My only option for a little sweet treat tonight is a cookie that I dropped on the cement earlier. I'm sure it's fine

Don't ask if I'd trade you for a nice scenic overlook. You won't be pleased with the answer

Just ate 9 cookies. Don't blame yourself, there was nothing anyone could've done to stop me

Wiener fan or not, you must agree that's it's pretty magical that there's a fleet of hot dog shaped cars driving around.

The trolley problem, but it's when the McDonald's drive thru guy accidentally hands me the order for the people behind me and it's way more food and way better food and it's not the trolley problem at all.

My tire got a nail in it. So what now? Do I have to buy a new car?

Why must you bait my click? I want to click. Give me something worth clicking for

I haven't gotten an important email in 6 years

Has anybody figured out a way to listen to Smash Mouth without having to watch Shrek yet?

exec after years of bad decisions: the industry has shifted,

Rededicating my life to proper cable management

Tonight I might treat myself to a little bbt (bed by ten)

When I was much younger I thought 'low hanging fruit' was a reference to balls. I'd always wonder 'what does any of this have to do with balls?'

Clocking out for my break at the Chilling out & Relaxing factory to go do some soul crushing labor for 10 minutes before I have to clock back in.

Freshly poured sidewalks are such a flex

It seems wasteful that we need to be able to both cough and sneeze. What if we combined them into one terrible thing

I would fuck up a caffeine-free zero-sugar Wild Cherry Pepsi right now, if only she existed

What if we kissed in the designated kissing location

NYE bathroom selfie. Like an adult.

LoStoSho (that's long story short) The 2hr afternoon nap I took sabotaged my night sleep, but I would happily do it all again

I miss my Grandma. Do they make cigarette scented air fresheners?

I wonder if Santa still has a cigarette lighter in his sled

A Kansas themed ice cream shop called Cherry on my wayward sundae

The world building in Seinfeld is incredible. They almost make New York seem like a real place

Stopping at people that broke down on the side of the highway to tell them I don’t know anything about cars and I can’t help

Sore throats really punch above their weight on the misery scale

If your hairstylist fucks up your hair you should get to cut their hair

Posting early 90s minivans as a timeline cleanse.

Every time I get a window seat on a flight

They should make new towns. All these MFers are old

Fingernails and teeth should swap. I'll gladly trim my teeth, but my nails don't need attention more than once every 6 months.

Things would be much better off for all of us if heart disease worked faster

I cherish my boring, anodyne follows. Traffic was bad today? Dang. You're gonna watch some 30 rock? Nice. You're gonna order some Pho tonight? You sustain me.

Nose hair is a scam

A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!

Bro, I swear, this quid better not be pro quo.

Found this badboy on the curb. 1977 Sony Trinitron. Might fuck around and spend the next month restoring it.

I always buy my shoes in pairs. I'm just quirky that way.

Everyone in politics is either actively doing evil or shrugging and trying to rip the last bits of copper wiring out of the walls before everything crumbles

Wtf are steel toad boots?

What you’re articulating here is the difference btwn intentions and consequences

They should invent old people that aren't so easy to scam

If we're gonna be friends there are some ground rules: 1. Don't be in a room if I didn't expect you to be in there. 2. Don't not be in a room if I thought you in there.

A British gynecologist: "fallopian choobs"

I don't care about your sign, tell me which white noise app you use to sleep

seen on Reddit

I've been able to manage reasonably well with wet wipes and sponges so far, but is there a way to wash my entire body all in one go that I'm not aware of? Like, some kind of big thing that makes all of me wet at once? Let me know if you hear of anything

I feel like cats would be extremely racist toward pugs