i don't care what a guy said or whatever

you're telling me a bitch fried this rice

I want to be a knife

imagine two homies smiling

i used to look so pretty back when i was trying

that scallywag made off with me posts, the whoreson! aye, but i'll have his head ere the day is done! guards!! guards, to arms with ye!!

i'm learning that so many people would step up to plate for me if one of my 17 followers stole one of my posts

you are a bastard and i will treat you as such

is coffee rich in fiber? or does it Do That to me for other reasons?

when i laugh my ass off, nobody can tell. on account of my already flat ass :(

i try not to laugh so much that my ass comes off

roofs are fine, but i'm not big on ceilings. i mostly stick to attics: if the ceiling's just another floor, it can't fall on you. i live up here with a foppish wayward elf, and our several injured birds

i don't mind if it rains *or* pours, but both at the same time? ay caramba!

y'all try that new pizza hut personal trepan pizza? the pizza that trepanates you? or that comes from trepanning? it's from pizza hut

ok calvin's dad, are the disgaea games "menus" or "parkour?" before you answer, you should know that i've never cared about anyone or anything

when i don't post here it's because my brain went from "sentences" mode to "cool riffs + sick beats" mode. i don't control when this happens to me

nice pad, bbro. got any time-honored traditions?

(young balenciaga) man i hope one day i can have a mcdonalds

enjoying a warm chocolate coffee

nothing like a good feeling :)

try a refreshing Hogwash

waving a gun around for emphasis

playfully making a boy just a little bit mad for fun

does anybody want to come over and watch a movie that's not bad enough to be funny, and not good enough to be compelling, and ultimately leaves us with nothing to talk about after, so we just kind of stand outside in nervous unbroken silence for 10 minutes and go home separately without kissing

y'all try that new pizza hut personal trepan pizza? the pizza that trepanates you? or that comes from trepanning? it's from pizza hut

everybody remembers when it was better

computer! joi roleplay asmr. mp3, 320kbps, slowed & reverbed. irish accent, and make it nasal

written up for drumming breakbeats on my tummy during moments that call for solemnity

they're farting your ass on butt shitter

🛑✋ not interested in considering your concepts

i actually prefer winter over summer. just one of the many ways in which i go against the grain of society

[sweating for the first time] my armpits are drooling. i need a doctor

"cowboy" is a compound word which, when broken up into its linguistic roots and taken step-by-step, seems to denote something like "cow boy"

it was finally my turn to pick the book for book club again: Disgaea 2 Official Strategy Guide. Denise threatened to skip this month, but she fucking owes me for suffering through A Court of Thorns and Roses on her turn... it's not my fault she was recovering from surgery when we read the first one!

keeping the rent down in my neighborhood by walking around with a cigarette

i'm on my way, let's just meet at the Altar of the Smug Behelit

I have so much scar tissue in both of my earlobes from forgetting which was the gay ear as a teenager

🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ worm girl 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

leaning halfway out my car window, whispering my order with lips pressed against the drive-thru speaker. "Big Arch Meal." the ASMR brings them to their knees. they are not allowed to hurt me back

[watching someone throw up outside the bar] whoa!! how'd you do that?

telling my mom about all you guys while referring to you exclusively as "my contemporaries"

i've never had a meal time so epic

my hand hovers over the pizza rolls, waiting for satan to guide my fingers in ecstatic avarice across each and every morsel

i went to high school with pajama sam, but he just was going by sam at that point

i see you eyeballing my parking spot, big boy. all trying to discern if i'm coming or going... well, you're shit outta luck hombre, i ain't going nowhere. i'm idling with the a/c on and you can have this spot when the cigarettes finally kill me

watching my dog try to eat bugs in the yard. what an idiot. you're supposed to cook them first

Getting a phone call from 10 dollars. I better see what they want.