I don't know how i missed this but it is, objectively, very, very funny

In one of my previous attempts to Save the English from Themselves I suggested creating 'Shakespeare Day' (to replace St George's Day). Everyone would read poetry and have meals together and kids would dress up as characters from it. It was only later I found out Shakespeare Day already exists.

I know why Badenoch accused Starmer of 'catching arrows rather than stopping the Archer' but I think she's forgotten how cool it makes him sound. Like youre firing arrows at him & hes just catching them. You're firing all your fuckin arrows & hes catching them out the air effortlessly. He's laughing

Please order this! Some really cool pieces by some amazing writers, as well as my article about how I am best friends with Scott McTominay.

I think the most annoying thing my dog does is when he gets up and does a massive front then back stretch, like he's up and ready to face the day, but then on the way down from it just collapses on the floor and immediately falls back asleep

People expected to live forever in limbo, forever as outsiders, and they will still be asked: “Why won’t you just integrate?”

Someone please pay me to spend a couple weeks in North Berwick embedding myself with the car park charge resistance. 5,000 words in a weekend paper. I can go out on their night-time operations, gluing the machines.

'Blank signage erected around the town ahead of the meter rollout has been defaced with the same word: "Resist".' - Great story on the North Berwick car parking war www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Very clear that for Starmer, 'sectarian voting' is when British Muslims don't vote Labour, and for many others, it is just when British Muslims vote.

Nothing like serving up a two year-old a lovely bowl of pasta then checking your phone to see you have accidentally pocket dialled two (TWO) unsaved work contacts to let them in on the behind the scenes kitchen discussions (one call lasted 3 mins so must have gone to voicemail).

Starmer is done. At the time I assumed Sarwar knew for a certainty he would be gone in days or he'ld never have made that speech, but in any case it looks like the right move. Far better for him to distance himself early and at least get to fight the campaign he wants, no matter how doomed it is.

obviously today is a huge embarrassment for Matt Goodwin and for Reform, which is something that we absolutely ought to celebrate, but we must also remember it's a huge embarrassment for Morgan McSweeney and Maurice Glasman and all the Blue Labour weirdos, and that's important to celebrate too :)

Great defence of First Past the Post - which has brought stability to UK politics for over a decade. Also v interesting to see Israel mentioned as an example of failings in PR. There are calls in Scotland for a PR system too, tho I expect those'll be as successful as demands for a Scottish Assembly!

going to be mad circa 2028 when Peter Mandelson is acting as a key prime ministerial advisor from his cell, like a sort of New Labour Hannibal Lecter

The Dream Shall Never Get-Its-Deposit-Back

People ask me how I revived the fortunes of the Lib Dems all the time. My strategy? I renamed them the Libby Ds. It's quite simple - people love the name 'the Libby Ds'. They love saying it, they love hearing it, they love the way it gets trapped in your head whether you wanted it to or not.

*Me arriving on stage at the big party conference.* "Conference i don't like this party", I say. Heads shake, people are worried, the hall holds its breath. "I love it," I say, with a knowing look. The room explodes with cheers. The crowd goes wild. I am carried from the room of their shoulders.

Scottish Lib Dem conference today (Dynamic Earth). Idiot Wind by Bob Dylan playing. The conference signs look like ScotRail tickets. Wendy Chamberlain just did a campaign briefing - sounds like Lib Dems will win the election. Alex Cole-Hamilton due to speak shortly. Music now changed to Dire Straits

Just to update: Little Johnny Dory is now just being referred to as John Dory, which is somehow worse. What sort of a two year old has a right foot named John Dory? It's unsettling.

It stopped raining for 15 minutes today so I went for a little walk and immediately fell over in the mud. Now I am home, it is raining again and nothing has changed except my clothes are covered in mud.

Anas Sarwar should respond to this by demanding we cancel the Scottish Parliament elections

It's my unfortunate duty to report that Hannah has started referring to one of her feet as 'Tiddler' and the other as 'Little Johnny Dory'. I wouldn't mind except I will now need to answer for this at nursery.

The talk to your friends app and the witness the horrors app being the same app is not great for the mental health is it

My takeaway from today: Scottish Labour conference (less than three weeks away) will be SO MUCH FUN

It's one of those days when I miss writing weird political sketches

It's funny because when you see it written down it *does* seem a tricky situation, but actually this is sort of thing is basically the norm for Scottish Labour. I mean, some would argue the party would do better if it wasn't the norm, but we have no way of knowing because it has never been tried.

Hard to understand why the BBC's cutting from Anas Sarwar taking questions from the Scottish lobby to analysis from the studio. I really like Patrick Maguire but surely you wait 20mins? Apart from anything else there's a 90% chance it means we miss something absolutely brutal from the Scottish media

If Anas Sarwar has found a spine on Keir Starmer, can I recommend he puts his newfound vertebrae to use by also issuing an immediate apology for his "gender critical" turn and recognise he was bounced into it by unrepresentative social media and the weird fixations of his peers?

The news from Scotland

The woke scolds are trying to make this about racism. But Musk is right. It's about historical and scientific integrity. When the God of Thunder disguises himself as a swan to seduce and fuck a queen and the resulting baby hatches from an egg, *of course* the baby will be white. It's just science.

I know this is trivial but id be so fucking pissed off if I was prime minister and they made my secret alias 'John Pond'. Obama's secret service name was Renegade. Oh nice to meet you Renegade, I'm John Pond. This is my wife, Swampy Sharon.

Also trying to parse all the emails that read like they were written by a concussed golden retriever I think I finally get why these guys are so enthusiastic about getting chatbots to write for them

This story has really made my day. From Joyce the Emu attacking volunteers to the introduction of the flamethrower into the story, it just gets better as it goes www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

This is your annual reminder that Maya Angelou was a massive Robert Burns fan, and you can watch her documentary about his work on iPlayer (Angelou on Burns). I don't know why i find her love of Burns so surprising (poets probably often like poetry) but I do

Couldnt keep up with the repayments on my student loan and they've repossessed my student :/

"Oh my gosh, it was so nice to see you! Have a lovely day, fuck ICE!" "Oh you too hon! Stay safe in that traffic, fuck ICE!' - two older Minnesota ladies, bidding farewell after the protest

This morning I overheard the nearly-four-year-old respond to a suggestion that he might like to do some fun activity with “good guess! I actually want to watch Paw Patrol.”

An incredibly long thread about someone getting offended if they give someone a book they don't read. I know the internet is mental, but the idea someone giving you a misjudged but thoughtful gift is somehow an attack on you is beyond me. Don't read the book, or read the book, stop whinging.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Is she going on the rampage?

pretty sure he meant the other thing, grok, but very cool that those are your two things

George Orwell would honestly have a meltdown at this sentence

I hope it turns out he is teaming up with Jake Humphries

It’s beyond insane that our overarching internal security agency has spent months tweeting barely-coded messages of support for neo-Nazi groups and the entire media apparatus looks at it and says “That’s odd but certainly not part a major story that is relevant to current events, I’m sure”

We go live to the Protect our girls crew, unsure what they are doing

What's everyone up to tonight? I'm heading to a party full of Nazis where everyone will personally attack me. If I don't go then the Nazis win.

Honestly it's like a 2007 Scottish Labour strategist has time travelled. The complacency and entitlement is just staggering.

Magnificent. Make sure you click on the "1 more reply" link to make sure you read the whole thread. You will not regret it.