I've had to make phone calls this morning. Put me on the £5 note.

Happy birthday to the finest of men, and his very fine album 👇🏻

Extraordinary piece, brilliant writing.

NEXT SUNDAY! All Remembered Mothers' names to me please by 10p.m Saturday 14th. Reposts appreciated.

Any Brummie of my generation will get a memory jolt when they look at the background of this picture. Can anyone help Mike with his query?

You’d have to pay me a lot of money to read the new Will Self. Even then I’d pretend. Nope. Not in this house.

Just finished the latest Ann Tyler. Disappointingly slight. Not even going to recommend it for my pamphlet club.

You know what? Let’s not fact check the idiots who think Ayatollah Khameini, the Iranian supreme leader killed today, was the same guy as Ayatollah Khomeini, who led the Islamic Revolution in 1979. Let them believe he was 124 years old. In fact, persuade them he was kept alive as a head in a jar.

It’s hard to imagine a worse reaction to losing the by-election than Starmer has done. Every possible opportunity missed. No lessons learned.

Mothering Sunday on March 15th. It's hard if she's not around. I'll be reading out the names of our remembered #Mums26 from the top of the Ashton Memorial in Lancaster. You can see across the sea to the Lake District. If you'd like your Mum/Mam/Mom's name added to the list, reply with hashtag! ❤️ 👑

Well would you look at that. Five series in and we’re still winning prizes 😎

Fantastic interview. Everyone should read it:

What, the word that we call ‘the N word’ because we know how offensive and actively harmful it is?

I do feel that the arrest of Peter Mandelson is an issue that unites people at all points of the political spectrum.

The replies to this are all 100% top notch funny, if that’s what you need rn

Current most annoying ad: Charlie Bighams. ‘People think we made him up. Well, here he is.’ Animated man appears.

Wouldnt it be GREAT if local councils agreed to NOT rent this scoundrel’s empty flats for temporary accommodation, leaving them empty and him without the income. Sigh.

Looking forward to the new series of 24 Hours in Police Custody. Should be a cracker.

The only thing that may be useful is the arrest means they have power to seize his documents and digital devices so they may find evidence of that thing we all think he did but I can't say because of the Contempt Of Court Act.

I hope every rich nonce in the UK & beyond is brought down because three hours in a custody cell with no staff and vending machine coffee breaks Andrew like a dropped trifle

My current state of mind perfectly summed up by a friend: They are so precious These rare old birds When they fall It feels monumental

I did the eulogy at my mum’s funeral yesterday. An old codger came up to me after and said ‘you should be a stand-up’. No gif exists for my complex set of expressions, don’t even try.

Lovely to hear children’s books getting airtime on R4 with new author Alexander Armstrong.

Is this where we find out that Mandelson gets some incredible pension for retiring?

If they don't call it That's Centre Tainment, I walk

What’s next for Peter Mandelson? Got to be a podcast. With an ‘amusing counterpart’, I’m thinking Ann Widdecombe or Nicky Hallam.

This was quite the unforced error. There was absolutely no pressing need for Mandelson to have a role in government.

Are we supposed to believe that his not being member of the party means he'll stop influencing its policies? Do they think we are stupid? #r4today

Almost tempted to join the Labour Party so I can resign from it. (Rather than just ‘no longer be a member’)

I don’t want to see that pic of Andrew’s fat torso over the prone body of a teenage girl thank you. Why do you need visuals. Don’t repost that shit.

Blimey this has given me such a visceral flashback. Pull my toggle and call me TRIGGERED.

Such a great book too! uk.bookshop.org/p/books/brea...

I love how every now and again I come across a post that perfectly illustrates everything I wrote about in my book about amateur theatre 1/27965

I'm just looking to buy some hankies (reasons) and OMG what the FUCK has happened to WORDS?

Stealing someone else's content without credit and getting much bigger numbers? woah maybe this place IS as hot as old school Twitter (not cool @usili.bsky.social, @matthighton.bsky.social is brilliant)

Treat yourself.

Nigella is a consummate professional, we all know this. NONETHELESS, I’m going to be watching closely for any tiny twitch at mention of a Hollywood handshake. Maybe one gritted tooth.

Narrator: He did not get his balls out

Just shouted COME ON STEPHEN GET YOUR BALLS OUT at the tv

Oh god this fake coloured flame shit is boring.

I HATE her manipulation (yes yes I know it’s the game) #Traitors

That’s projection, Rachel love. #traitors

She says ‘if I was Faithful’ and everyone hears and *tumbleweed* #Traitors

The most satisfying bit is when the stupid people are forced to face their own stupidity and they know we’re seeing it too #Traitors

One of them, SURELY there had to be one who has the tiniest bit of self-awareness to think ‘I’m not the right person for this’.

What we need now is for someone to release the video of the wedding dance

Yet again Spelling Bee showing it didn’t live in Britain in the 1970s, sort yourself out NYT.

I just put ‘heron’ for the crossword clue ‘baby-bringing bird’ and then realised and changed it to ‘stalk’ so maybe no driving heavy machinery for me today

Such a senior cop she picked up on Maz straightaway… #TheTraitors

There are a LOT of wide leg jeans in this series. Too many. Too wide. #TheTraitors