Narrator: He did not get his balls out

Just shouted COME ON STEPHEN GET YOUR BALLS OUT at the tv

Oh god this fake coloured flame shit is boring.

I HATE her manipulation (yes yes I know it’s the game) #Traitors

That’s projection, Rachel love. #traitors

She says ‘if I was Faithful’ and everyone hears and *tumbleweed* #Traitors

The most satisfying bit is when the stupid people are forced to face their own stupidity and they know we’re seeing it too #Traitors

One of them, SURELY there had to be one who has the tiniest bit of self-awareness to think ‘I’m not the right person for this’.

What we need now is for someone to release the video of the wedding dance

Yet again Spelling Bee showing it didn’t live in Britain in the 1970s, sort yourself out NYT.

I just put ‘heron’ for the crossword clue ‘baby-bringing bird’ and then realised and changed it to ‘stalk’ so maybe no driving heavy machinery for me today

Such a senior cop she picked up on Maz straightaway… #TheTraitors

There are a LOT of wide leg jeans in this series. Too many. Too wide. #TheTraitors

But… she was clearly a SHIT detective because she didn’t catch on with Rachel or anyone! #TheTraitors

Hairdresser: Have it cut like this, it’ll make you look younger. Me (what I want to say): let’s go the whole hog, shave the lot and stick a bow on me head I’ll look like a baby Me (actually): oh right

Oh of course he’s in a fucking maroon velvet jacket #TraitorsUnCloaked

He didn’t say ‘much much better’, love. He said ‘better’ #theTraitors

I hope this cuntery doesn’t affect Hugo’s career as a barrister #TheTraitors

FUCKSAKE Not THREE!

Why don’t they learn? You can’t have TWO attacks going on the same night. #theTraitors

If they could murder one of the anonymous young men tonight it would really help me out. #Traitors

There’s a Matthew!

I mean who the fuck is that young guy in the jumper?

Same

I’ve NEVER seen half of these contestants before #theTraitors

ONLY a police officer would say ‘you were at my 12 o’clock’. #Traitors

teenagers shouting from their bedroom when you tell them dinner’s ready #TheTraitors

Got to be chess boy getting the red cloak yes?

I feel it at least possible that the nation will not be as charmed by Hugo the barrister as he's currently imagining

‘I’m secretly a really unpleasant twat’ - most of the contestants so far #Traitors

High proportion of absolute tossers among this Traitors lot.

‘I’m not going to tell them I’m a police officer’ says the woman who looks more like a police officer than any other person in the entire world #Traitors

No idea if you’ve missed the Xmas post deadline to buy Nanna my fucking book, but no worry cos the 10% discount code WALLIAMS lasts until New Years Eve. Meanwhile, here’s a Fat White Family member in a festive woolly, cradling my masterpiece. More top content like this on Insta @wernerherzogmeets

Tiramisu killed salted caramel pass it on.

‘You absolute …

Watching the Bob Monkhouse thing on BBC4. Audience full of comics, it’s lovely spotting people. Oh look there’s Kev. And Steelie. Grrrr fuck it, what’s WALLIAMS doing there. Everything’s ruined.

Watching Victoria Wood and for the 900th time I’m struck by how everyone (including her) talks about her size and she’s SO ABSOLUTELY NORMAL SIZE. Pernicious as it ever bloody was.

You’ve written me off. You think ‘she’s not a risk taker any more’. But who’s the one carrying the very full flimsy bag of food waste through the house to the big bin outside eh? EH?

With patience, finally spotted the very loud woodpecker, resolutely refusing to be drowned out by the man in the park playing his music for us all to enjoy. WHEN IS MY NATURE COLUMN I AM BORED WAITING

RECIPE as proof: www.riverford.co.uk/recipes/clot...

Yes, I was sceptical. Potatoes roasted in clotted cream? We’re ALL sceptical, right? F’ing delicious. Roasties of the DECADE.

Visited my Mum, in hospital for Xmas. I picked a colourful knitted thing off her bed. ‘What’s this Mum?’ ‘MUFF’ yelled the woman in the kitty corner bed. ‘ITS HER MUFF’. May all our Christmases be full of women yelling MUFF xx

Of course you won't. Nobody expects a Spanish inquisition.

After extensive international research, I conclude that THE SPANISH make the best crisps. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Oh litmus tree Oh litmus tree I know your precise acidity

Thing is, I actually *was* driving home for Christmas when I heard about Chris Rea. That’s not funny but it is true which is just as good, no?

I’m asking so we can form a support group.

Is anyone else at their mum’s with only terrestrial tv so just saw the Stephen Fry Lady Bracknell monologue on the Royal Variety?

For a brief moment I thought they meant pics of Trump *in* a bikini and tbh I want to see those even less. Morning!