The Patriots shall not be vanquished till Birnam wood remove to Dunsinane!

Every side of the tracks is the bad side of the tracks in Houston, because the trains are stalled and we can't get anywhere.

"The thing about me is that I hate raw tomatoes but love them cooked 😜" Yeah man, I feel the same way about potatoes. That is neither interesting nor rare. "No but like, I'll even eat ketchup 😂" I eat pico de gallo but would hesitate to bite into a raw onion; this isn't as weird as you're acting.

Absolutely inappropriate that "Progressives" are calling Texas Governor Greg Abbott "Hot Wheels." Hot Wheels are fun, and children are generally safe around them.

I heard we were watching movies named for what day it is today

Join @sassterpiece.bsky.social at COMICPALOOZA as we defend the galaxy against the Terran Empire as seen in #StarTrek #Section31 SATURDAY JUNE 21st at 5PM* in GRB 330! * schedule subject to change - get the app and add us - FREE to all Saturday attendees 18 and up! #comedy #MST3Kish #liveshow

🖖 INCOMING STARFLEET COMMUNIQUE (from Captain Kei)

Ready for Comicpalooza this weekend where I’ll be performing with @parassect.bsky.social @dangertim.bsky.social @eneloquent.bsky.social as @sassterpiece.bsky.social riffs Section 31! Join us Saturday at 5pm in Room 330 as we lose the plot, the point, and the prime directive in this mess of a movie!

The problem with the argument of "If men should be experienced and women should be virgins, who are the men getting experience with?" is that while it's a valid critique of purity culture, it is unfortunately also the perfect opening for a Yo Mama joke.

Caption on magic eye reads, "Not a bird or a plane." Right Brain: Ah, this must resolve to a picture of Superman! Left Brain: There are a near-infinite number of objects that are neither birds nor planes.

When someone asks about dating an ex of mine and I'm feeling charitable

"If you're going to act like a little baby, then I'm going to treat you like a little baby." -me to my 8 month old

The man's turnaround time is truly unbelievable

One question still not answered by the #Severance #Finale: how the hell Milchick got in trouble for his word usage when his predecessor was Harmony "I speak like the book of Leviticus" Cobel

I got a raise at work, so I'm going to celebrate by going out to dinner somewhere 3.1% more expensive than I would normally go.

I dunno, I think I might assume this expires the day before

A swinger with a nice ass has a pineapple upside-down cake

Maybe @sassterpiece.bsky.social, @dangertim.bsky.social, @azregreis.bsky.social and I should try to hold them answerable for their crimes

Started watching Severence last night, and the new season of The Magnus Protocol just dropped the first episode. Big day for menial office workers largely in the dark about their mysterious employer's nefarious goals.

Yeah I know people say anxiety is bad, but mine has just been collecting all the possible things that can go wrong so far. Once it has an exhaustive catalog of every possible mishap, it’ll move on to suggesting solutions and then you better watch out.

Amazing production value, but parts of the production seemed unpolished, almost improvised. The finale was an uncoordinated mess. And I think the villain came out and punched a random audience member? The Moulin Rouge should stick to burlesque. Overall I give "Spectacular, Spectacular" 2/5 stars.

It would be irresponsible for me to take a 20 minute nap in the middle of my workday just because I'm working from home. Better scroll for a solid hour instead.

doing an akira slide into the room on a horse, breaking all of its legs

"Amazing production value, but parts of the show seemed unpolished, almost improvised. The finale was an uncoordinated mess. Also, the villain punched am audience member? The Moulin Rouge should stick to burlesque shows. Overall I give 'Spectacular, Spectacular' 2/5 stars."

Microdosing human interaction by sending people memes

I casually lamented that none of my credit cards offer points on medical expenses and then realized that's one of the most #American thoughts I've ever had.

Scream at a man in a cinema, and you ruin his movie for the day. Teach a man to recognize the Wilhelm Scream in cinema, and you ruin movies for life.

It's a shame Yiddish is a dead language, because we would definitely have a word for someone who excitedly shows you a meme 3 months after you've seen it

Picturing the absolute HORROR of my ancestors from millenia ago as they watch me pour out a bunch of perfectly good salt to clean a pan they probably wouldn't even consider dirty

Disaster waiting to happen

"Roll the Old Chariot Along" is just "Wheels on the Bus" translated into Sea Shanty

Gonna run through some hits*, maybe some cat photos *I liked them, at least

My reaction to the woman who had sex with 1507 people in 12 hours is identical to Brennan Lee Mulligan's reaction to finding out Grant O'Brien went down on 50 people at a party: No judgement, no slut-shaming, just an immediate and involuntary need to solve it as a math/logistics problem.

The irony is not lost on me that the battery-powered menorah I got did not have enough charge to last through all of #Chanukah

This cannot be the way I found out former president Jimmy Carter has died

I don't believe in Santa Claus. He's real, I just don't think he can pull it off this year.

Join us on Twitch next Tuesday Dec 17 @ 8pm CT as Sassterpiece Theatre’s annual tradition continues with Hallmarkening V: The Cliché Strikes Back! SassterpieceTheatre.com

Clear your calendar for next Tuesday Dec 17 @ 8pm CT and bookmark this Twitch channel as Sassterpiece Theatre’s annual tradition continues with Hallmarkening V: The Cliché Strikes Back! Twitch.Tv/Sassterpiece...

I was apparently user #1,086,202, and missing the first million will forever haunt me

A significant portion of my followers (4 out of 6, specifically) are in the right geographic area to come to the Texas Renaissance Festival, and so I encourage you to get tickets to the Pub Crawl I'm running! www.etix.com/ticket/e/103...

IF ENOUGH PEOPLE DON'T SIGN UP FOR THE 11 AM PUB CRAWL THIS SATURDAY, I WILL EAT THE SUN www.etix.com/ticket/e/103...

Hey all 4 people on Bluesky! If you're around the Texas Renaissance Festival, I'm the leader of their official pub crawl this year! www.texrenfest.com/things-to-do...

This app is called BLUE sky. You had one job.

This seems a little on-the-nose