@roxiqt.com I encountered this on facebook and thought you would appreciate it

three square meals a day? that's nine, that's way too many

me in a police interrogation chamber: snitches get stitches me in an opulent mausoleum: liches get riches me in a haunted haberdashery: witches stitch breeches me playing a baseball video game letting my indecisive stream viewers decide what choices I make: Twitch switches pitches

Sports Illustrated Skill Issue

you tellin me a cad buried these eggs?

He is risen

Ye Olde Haw

ME (popping up): why are they called expired hotdogs when they could be called spoiled brats CORONER STRUGGLING TO SHOVE ME BACK IN THE COFFIN: god damn it how is he still doing this after nine autopsies

PSY as a psychiatrist: oppan insecure attachment style

"Go to hell," I explained thoughtfully

"You had ONE JOB!!" -manager who assigned you 3,604 jobs, 3,603 of which you performed perfectly

Berry Crispmas to all, and to all a nutritious breakfast high in protein and fiber! this post is brought to you by our sponsor, Kashi cereals

someBODY once told me this baby would be holy the son of God was born in a shed three gifts did we confer of gold, frankincense, and myrrh as the horses looked on from their horse bed

Please, call me Hank. Mr. Beast is my father.

me: I'm really depressed today, I had to ethanize Fido yesterday friend: oh no! I'm so sorr- wait, do you mean "euthanize"? me: [on the verge of tears] no ethan: arf arf arf

man, england is so wack. why are there soooo many politicians?? like, LITERALLY everyone is a governor

moisturize me, cap’n

heading out with the boys to go belittle each other down at the Derogatorium

Extending kindness & compassion to myself as a prank. Practicing self-care regularly as a joke. Drinking water so that I don't get dehydrated as a bit. Taking care of myself because it is funny.

FUN DAD FACT: dads were invented in 1961 by a team of sports equipment mamufacturers as part of a marketing campaign to boost sales of baseball catcher's mitts

[witch class] WITCH TEACHER ADMINISTERING POP QUIZ: state the ingredients for a Potion of Vigilance WITCH STUDENT WHO DID NOT STUDY, LIKE, AT ALL: uh...um...e-eye of newt... hip of potamus?

tripping and falling during my combat phase because I forgot to summon a Poise Elemental

we've all got that one homie ensconced in a crumbling, once palatial manse

listen matey, this mizzenmast ain't gonna hoist itself

once again getting ensorcelled by fae glamers in the taco bell bathroom. sigh

The New 2024 Kia Sarcophagus

broke: demanding to speak to the manager woke: ferrying souls across the River Styx

[human being design team] ANGEL 1: what should happen when a human accidentally bites their lip? ANGEL 2 [just got dumped]: fuckin... make it swell up so they keep biting it over and over. god I'm so lonely, i don't even want to be alive right now ANGEL 1: well, technically...

"Trauma makes you stronger" Well, I don't want to be strong, I want to drink an iced coffee & buy things online

with the cost of college tuition continuing to climb, we're only a few years away from the possibility of a college calculating its total tuition to be $69,420

banned from the bodybuilding forum for spelling it "cruillotine"

culinary instructor: [licking their lips] your plating is magnificent! I just want to gobble it up! armadillo: [emailing HR]

her: welcome home babe, how was the staff meeting today? little john (soaking wet): robin hood kicked my ass

ME: corvid gnawin' chain ORNITHOLOGIST: unusual behavior for a raven AUSTRALIAN: the pandemic virus?

They’re interring me in the ossuary today 🤗

They're enterring me in the assuary today 🤗

bro I swear to fucking god if you don't defer to the Lord High Executioner

He is risen

you tellin me a cad buried these eggs?

pythagoras with his two side pieces gettin that hypotenussy

choked to death on the pompom of my nightcap cause I fucked up my honk:shoo ratio

New year new me, I say as I step into the molecule scrambler