Happy Birthday to the greatest nation on Earth, my wife, @samelaanderson.bsky.social!

My husband believes women can be pilots but they can’t be ghosts. What an idiot.

Rich people should have to open their mansions to the public once per year

Knock on Travis Kelce’s penis

Uncommon fancy truthteller bug

Corn smut

Magdalena Hagdalena is a diss track taught to children

How dare you have a coexist bumper sticker but refuse to let me zipper merge

Happy Tharth Warth Day to thothe who thelebrate

BC Ferries would make so much money, off me specifically, if they installed coin-operated windshield wipers on passenger deck windows.

You can’t call insurance CEO’s “murderers”, okay? They don’t murder people. Instead they merely prop up and administer a complex rube Goldberg structure that grinds living human beings into a fine slurry. They do this for financial profit. That’s not murder. That’s not murder.

Look, it's simple. We just want the worst person in the world to die

Welcome to the worm factory

Is food getting spicier or am I getting weaker

teaaaa

BARKITECHTS

“Pilates” is Latin for torture

People born before March lost that hour forever

“Snitches get stitches” assumes snitches have healthcare

Really good stuff

I’m not a hoarder I’m an archivist

Iconic moment as he says "God Bless América" and then names every country in South, Central, and North america in order For the rest of the hemisphere, América doesn't mean the U.S. It means evveeerrybody

Was in our system looking at images of tonight's public meeting in Hanover County, Va, re: proposed warehouse sale and came across these pix from Dec, when a raccoon (allegedly) broke into a liquor store there and downed rum, moonshine and peanut butter whiskey before passing out next to the toilet

An insane, perfect encapsulation of it all: The same day Trump’s agents kill a Veterans Affairs ICU nurse in broad daylight, the CEOs of Apple and Amazon join Trump to watch a private screening of a film about his wife directed by an alleged sexual abuser who was seen shirtless in the Epstein Files

I'm not going to post screenshots for obvious reasons but I have been alerted that a bunch of the top posts in r/MassiveCock are anti-ICE now and anyone who defends ICE in comments is getting yelled down lol

Trump did 9/11

Can’t stop won’t stop cyberbullying my dog

Died of fog overwhelmption

Jessica Albatross

It’s legal to steal as long as you say yoink

6.1 horsepower

Obviously it’s fine to say “rest in power” but please don’t say it for me. I am too charged up in life and I do not want to be electric when I’m dead too.

Butter should come in glue stick form

aesop’s foibles

explaining to my dog that he’s a nepo baby

“The skin is the best part” ok freaks

This only happens to you once

Oregon donor

Offset just released a song about Cardi B and like??????????? Men don’t listen.

Normalize bibs for adults. Messy babies aren’t the only messy babies!

It’s a classic camping cuckhold controversy

i love little free libraries and i have a special place in my heart for the ones that have nothing to do with books. this might be my favorite of all of those.

Rude Spice the Man

When a dude gets a vasectomy we should also tip his ear. Like a stray cat.

If someone is being mean to you just tell them the library is closed.

A porn site dedicated to petite milfs called the Bare Mini-Mum

Not that

My wife just asked me if I’m being “politically sad online?” And I said, “yeah, always.”

Spaghettin hot in herre

Using my one phone call to call 911