"Malort advent calendar" is already such an unhinged concept but every little window just having Malort in it really pushes it over the edge into something transcendently funny

Somehow they perfectly pitched a show to me that I could never have imagined existing in the first place

Hi judge expert here this isn't funny judges only do this when they're in extreme distress

Learned that an anonymous outside expert on submersibles did an interview with the OceanGate Titan investigation, and they released a transcript, with all the names redacted. The first line of his first answer? "I'm sure you're familiar with my film Titanic."

There is a time honored tradition with an extra inning game where it turns the corner and instead of seeming like it will end at any moment instead seems like it will never end and usually happens around the 12th or 13th inning

JOE BUCK: Welcome to the top of the 47th [Sun rises] [Sun keeps getting bigger] BUCK: yes [World engulfed by flames] BUCK: oh god yes

If you never hear from me again it’s because I walked into the sea

Probably misses his old glasses

Ben Simmons is a 59.2% free throw shooter for his career.

You win one superbowl and you think you can spit on the opposing teams Qb. Everyone knows you gotta win at least two before they let you do that

Bari Weiss: journalism’s Elizabeth Holmes

No coming back from this, that’s for sure

Odysseus has a great joke, but nobody knows it

To translate: I got mad when an actual expert in the field corrected me and my ego couldn’t take it

From Jeffrey Toobin's 2008 book THE NINE, this remains the greatest Justice Souter anecdote I can possibly share. RIP.

Sinners opening narration: “sometimes music is really fucking good” me: “yeah right, I’ll believe it when I hear it” me later: “fuck man sometimes music is really good”

I've just found a clip of a wild bald eagle being weighed and can't stop laughing XD

BMW's trying to charge people a subscription fee for heated seats, and Tesla's out here giving it away for free

Go birds!

Hey it’s that post we do every year that I love the most

I’ve watched football my entire life and you know this game has way too many rules bc I still learn new ones. Apparently they can just award a td if you are an annoying asshole of a team

Oh right saquon is good. Thank god

I love my city

It’s my birthday so here’s my dog sitting weird, which is my favorite type of dog picture to take

“Carly Rae Jepsen is writing a score” “that’s good!” “for Lena Dunham’s” “that’s bad” “new musical” “that’s good!” “that’s an adaptation of a movie” “that’s bad” “the movie is 10 Things I Hate About You” “that’s good!” “which will trigger Taming of the Shrew discourse” … “that’s bad” “can I go?”

Babysitting my nephews and you know I love them because when I said we are gonna watch a movie together they picked the Fantastic Four and now that’s what I’m watching

This motherfucker can see!

Five authors I’ve read 5+ books by: Tolkien Roger Zelazny Guy Gavriel Kay Ursula Leguin Robin Hobb

Watching football on the second to last weekend before the election in a swing state really gives you insight into the closing messages. Kamala’s message is a mix of Trump is dangerous, Kamala cares about you. Trumps closing message is trans people should be exterminated

Very satisfying when a friend comes to the group chat asking for the best ice cream puns you got and the final result is this good

Always relevant with Adams and NYC theonion.com/de-blasio-we...

Today’s announcement

Lord of the Rings Lord of Light Lord of Light Lord of the Rings

Oh this is open to the public now?

they need more Bort license plates in the gift shop, I repeat, they were sold out of Bort license plates in the gift shop

Just gave myself some cognitive dissonance by calling Rudy a “cute boy” after he made sounds that should only come from a 90 year old grandpa

Always love the foot dangle

In honor of the new TMNT movie

Rudy is learning to drive (I am just out of sight operating the pedals obviously)

Can’t believe how lucky I am

Started getting my wedding photos back and there is a little part of me that is mad I never had photos where I looked this good when I was on the dating apps

I think this will be my Rudy posting site. Just gonna post my dog sitting weird here, man-spreading like a pro

Lol got an invite code before I even posted anything here