If I was the manager of a hotel, I'd offer visitors an extensive range of Do Not Disturb door signs which include exceptions for very specific occasions

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz351bs

One thing I'm vehemently opposed to is replacing the number 4 button on ATM keypads with a button for the strawberry emoji. I just think that, given the costs involved and the fact that most people's PINs don't contain the strawberry emoji, it wouldn't be worth the upheaval.

I'm a genius, apparently...

Very pleasant evening in the front row of a Horne Section show. Lots of laughs and general silliness.

@sirmichael.bsky.social, my crossword is broken!!

Timesaving tip for any other filing cabinet enthusiasts out there: If you're checking out pictures of filing cabinet on Google image search, don't bother scrolling past the 6,508th image. The filing cabinets pictured after that aren't as good, imo 👎

It's hard for us to appreciate the true scale of Mount Everest. So to put it in a context that we can all understand, here's a comparison chart showing the height of Mount Everest alongside other tall things

WARNING: Local youths in the park are offering to verify people's Instagram account for €150. DO NOT PURCHASE. After I paid, I gave them my phone for the verification process but when they gave it back, they had changed my username to “AVerifiedDork”. I AM 99% CERTAIN IT IS NOT A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS

The famous guitar riff for Guns N' Roses' "Sweet Child o' Mine" originated from a "circus melody" warm-up played by guitarist Slash during a 1986 jam session. While Slash played the riff in a joking manner, bandmate Izzy Stradlin recognized its potential, and the band built the song around it.

US fan behaviour at the Ryder Cup is being criticised so here are some milder insults to yell at rival golfers: - "You don't always safely eject USB devices” - “You wrote a blog post claiming the final Game of Thrones season was very satisfying" - “You know little about Ottoman Empire trade routes"

The question I get asked most frequently is, "Michael, what is your opinion of the Wikipedia page on doors?" Well, here are my full and honest thoughts

My one criticism of Premier League footballers? The lack of imagination when exchanging souvenirs after games. They only ever swap shirts. Show some imagination, guys. Give your opponent a gift voucher for a local butcher shop. Learn woodworking and carve them a lovely doorstop. Show them you care ❤️

Never forget the time I had to contact my local costume shop on Facebook. The last-minute hospital pass by David to Sonya is exquisite.

Here’s a poem called ‘English Roundabouts’.

My performance evaluation for the captain of the Titanic

It's OK to not be OK. You might not want to talk about to friends but there is help out there... www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-h...

Always take proactive action when you see an ad for a job that isn't right for you. It saves a lot of potential awkwardness.

You can't tell me I don't know a bargain when I see one 👍🏻

It's pretty fascinating to see how horses have evolved over time, imo

Most people believe the actors improvised the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan but movie buffs like me know that's not fully accurate. Yes, the dialogue was improvised (as it is in most films) but much of the action was likely pre-planned with some actors even being told beforehand what to do.

HEY JUDE

Some people don't even know the basic facts about our home solo system. Here's everything you need to know

The publishing industry is in decline. Some say it's because of changing market dynamics. Others say it's because of technological disruptions. But the truth is it's because they refuse to publish my lovely book of Heartwarming Stories for Children.

@sirmichael.bsky.social are you heading to Irvine at all? #LadderHamInDisguise www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Excited to announce that I have decided to become an events coordinator. My first event is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon 🤞

For centuries, people have wondered if water is a good or bad thing. Now, thanks to data, we can finally make a definitive assessment

Well, bugger tits. Can anybody lend me some sun cream?

For anyone who needs to know how to rename a file, here's my handy how-to guide. Hope this is helpful 🤞

Oh girls. Well done!! And against 12 players too.

Oh bugger. Don't like this bit.

Oh Girls, well done ⚽🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Learned some interesting information in the sports group chat this evening

Oh Girls, well done 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿⚽

To all the doubters who say that I don't have a girlfriend and have never done k*ssings with a lady, how do you explain this authentic love letter I've just received from an old flame?

I'm gonna start with the sun...

Think Alcaraz and Sinner are new to the game of tennis? Well, think again because you don't reach the Wimbledon final without several weeks of training. These guys bought tennis rackets sometime in the spring and they've been busily learning how to hit the ball 5+ hours a week ever since #Dedication

@slacko.bsky.social I've had a bit of a random thought. What if @sirmichael.bsky.social isn't actually a person? What if he's AI and we've all been hoodwinked?

Good Afternoon. Week 8 of our 52 Week Challenge. Topical one this week. Following the Salt Path debacle what is the biggest fib you have ever been told that you actually believed? #challenge52

The world is a stressful place so I thought it would be nice to post some soothing music to help people relax and get to sleep. Sweet dreams!

As long as it's bringing pleasure to someone I'll take it as a win...

Want to return to a website you've visited previously? No problem. Simply "bookmark" it following my handy guide. You don't even need to be a techie like me 🤓

All of them? I've made loads!

In 2022, I applied for a job that had been advertised in 2014. I didn't get it :(

Disastrous day on the Omelette Fans forum. Some troll posted a blurry pic of an "omelette" so I commented, “Nice omelette. Enjoy!” Later found out it was actually a fritatta and I'm now the laughing stock of the community. Eight long-time fans have already unsubscribed from my omelette newsletter :(

Saw Texas play at the Eden Project last night. Lovely little venue. And Sharleen Spiteri, my god, what a voice.

Don't have a podcast but want to start one? No problem. Here are my suggestions for podcasts that don't exist but definitely should. I look forward to listening 👍

@nimmo1492.bsky.social does this mean I'm going to say "42" in a silly voice?

"I've got a brand new content harvester"

If I was a Premier League footballer, summer would be my most profitable time of year. With no matches to play, I'd have time to top up my salary with a part-time job. Maybe cleaning windows or caddying at a local golf club. When I met up with my teammates again they'd be so jealous of my extra €375