The two funniest I can think of are "Look what your brother did to the door" and "If you're so hungry, why don't you eat shit?"

Let’s be honest: nothing Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin have done in the last 56 years justifies the tremendous cost of bringing them back from the moon. NASA should’ve spared the long-suffering taxpayer and left them up there

They let you work in kitchens as a deeply unwell, barely functioning person, and by the time I had recovered into only a pretty unwell person, it had become the easiest job for me.

Every Jennifer always carries a loaded backpack of Jens. Hence the name.

If I tell you I think AI is evil, stop fucking talking to me about it. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.

In some moments, I am tied to the idea that transition is about making me love myself more. But as I've progressed, I've realized the true point of it is to allow you to relax enough to love others more effectively.

Oh man, what if when I go to the doctor he says “Bad news you’re dead” and then they send me to the morgue

You ever think about how beautiful and rare your friends are and stare into space for 10 minutes because in all the wretched terrifying universe somehow something still managed to give you the miracle of their presence?

This whole time I've thought Matt Smith and Benedict Cumberbatch were the same person.

I wish my tits looked more like Stephen Root's.

Now I'll always be paranoid that MY concentration face looks like I'm about to burst into tears.

One time I went to Halloween paintball dressed as Ned Flanders, and the other team, which included Ahnold the governator, ganged up on me.

This isn't my favorite, but I'm watching _Barry_ and literally just heard Jon Hamm say to Bill Hader "I'm proud of you. Can I take a shit in your house?" and I know I'll be hearing it all day tomorrow.

Bill Hader has Bette Davis eyes.

The song "WAP" ruined my life by making me read "WIP" as "walk-in pussy" every time.

turns out that the True and the Beautiful and the Good actually *are* the same thing and "you're naive that's stupid it's complicated" was a lie pushed by people who can only lie and gratify themselves by inflicting the infinite cruelty of their ugly minds on the defenseless and innocent.

PORN IS ART, PORN IS GOOD, PEOPLE MAKING PORN IS A SIGN OF A HEALTHY SOCIETY

_Ego Homini Lupus_ told me I was a human and not a monster, and that I could act better than I had been taught, and I believed both of those things for the first time.

I briefly slept with a Jeff exactly like the Jeff in Ranked Competitive Breast Growth. They said "jeffinitely" instead of definitely. I hope they both transition into better people.

Is Lynne Ramsay's _Die My Love_ an adaptation of the Ariana Harwicz novel? And is Ramsay also going to do _Feebleminded_ and _Tender_? *_*

Alice Stoehr's new book (Again, Harder) is coming out on my birthday. I feel impersonally honored 😊

Catheter is a beautiful name for a girl.

“I asked ChatGPT—“ yeah well I asked you to stop doing that and now we can’t be friends anymore

It just occurred to me that I've never seen canned broccoli.

They YA-ified _The Long Walk_ and it's hardly even gay at all. Max Von Sydow did not offer an unknown guy a sloppy blowjob, in a 1993 made-for-TV movie, for us to puss out in 2025.

The 40 bus driver was drunkenly (he volunteered that information) screaming violent threats at everybody and driving erratically, while a recording played at intervals threatening us with jail time if we made him feel unsafe.

Someone at work asked me about using genai, and I told him he's probably telling all his secrets to some human weirdo overseas pretending to be a computer program.

they began capering about most obstreperously

If your poetry book is named after a harrowing song off of "Live Through This," it should probably be about something a little worse than your parents getting a divorce when you were a kid.

Every Cletus has a really similar friend who follows him everywhere, a Paracletus.

my woke take is that entirely too many people feel entitled to the benefits of a social contract while not feeling bound by the responsibilities of said contract

I never got catcalled until I grew a mustache.

I heard someone say the word "gooch" for the second time in my life. A good night.

An old lady behind me in line at the grocery store started loudly speculating that I was stealing because she wanted my spot in line. Why the fuck did I move? Go back to your fucking veranda, lula mae dickerson.

I will never get tired of strangers calling me "bro" 😊

People keep ordering chicken thighs and sending them back because they think cooked dark meat is supposed to look like white meat. I think maybe we should go back to raising and slaughtering our own chickens.

10 horror movies to get to know me by 🚀 Aniara 📺 Skinamarink 🪜The Hole 🚗 Sun Don't Shine 📱 Homemade Gatorade 🖊 Come to Daddy 🥫Tin Can Man 💊 The Scary of Sixty-First 🔀 Coherence 🦧 The Mafu Cage

"Feelings are always ridiculous, especially when unauthorized people get their hands on them."

The cat rubbed his head in my face and then fake-sneezed. I think he's making fun of me 🤣

This will be me when I die.

My skin is absolute dogshit, worse than it was in high school, and I love it *_*

I'm going to apply to drive a bus, so that I'm also allowed to threaten to run people over, and then insult them.

Today I learned that "Doctor Miami" is a real person who exists, not a photoshopped jpeg of blue, pantsless Billy Crudup in a Hawaiian shirt.

I hate teardrop grapes. They look so fucked up.

Pepsico can say in court "We didn't put that dead rat in your mt. dew, because if we had, it would've dissolved by the time it got to the store" and then say mt. dew is vegan. How in gawd's name do you know there's not a dead rat dissolved in there??

My paycheck needs to stop being late.

Halle Butler writes eggs, and I don't know if she knows it.

this is, hands down, the best video I've seen on men's influencer content and it's not close either