I bet you one pound you didn’t think I was posh enough to have an asparagus pan. Well, you’re WRONG, I do, you all owe me one pound.

brb just changing the colour balance on my tv for Danny’s face #MAFSau

De facto acquittal if the defendant says ‘sozzles’.

I was in the Mere Green M&S w my sister, paying for something w cash, trying to find the money, said ‘this is taking ages, sozzles’ to the cashier and it actually hurt, I was trying so hard not to laugh.

I love this, it’s so fucking REAL. (Cue Ian. “Of course it’s fucking REAL, what do you think we are, fucking CYBORGS? Fucking AI?”) anyway, I really admire long term relationships. Well done Mr and Mrs Ian.

This first Turner nominee, a man giving an a hour long recitation about growing up in the north in the 80s and 90s … I’ve met a lot of him.

I'll be giving my talk about John Cage, Music & Mushrooms in Brighton on May 6th. It should be fun, I'm fairly confident my bit is anyway.

One thing I’ve learned from #MAFSAU: the minute you describe yourself as an empath, is the clearest possible indicator that you’re not.

Sitting in the GP surgery, I Want To Know What Love Is on the speakers, tannoy call for next patient for Dr Butcher… if anyone’s looking for the opening scene of a sitcom.

I was locked out of bluesky for 12 hours and I missed it please love me

Talking about the price of stuff reminds me of my late mum. (Everything does tbh.) I would never tell her how much I’d spent on shoes, or a haircut. Just those two things, I’d halve.

blimey FOUR POUND FIFTY for a Guardian. I could buy a coffee for that.

Spotted Peter Mandelson at the Wallace Collection

Hard relate to the Artemis II crew enjoying food they’ve missed. I once went to Greece and didn’t have an avocado for ten whole days. #artemisII #thestruggle

was that Melania speech one of Iran’s demands

Should be against the law to be inside on such a beaut of a day, and yet here we are *sent from my sofa*

DickTok

Did someone say Battersea Park herons? This was mine from yesterday, totally earwigging my convo w a pal, trying to get our intel.

Here's some music for the Astrally-minded weekenders. Ideal for command module piloting or some light dusting. In a brill cover by "Mr. Drawing" himself @happytoast.co.uk If you could repost I'd be very grateful, I er rather need to sell some CDs xx thesonsofsilence1.bandcamp.com/album/astro-...

Lord grant me the confidence of an NYT reviewer who’ll press SEND without obsessively reading his work 73 times to make sure every last comma is in the right place.

Is anyone seeing this Tyson dude on #MAFSAUS? I’m fewmin. Absolute dick.

WE DON’T WANT IT I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE

Clearing my late mum’s house. Surely SURELY there’s a Pam out there who’d like this book. Pam, make yourself known.

Headline in today's Broadcast "Gary Barlow takes Jason Manford to New Zealand for ITV Travelogue" feels like the last straw. Stop telling us there's no money to make TV when you're sending dull millionaires on free holidays. FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Who is watching this shit? *eye twitch*

Just back from the Royal Court seeing John Proctor is The Villain. Fucking AMAZING. Theatre full of young people! It can happen! I’m BUZZING.

Woke up fucking furious that yet again ordinary people will be expected to pay more just to live because of some stupid fucking egomaniacal warmongering fucking cunt. Morning!

That’s like David Mitchell’s script on The Unbelievable Truth. “Script: a collection of pre-written sentences spoken aloud often in a performance context”.

Stuck the fact on the back of my little greetings cards, cos I love the shouty wee buggers… #wren #birds #birdart (Cards available at dippyfishcards.etsy.com) #ukgiftam #bsnm

This is why people don’t want *checks notes* SHRIMP moving in next door

I'll let Lev answer that cos I don't know. But this is a lovely blog written by my colleague A Bundle of Winter Wrens | Sussex Wildlife Trust share.google/CbCg6S4vdLC6...

Just watching a tiny wren in my garden. Fuck me, it was loud. I wondered, are birds the loudest creatures in a size/volume ratio? I bet @levparikian.bsky.social will know.

Nobody tell Raynor Winn.

Sade. (Any/all)

Best film of the season is *still* the most Oscar nominated of all time. Don’t piss on its parade you dubious cunts.

I've had to make phone calls this morning. Put me on the £5 note.

Happy birthday to the finest of men, and his very fine album 👇🏻

Extraordinary piece, brilliant writing.

NEXT SUNDAY! All Remembered Mothers' names to me please by 10p.m Saturday 14th. Reposts appreciated.

Any Brummie of my generation will get a memory jolt when they look at the background of this picture. Can anyone help Mike with his query?

You’d have to pay me a lot of money to read the new Will Self. Even then I’d pretend. Nope. Not in this house.

Just finished the latest Ann Tyler. Disappointingly slight. Not even going to recommend it for my pamphlet club.

You know what? Let’s not fact check the idiots who think Ayatollah Khameini, the Iranian supreme leader killed today, was the same guy as Ayatollah Khomeini, who led the Islamic Revolution in 1979. Let them believe he was 124 years old. In fact, persuade them he was kept alive as a head in a jar.

It’s hard to imagine a worse reaction to losing the by-election than Starmer has done. Every possible opportunity missed. No lessons learned.

Mothering Sunday on March 15th. It's hard if she's not around. I'll be reading out the names of our remembered #Mums26 from the top of the Ashton Memorial in Lancaster. You can see across the sea to the Lake District. If you'd like your Mum/Mam/Mom's name added to the list, reply with hashtag! ❤️ 👑

Well would you look at that. Five series in and we’re still winning prizes 😎

Fantastic interview. Everyone should read it:

What, the word that we call ‘the N word’ because we know how offensive and actively harmful it is?

I do feel that the arrest of Peter Mandelson is an issue that unites people at all points of the political spectrum.

The replies to this are all 100% top notch funny, if that’s what you need rn