[eating a rich chocolate cake] praxis

how many swords should i bring the cheesecake factory tonight?

GREG: you win, AGAIN. i'll never be able to surpass you. you're twice the man i'll ever be. DOUBLEGREG: aw come on buddy

ME: i just got back from the grocery store and told my wife i forgot to buy more cheese ST. PETER: well that explains why you're here. you definitely can't come in though

[oj simpson voice] my wiiife

microdosing getting hit by a bus by gently nudging a bus 2-3 times a day

CINDY LOU: Your new green coat is so beautiful! Where did you get it? WHOELLA DeVIL: I made it myself!

come on down to Feeble Tony's Discount Harps and Microscopes

my father is so virtuous. never once has he committed the sin of pride by saying he's proud of me

it would be nice if the country could hold together for 9 more years, for the sake of the Super Bowl real nice

[checking myself only after wrecking myself] ah geez

DR. FRANKENSTEIN ASSEMBLING HIS CREATION: a little bit of monica... a little bit of erica...

A beautiful angel, a brilliant genius, a valiant hero, and a talented artist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get for you, [reader of this post]?"

me: is 115 hershey kisses too many to eat in one sitting? attorney for the prosecution: that's what we're here to find out

hannah montana: say hello to my little friend! (it's a chipmunk that lives in her pocket. his name is clyve and he's a scorpio)

[letter to santa] dear santa please do not kill me with your powers

getting ready to seek some higher tier gear in the Fivebidden Threemb

me: so you just swirl it around in your nostril a couple times and then stick it into this little plastic vial my son, a furby whose batteries i took out 14 years ago: i would like some more raisin bran please father.

GUIDE: watch out for traps ME, A NIMBLE ROGUE: heh heh, that won't be an issu-- [a goblin with the thickest neck you've ever seen sprints out of the darkness and clotheslines me, decapitating me]

slowly eating a reeses peanut butter cup with a fork and knife in a dark room while james bond takes out my most competent henchmen one by one

[eulogy] He was a man envied by all -- long of limb, strong of will, hot of wife

many artists despise the use of soulless generative ai in art, but i'm curious about how they feel about non-generative uses of ai in digital art, such as removing the background of an image - the type of task that can be painstaking to do manually in photoshop, and isn't a direct act of creation

broke: research with a podcaster woke: sea church with a cod pastor

don't you hate it when someone tells you to do something but you were already planning to do it of your own accord? like when someone says to disregard their previous email

Pinot Grigio Baja Blast

doing undeadlifts at the Grimnasium

donning my mask of denim to frighten theater patrons as the jantom of the jopera

@roxiqt.com I encountered this on facebook and thought you would appreciate it

three square meals a day? that's nine, that's way too many

me in a police interrogation chamber: snitches get stitches me in an opulent mausoleum: liches get riches me in a haunted haberdashery: witches stitch breeches me playing a baseball video game letting my indecisive stream viewers decide what choices I make: Twitch switches pitches

Sports Illustrated Skill Issue

you tellin me a cad buried these eggs?

He is risen

Ye Olde Haw

ME (popping up): why are they called expired hotdogs when they could be called spoiled brats CORONER STRUGGLING TO SHOVE ME BACK IN THE COFFIN: god damn it how is he still doing this after nine autopsies

PSY as a psychiatrist: oppan insecure attachment style

"Go to hell," I explained thoughtfully

"You had ONE JOB!!" -manager who assigned you 3,604 jobs, 3,603 of which you performed perfectly

Berry Crispmas to all, and to all a nutritious breakfast high in protein and fiber! this post is brought to you by our sponsor, Kashi cereals

someBODY once told me this baby would be holy the son of God was born in a shed three gifts did we confer of gold, frankincense, and myrrh as the horses looked on from their horse bed

Please, call me Hank. Mr. Beast is my father.

me: I'm really depressed today, I had to ethanize Fido yesterday friend: oh no! I'm so sorr- wait, do you mean "euthanize"? me: [on the verge of tears] no ethan: arf arf arf

man, england is so wack. why are there soooo many politicians?? like, LITERALLY everyone is a governor

moisturize me, cap’n

heading out with the boys to go belittle each other down at the Derogatorium

Extending kindness & compassion to myself as a prank. Practicing self-care regularly as a joke. Drinking water so that I don't get dehydrated as a bit. Taking care of myself because it is funny.

FUN DAD FACT: dads were invented in 1961 by a team of sports equipment mamufacturers as part of a marketing campaign to boost sales of baseball catcher's mitts

[witch class] WITCH TEACHER ADMINISTERING POP QUIZ: state the ingredients for a Potion of Vigilance WITCH STUDENT WHO DID NOT STUDY, LIKE, AT ALL: uh...um...e-eye of newt... hip of potamus?

tripping and falling during my combat phase because I forgot to summon a Poise Elemental

we've all got that one homie ensconced in a crumbling, once palatial manse