Man calls on tree falling towards his house to land on his house

Thoughts served to me at 3.30am: 1) As a newish listener to The Archers I hope to Jesus they’ve done the menopause already so I don’t have to go through that with them

Come and join us at @booksellercrow.bsky.social in Crystal Palace on Thurs 11 Dec with the team from @deserterblog.bsky.social, to launch and celebrate both our new books. I will be interviewed about my #IntoTheGroove book by @clairywoowoo.bsky.social. It will be fun. Please come!

Woman in the pool changing room saying how she’d done a 10mile run as a break from cleaning her house and I tried to stay neutral but hmmm not sure maybe my face betrayed me

I can't wait to see how Trump will persuade a Judge to hear a case beyond the deadline where he has to establish his reputation was severely harmed. Harmed so badly that he didn't know the programme existed until more than a year later.

For crying out loud @zarahsultana.bsky.social

Publish Epstein’s emails in a book and call them experimental literature

Honestly, I'm about to waste a £60 ticket for the BRILLIANT French singer Zaho de Sagazan, from 7pm at the Palladium. Please can someone take it. I can't make it. She is amazing. I'm gutted.

The worst you can accuse Panorama of doing is making a misleading edit – and I’d dispute that! – to make *a point that was true*. The programme aired without anyone seeing any issues with the edit. It was on iPlayer for a year without complaints. Donald Trump *did* incite Jan 6th.

It is utter bullshit that the mistaken splicing of two bits of his January 6th 2021 speech on Panorama in October 2024 had any significant impact whatsoever on the reputation of Donald Trump in Britain, or globally, and the claim for $1 billion damages is bullshit and bullying by the US president

Kindness

Brain woke me at 5.30 to run through the women my ex asked to marry him, while he was married to me. It’s only 3 or 4 afaik, and spread over a long time, to be fair.

I’m pioneering a new thing and I’ll write about it in the Guardian and you’ll all be FURIOUS: slow swimming

Been spoilered on Instagram by Gayle Tuesday. (File under: sentences I never expected to write.)

I hope Mamdani's Aloof Wife briefly allowed the faintest of faint smiles to flicker almost imperceptibly on her otherwise immobile lips

Be interesting to see how they inject tension into what’s really a foregone conclusion #GBBO

Really very pleased someone is out there delivering this sort of biting journalism at 7.45pm on a Sunday night.

AD BREAK, yes

I’m watching that knitting thing and the cremation ad in the interval* might tell us all we need to know about the demographic they expect. *wtf is the word I mean? The gap for ads?

i would like a new rule. Whenever an MP gets away with an infringement, we all get to get away with it. An amnesty should be passed for 12 months dated from the day the MP says 'sorry' and that rule doesn't have to be followed by anyone in the nation during that time

Kate Garroways ENTIRE contribution to this has been saying ‘you all think it’s me’ when no one has mentioned her at all. (Oh also her hairline) #CelebrityTraitors

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look upon my... yeah, sure, it's O. Z. Y. M ... no, O for Oscar. Z for Zebra ...no worries, I'm not in a hurry.

is JR the only one who is mean-spirited? It feels that way, but correct me if I’ve forgotten summat #CelebrityTraitors

Hollywood. What a cunt. #BakeOff

Me, when anyone on Bake Off says ‘horn’: ha ha ha! Me, when Paul Hollywood says it: eurgh you disgust me #GreatBritishBakeOff

What if Simon Calder is ill? Can no broadcaster do travel news until he’s better? Because there’s clearly no one else.

Went to see The Unbelievers at the Royal Court. Thought it was superb - I laughed, cried, had an existential crisis. Guardian two stars.

FOR.FUCKS.SAKE #celebritytraitors

Out two nights in a row, if you’re looking for a new hero.

Remember The Fast Show sketches where a woman in a meeting would make a point and a man would then just repeat it? I present a classic of the genre with Ria Lina and Tim Shipman, just now on R4.

There’s a woman on my bus holding up a chicken and saying ‘chicken! CHICKEN!’ to the person she’s FaceTiming, who is perhaps learning to distinguish meats?

NOTE TO EDITOR: Embarrassing your family is turning up a day late for your Nan’s 90th birthday, not assaulting underage girls & sex trafficking with your evil best mate

If I was engagement farming, I'd ask 'what do your google searches say about you?' but as indicated, I was not born yesterday.

My google searches are a clear sign when I'm working on Duggee-related stuff. (Yes, they can, lucky for me.)

The Tories aren't in power, so their immigration plans are irrelevant. They can really go for it. What they DO do is provide perfect cover for Labour to look reasonable in comparison, while still acting like absolute cnuts.

If I ask what your star sign is, it’s because I’m deeper than you, ok? (Gemini)

I don't think there's anything more objectionable in this Louis Theroux interview with Bob Vylan than Louis' repeated use of 'Glasto'.

If you haven't already wished @leerandall.bsky.social a happy birthday, now's your chance. (It's her birthday.) HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEE!

My 14-year-old self would never have guessed that, in 50 years' time, all the world's music would be available at the click of a button, you'd navigate the globe by carrying a tiny computer around in your pocket, and the US President would post a video of himself shitting over American citizens.

One cannot hope to bribe or twist/ The British-Iranian humourist…

If I was on Traitors I’d have to insist on matinee round tables because all those late nights would be the death of me.

Jesus they are stupid #CelebrityTraitors

Well, Aleister Crowley wrote a poem foreseeing it, so that's something

In the glory days of Twitter, Celia’s fart would have had its own account by now #celebritytraitors

cc @rickburin.bsky.social

Why is Paul Hollywood such an absolutely charmless twat? #GBBO

Yesterday my etsy shop had preciously one view. (And i think that was probably me) If you like my stuff please repost. An eccentric millionaire with lots of empty wall space could be scrolling your timeline right now. marswasrubbish.etsy.com/listing/1579...

“That’s one gone!”, says a dad to me as he drops his son at nursery. “One more to go!” he says, pointing at his daughter sitting in the car. “Just need to get rid of the wife, and I’m sorted!“ he laughs, expecting me to laugh too, but to his surprise I smash him about the head with a ceremonial mace