A prayer for all the poor sods filming their Xmas ads at the moment. All the fake snow and big jumpers.

Fucksake even my toothpaste is hot.

Having what I’m calling the wankers lunch, should you want to order it in a pub. (Whipped feta in celery, sliced tomato w salt, oil and slices of smoked mozzarella.) #toohotforcarbs

*counts heads* We all made it. Well done. We go again tomorrow.

Just ran for the bus. Honourable mention at the Pride of Britain Awards, minimum.

They’re tracking Burnham as he gets off the train. World’s gone f’in bonkers.

Kier going a bit teary seems to have worked on all the men on my timeline, at least. 'Man cries not just for himself but for us all' (SURELY the bar has to be higher than 'man appears to like own family')

*winces, sucks teeth* some of you aren’t going to like this I’m that old guy in the pub making predictions about the score, only I’m an old bird in bed and it’s Wordle.

Oh god just went to a thing and was CHATTY. Don’t leave me.

Keep social media for 16yolds but ban the use of a QWERTY keyboard layout for a search function where you’re using a remote. #NicheHillToDieOn

PLUS: ALL AGES. YOUNG KIDS! Old people. Everyone.

It is such an INCREDIBLE achievement to be an artist that everybody* loves, without being one single jot saccharine or predictable or tiresome. No claims of sell out, or boring, or populist or repetitive. INCREDIBLE #Hockney *Don't. It's not your time.

‘Proud chain-smoking homosexual’. Fuckin love that for him. #Hockney

Meet you round the back for a commemorative ciggie.

These are the 30 women killed since 2020 in Northern Ireland, all by white men 21 killed in their homes by men they knew. The youngest 20, the oldest 82 21 were mothers, 4 were killed with their children in the home. Two were pregnant Nobody rioted over their murders www.bbc.com/news/article...

Still get a little frisson when it’s called the men’s World Cup.

This is when we find out that Suchet was actually 31 when he played Poirot.

Police have gone from institutionally racist to anti-white in the time it took me to change my duvet cover? Don’t think so.

Woman in the hairdresser told me she'd written a book of poems for children, did I have any advice? And now I've got the phrase "Bin it. Children don't want poems, Alison" in my head.

So annoying being self employed, have to embezzle me own funds.

Met a man who said he had an area of expertise, which was luxury men’s goods. Wish I’d said oh ya me too, potato-based snack products. But I was polite and said right, interesting.

Can’t remember who it was the other day that recommended changing my Google location to France, but FÉLICITATIONS I no longer get AI in the search results. Bloody awesome

What were they thinking of when they did that? You get the impression they’re trying to make out it’s a bit of ‘fun.’ Makes my stomach churn. Feels deeply disrespectful to the memory of those ‘real’ people.

I'm not. Every time I see one of those little 'everything we do is funded by you' platitudes on the BBC now, I'm going to yell I DO NOT PAY MY LICENCE FEE FOR AI WINSTON FUCKING CHURCHILL

Heatherprick.

I’m on a Heatherwick bus. I’ve been in cooler saunas.

oh GOOD now you're all going to be generating titles for dr who and we just finished the Star Wars one (was it Star Wars? Some other space thing?) and why can't we have title generators for something I like, so I can play, something like looks around there's nothing. carry on.

Clear, articulate and to the point. We need so much more of this.

People aren’t ‘scared of technology’ you f’in idiots. They are resisting the financialisation* of their LIVES. #R4 *is that a word? Dunno.

People want a Tony Blair essay about as much as they want toenail soup. I'm glad we're united on this

Just got a bit nostalgic about wearing socks. It’s been three days. Don’t policemen look young. #hotwhileold

That’s my podcast sorted.

Opened a tin of cannellini beans when I wanted chick peas. Now waiting for my Guardian commission, My Wrong Bean Hell.

Alas poor Boris . . .

Fungal Fabricant

Saw this on my dog walk. Either someone lost their wig or DEADLY QUICKSAND.

Oh yes of *course* I cried at the end, you know me #RaceAcrossTheWorld

Didn’t think seeing the new Banksy would be the highlight of my evening, but after that I saw Oh, Mary (renamed Oh Jesus in my house).

Jesus Christ, Streeting's timing. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET FARAGE HAVE THE HEADLINES YOU POWER-CRAZED OZEMPIC'D BILLY BUNTER

Never heard an MP be more “making it up as I go along” as Catherine ‘who?’ West on R4 just now.

Dreamed I was commissioned to write a book about Ukraine. I was to interview Eddie Izzard, as an expert on Putin.

Out shopping w my youngest and his gf. She is looking for vintage lingerie, “from the 90s”. I’ve kept so quiet you’d hardly know me.

Man at polling station: If Nigel Farage lets me down, I’ll never vote again. Mate. Take a good look round. You won’t see this place again.

If you want an example of ‘jumping the shark’ - Hacks, ep5. It’s … ugly.

Why are most of this bunch of Aussies SO hung up on trad male and female roles/behaviours? It’s 2026 FFS! #MAFSAU

‘Great reaction on the doorstep’

A Labour candidate knocked my door. My elderly dog snuck out and did a poo in next door’s driveway. It wasn’t the finest hour for any of us.

Imagine going on a cruise tho Also, sorry this happened to you.

I bet you one pound you didn’t think I was posh enough to have an asparagus pan. Well, you’re WRONG, I do, you all owe me one pound.