(leaving baby swim class) Chris: This is our p-p-p-p-pool, notice there is a LOT of pee in it

Chris, reading Night Before Christmas to the baby:...then went straight to his work, he filled all the stockings, then started to twerk me: I'm not sure that's Chris: He's turning the pages too fast!

DOGE Bro’s Grant Review Process Was Literally Just Asking ChatGPT ‘Is This DEI?’ Federal grants that had been approved after a full application and review process were terminated by some random inexperienced DOGE bros based on whether ChatGPT could explain—in under 120 characters—that they were…

what kind of monster

[talking about D&D] my favorite barista: my dumb drow barbarian got inspiration, I couldn't figure out what to do so I said I'd just go to bed & jerk off, I rolled a 20 : D me: hahaha that's great me like 5 minutes after leaving the coffeeshop: wait is it weird he made her roll to jerk off 🤔

I need to apologize earlier I tried to give the baby a nap on the grounds that it was "about naptime" & he was "acting sleepy" I've since been informed by his spirited flopping & shrieking that he does NOT need a nap now or ever again to make up for this I will be allowing him to stay up forever

deeply enjoy how all my Xennial nerd friends are making announcements today like "right, in the spirit of resistance I am going to put on the sports-ball and allow the sweaty mans to grunt at balls in my vicinity, if I die from too much ball exposure please bury me underneath the library"

the baby is currently, and I'm not exaggerating, completely emotionally destroyed because I won't hold the fridge door open so he can visit his best friend the hot sauce (any inquiries about "who tf refrigerates hot sauce" can be directed to the guy I live with who refrigerates hot sauce, thanks)

YOU HAD ONE JOB, XYLOPHONE

in case you're curious about how angry Minnesota is about ICE, it was -20 today

[D&D, David's char wins the combat to join the space harem, is welcomed by a giant floating orca] DM: I can't do the voice but its vocoder makes it sound like Fred Flintstone orca: I think you'll be a great addition, you'll love it David: Thanks, I'm excited to yabba-dabba-do people me: [dies]

passing this mutual aid linktree along from a friend in Minneapolis if you haven't seen it yet linktr.ee/mplsmutualaid

oh good, the store has my drink

the problem with an untrained secret police squad that shoots people in their cars isn’t that they’re untrained

I understand why they had to stop him but I don’t agree with imprisoning him in the phantom zone

somebody bought the baby a mildly insane talking object called a Joyful Fairy House mostly he likes to hit the button that makes a deep voice say "Stay hydrated, buddy" but he's also got a voicemail from someone named Mark who wants to go kayaking this weekend

the baby: [suddenly bored, looks at me ready to complain] me, panicked, singing: me and the boys go round and round, round and round, round and round, me and the boys go round and round because they're back in town the baby: [nods, satisfied, returns to toy] me: phew I think he bought it

can't fucking believe I spent the entire day of the baby's first birthday forgetting to say "he's just a little guy! and today's his birthday!" smdh bad parenting

you should always be able to pick the face you make when you say something in addition to the text

one of my hipster fantasies has always been that when I'm blasting music with the window down, another hipster is gonna go "omg I LOVE this song, that's so cool" finally accepted this was stupid & unrealistic UNTIL TODAY when someone in the Sprouts parking lot was blasting Shum by GO_A??? SO COOL

"sir I pulled you over because you were going two and a half" "two and a half what?" "just two and a half"

Since it's a season when a lot of people are spending time with friends and family: what are your favorite made-up games and traditions to play during the holidays? DIY scavenger hunts, almonds baked into cakes for win a prize, Scrabble tournaments that get way too heated... please share em all!

guessing what the baby will find funny is impossible. "quinoa" is funny. "milkbone" is not funny. "anti-lock brakes" is funny. "gesundheit" and "mi scuzi," HILARIOUS, then "mushroom soup" he's laughing but in a like, "I can't believe you'd say something so scandalous in this Home Depot"

[D&D last night] evil guy: Can you do magic, I could make you an apprentice Tricia's character, a horse rancher: I know a lot about horses him: I don't know what a horse is her: It's like a, tall cow everyone, out of character: TALL COW Tricia: What, was that a bad description or something? us: YES

just thought about that hack writing technique of comparing people of color to something culinary, but the example i immediately imagined was "his cinnamon skinnamon"

baby keeps grabbing the rotary nail file & I'm like welp now that you've sanded your fingerprints off, let's teach you how to do crimes

Unsure if you want to support us? Want a preview of what you'll get? Reach into the Freebie Sack.

Boomer moms will be all "NNNGGGGHHH I NEED TO WATCH THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE SO BAD" then fuck off to wash dishes for six hours while you're stuck there trying to figure out why Li'l Jon is pretending Toys 'R' Us is still in business

me & the baby watching a vid on the ancient Maya historian says Maya elites used to elongate their babies' skulls so they'd look more like corn & when he says this the baby locks eyes with me underneath his little plagiocephaly helmet like "I know you're fuckin thinkin about it" I do love corn

I thought the baby would like these crunchy corn snack sticks 'cause he's always trying to eat our food he won't even put em in his MOUTH this kid puts EVERYTHING in his mouth! he's got a plastic bucket he's been trying to eat for six months now buddy wtf is wrong with these corn things?

Discovering computer as an adult makes you go crazy. Discovering computer as a baby makes you go crazy. In all of human history, there will only ever be one generation to discover computer at the correct age: 13

no matter how bad things get, at least you don't have this guy's job

took the baby to the helmet doctor & there's another baby getting buckled into his carseat to go home kid starts screaming & the dad goes "I'm sorry I pinched you in the junkies, buddy" I'm sorry I pinched you in the junkies

me: if I were on Taskmaster I would simply read and comprehend all of the instructions in the task also me:

checked the mail & there was a package for "Chris Customer" from "fun.com" which is the most suspicious thing I've seen since they started selling that "Harmless Coconut Water"

I dropped my phone on my lap and it typed "plop"

every modern children's book is like "Hassle Moose, he's a moose who likes to hassle a park ranger" & you're like "well that's kinda cute" then you flip it over & it's got 20 bestselling spinoffs such as "Hassle Moose Buys Eighty Yachts" and "Hassle Moose Is A Bigger Deal Than Jesus"

baby: *blows raspberry into my shoulder* me: *blows raspberry into the baby's arm* baby: pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt me: plllbbbblblblt baby: pbblbbbbtttt me: PBBBLBLBLBTTTTTT Chris: Y'all are weird

Look at this beautiful data visualization by a man named Colin

people on the internet like "it's a high chair, does it really need a 5-point restraint? that seems excessive 🧐" & I'm all "must be interesting not having an ExXxTreme SportzZz Action Baby sponsored by Red Bull Infantifuel Nitro, if I don't web him up like Frodo Baggins he's on the ceiling fan"

just went to plug a lamp back in that I'd unplugged to plug in my laptop & caught myself thinking "this is a good deed, I'm a good steward of the earth"

@blueprincegame.bsky.social My 7 year old son and I attended or local video game convention in MN (2D Con) this weekend. We love playing Blue Prince together, so he cosplayed as Simon. Spent time at various doors around the con trying to draft rooms.

ok stop me if someone has something like this already but drawing program idea it's undo but it plays your previous action back pixel by pixel and you stop it at the point shit went off the rails

when you're new to making games, it's easy to think it's about making art and making the right decisions and having the best taste. but actually making games is about dancing really good when the old west bandit shoots bullets at your toes

baby update, he's fascinated with PhD linguist Erica Brozovsky she's got a nautical etymology vid where she's wearing a sailor suit & when he sees this his face lights UP, like he is DELIGHTED I'm like yes it's p cute but wtf bud you don't know what a sailor suit IS, not sure you understand WATER

(playing Valheim while the baby naps) him sleeping, that's where I'm a Viking

saw someone post "be nice to your kids as they go back to school because just imagine you were the one being sent back" & lemme tell ya tho I FANTASIZE about getting sent back to school with my current brain, I would CRUSH that shit like a fully geared level 80 trampling through Elwynn Forest

saw a riddle that went "I live inside a SQUARE but I am ROUND my whole body is TRIANGLES wat am I" and was convinced the answer was gonna be Cait Sith from Final Fantasy 7

parenting tip: if you say "haha he just loves to scratch his little fingienails on the mesh of his playpen!" it sounds so much nicer than "he's constantly clawing at the walls of his prison in a futile attempt to escape"

I am on episode 299 of Topic Lords, which dropped today! Along with @hamsterdisco.bsky.social and mogwai_poet. Many topics were discussed, along with micro-topics viewable at the link. I was thrilled to participate; I hope you listen in and have a few laughs. topiclords.com/skin-fortres...