the rapture… cominatcha!

Ditched Labour and joined the Green Party on the same day. Haven’t felt this optimistic for bloody ages ✌🏼😎

Me, on the way to the rapture:

“Daphne! Don’t come in, for Christ’s sake! I’m kinning my arse off in here…” #CallMyBluff

20 days. We have just overtaken the Lib Dems both in polling and in members. We're just getting started. Join.greenparty.org.uk

Anyone shocked that Reform plan to deport immigrants with Indefinite Leave to Remain hasn’t been paying attention. Next it will be stripping citizenship from dual citizens, then deporting them. Who do you think Reform are? This. This is who they are.

Not going away, Donald.

Resting botch face.

What’s your sign?

What’s your sign?

“… but only if requests are made via the appropriate channels.”

What the fucking fuck? 😳

Weather person on R4 just referred to a “rain band”, and I felt compelled to repeat the words, audibly and to myself, in the manner of “Roland!”, a la Grange Hill. Yep. 🤓

Three of the top eight headlines on BBC News app begin with either “Trump says…” or “Trump suggests…”, and I don’t even know WHY I STILL FUCKING LOOK AT THE BBC NEWS APP. 🤯 Morning.

I do adore appearing deliberately obtuse, but simultaneously worry that my apparent fuckwittedness is perceived as entirely genuine… 😄 Although it’s fair to say, sometimes it is. Innit.

Can he not just fuck the fucking fuck off? The fucking fucker. #FuckThatFuckingFuckerWithAFuckingMassiveSpikyFuckingDildo (Yeah. Him.) 😤

I will never not adore @privateeyenews.bsky.social 😂👌🏼

Just audibly farted in the toilets at work; going to be nervously checking glances from colleagues, when I cross the corridor back to the office. Really hope I get an 8/10, at least ☺️

Her, not you. Obviously.

“Nobody wrote that story, I stopped a war, but not a single… did anyone write that story? But that’s okay, the people know. Did anyone write that story?” #TrumpVTheTruth

Stroppy, malevolent fucking gobshite. (Need to get to bed, but this is so fucking good…) #TrumpvTheTruth

My Dad has Alzheimer’s, and can be very argumentative, even when (often) demonstrably wrong. Just saying. #TrumpVTheTruth

'Tomato release, Aubergine the, Potato Epstein, Turnip files.

Will the owner of a black Rolls Royce, registration number HRH 1 - oh fuck that's me.

"And then Neil goes, 'I hope Mike hurries back with the cure', meaning like medicine cos he's sick, right? But then Vyv goes 'no Neil, it's Madness this week' cos he thinks he means like the band The Cure. Oh, I forgot to say Madness are playing Our House in this bit. Fucking classic, man."

I get that this narcissistic cunt can only see himself as a glorious human being, but how has even he not realised the skincare sabotage being exacted upon him by whoever partially Tangos his chops, every fucking day? 😂🤯🫠😬🫥

Jesus Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey. The state of it…

Head jog! 🤩

Thumb-pointing wankers can get to fucking fuck. The fucking fuckers. #ThumbPointWanker (And I’m done.)

It's incredible how close the Red Arrows fly together, must take nerves of steel

SOGGY.

Day off. Woken early by the gushing splatter of a flooded gutter. Try saying that without raising an eyebrow… Mornin’.

If you see this, quote with the energy you bring to Bluesky…

Thumb-pointing wankers can get to fucking fuck. The fucking fuckers. #ThumbPointWanker (And I’m done.)

Head jog! 🤩

Can we just skip the next few years of inevitable shit and proceed straight to the Nuremberg bit?