Dracula was probaly a really popular baby name until that book came out

Dracula was probaly a really popular baby name until that book came out

If he says the pardoned turkeys are really beautiful and so much bigger than Biden’s I’m going to break a plate

If he says the pardoned turkeys are really beautiful and so much bigger than Biden’s I’m going to break a plate

I teamed up with @janineannett.bsky.social for this perimenopause or Thanksgiving quiz up @mcsweeneys.net Turns out there is a surprising amount of overlap. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/tha...

I've got a new Shout co-authored with my talented bud Jordan De Padova and illustrated beautifully by Livia Weiner. Sláinte! www.newyorker.com/humor/shouts...

It’s so great that our bodies register “having to burp” as “I’m gonna barf!!!” Really fun prank, you got me.

Best breakfast I’ve ever had is going to be leftover cold pizza from the night before, but sure keep making recipes for eggs or pancakes. I’ll be over here in my blanket fort, not cooking. Winning.

The “Name Your Child Emily” to “Career in Writing” pipeline is STRONG.

The “Name Your Child Emily” to “Career in Writing” pipeline is STRONG.

I’m fine with missing the Aurora Borealis. Whatever it’s foggy I like fog. That’s just fog on my face I’m not crying. I SAID

I’m fine with missing the Aurora Borealis. Whatever it’s foggy I like fog. That’s just fog on my face I’m not crying. I SAID

Millennials- RUN FOR OFFICE! Local, state, federal. Let’s make the holidays about our people and not making corporations wealthy!!! #deconstruction #exvangelical #currentevents #news

so this whole shutdown is probably because there’s photos of him with half naked abused children and when he’s dead and the photos come out they will all have to explain that they ”didn’t know”. I figure Mike Johnson is just getting practice in right now.

What every billionaire dreams of - a robot girlfriend who loves him

so this whole shutdown is probably because there’s photos of him with half naked abused children and when he’s dead and the photos come out they will all have to explain that they ”didn’t know”. I figure Mike Johnson is just getting practice in right now.

Buy my meditation app "Whales Talk To You" and listen to 60 hours of whale-song. The app is free thanks to generous donors (the ads play continuously over the whale singing).

So weird because I’m writing a novel about a billionaire-turned-trillionaire who befriends a senile dictator so he can dismantle years of government work, only to overdose on Ketamine before he’s brought to justice

So weird because I’m writing a novel about a billionaire-turned-trillionaire who befriends a senile dictator so he can dismantle years of government work, only to overdose on Ketamine before he’s brought to justice

They apologized for not including an Ebola outbreak warning, too.

Rep. Yassamin Ansari has set up a table and this sign outside Speaker Johnson’s office.

Boomers becoming screenagers was that the plan all along?

They apologized for not including an Ebola outbreak warning, too.

I’m at a fuckin bustlin Starbucks and the pace at which the four baristas slash cashiers slash drive thru operator are working is impressive. I do not see why any executive should be paid higher than their employees when people are working this hard (and this is only what we see at the counter)

Buy my meditation app "Whales Talk To You" and listen to 60 hours of whale-song. The app is free thanks to generous donors (the ads play continuously over the whale singing).

Being President means I can speak like the adults in a Peanuts movie "woh woh woh woh" whenever the press asks me a question I don't like

holy shit -- one of Trump's toadies just passed out and the White House event is brought to an abrupt end

incredible photo that's definitely worth at least 1,000 words from Andrew Harnik of Getty

I’m at a fuckin bustlin Starbucks and the pace at which the four baristas slash cashiers slash drive thru operator are working is impressive. I do not see why any executive should be paid higher than their employees when people are working this hard (and this is only what we see at the counter)

Honey get the hose Mike Johnson is back here hiding under the porch again

I can’t wait to see what part of Washington DC he decides to demolish tomorrow

Honey get the hose Mike Johnson is back here hiding under the porch again

I’m the Devil on Trump’s shoulder telling him to let his anger overflow into a wrecking ball — aim it at the Washington Monument. Put a sauna room in it.

I can’t wait to see what part of Washington DC he decides to demolish tomorrow

Really looking forward to the Speaker of the House claiming to be unaware of the election results.

The ants in my house are reminding me to vote YES on Prop 50

I just know Satan’s going to be hiding in his office today trying to avoid that asshole

The ants in my house are reminding me to vote YES on Prop 50

The French Secret to Identity Theft The French Secret to Baguette Fencing The French Secret to Auto Repair The French Secret to Secretly Secreting

130% increase in 18-29s and its not even the actual election day yet, holy shit

Day #150: Dune (1984)

The French Secret to Identity Theft The French Secret to Baguette Fencing The French Secret to Auto Repair The French Secret to Secretly Secreting

Mike Johnson can’t leave his home without his blindfold in place (firmly), secret decoder ring (from a Cracker Jack’s box) and his I-Spy invisible ink pen.

People are going to be like “I know they’re the party of sending masked vigilantes into American cities to kidnap random brown people in front of their crying children, but the messaging from Democrats was boring so fuck them.”

Football people should set up screenings of Bad Bunny music videos and SNL skits in small towns leading up to the Uber Bœl so the old people can get excited too.

Mike Johnson can’t leave his home without his blindfold in place (firmly), secret decoder ring (from a Cracker Jack’s box) and his I-Spy invisible ink pen.

How long can I leave my Halloween decorations up?

In the alternate universe where the Dodgers lost the series, we still have the same reaction from LA fans, so

People are going to be like “I know they’re the party of sending masked vigilantes into American cities to kidnap random brown people in front of their crying children, but the messaging from Democrats was boring so fuck them.”

DHS / ICE appears to have rolled out their new cell phone tracking platform in DC. I'm getting these every 5-10 minutes on my phone. Kristi Noem, Tom Homan, and Pam Bondi need to be jailed for life.