I have to say I am ashamed of a lot of you. I thought we had moved past the point where we shame people simply for cutting the half time orange.

The former leader of Reform in Wales has admitted taking bribes to make statements in support of Russia. This should be a massive story www.google.com/amp/s/www.bb...

spending hours a day sucking the vacuum hose against my belly for as long as I can endure in preparation for the day I need to plug the missing door hole on a transatlantic flight

Hey everyone, I'm reporting live from the new national seagull summit - there are so many seagulls here. They're pecking and biting at me. Why did we convene all these seagulls for talks? What did we think we would learn from this? It's just me trapped in a room with 10,000 seagulls.

I see a lot of people laughing about the Jeremy Corbyn - Zahra Sultana fallout, all of it overplayed in my view. In years to come this will be seen as a hiccup in Your Party's rise to dominance. Why? Corbyn is simply too good at winning over internal party critics to let this escalate.

my favorite subgenre of Halloween decoration is “skeleton of things that absolutely do not have skeletons”

My latest column, about a seagull I found oddly captivating, as well as other seagulls I have seen in the past. There wasn't space to cover all the seagulls I have interacted with, because the column is meant to be about football, but it has a few seagulls www.nutmegmagazine.co.uk/issue-37/tan...

My latest column, about a seagull I found oddly captivating, as well as other seagulls I have seen in the past. There wasn't space to cover all the seagulls I have interacted with, because the column is meant to be about football, but it has a few seagulls www.nutmegmagazine.co.uk/issue-37/tan...

Touched hands with the woman working at the supermarket checkout, so unfortunately that means I will need to marry her now. The other option would be to flee the country and start over again somewhere else, but I think I need to do the right thing.

My piece on seagulls, football, and overcoming our own anxieties. I'd like to make it clear I wrote this before seagulls entered the parliament yesterday (metaphorically) - though oddly it does cover both Douglas Ross and seagulls

would you still work for me if I were a worm?

The toddler has now worked out she's allowed food whenever she wants, whereas the dog (a labrador) is not. Apparently struck by the injustice of this she has responded by demanding food and immediately handing it to him, like some tiny Karl Marx, redistributing all my toast.

This would certainly be an unfortunate moment to have written a light hearted football column covering Douglas Ross and seagulls. Particularly to have done so and filed quite some time ago. Really didn't think this would be the one to come back and bite me, but here we are.

This Week's Onion Magazine:

Well, I'm sure that was what she was hoping you'd do with it, she'd be very pleased.

can't really begin to explain the extent to which I do Not want to be filmed without my knowledge by someone wearing smart glasses while out and about

Do you think unbending Clippy until he was a long piece of metal would be painful for him. Or do you think it would cause him to feel a great sense of relief

You join us live from Danny Dyer’s birthday drinks.

Simpsons Monorail song. For a while anytime SatNav suggested Main Street I'd say 'but Main Street's still all cracked and broken'. Then after a few years I'd say nothing but look pointedly at my partner till she said it, sighing. Now neither of us say it, there's just a look of tortured recognition.

👋 Hello people of Portobello 📕 Issue 37 is now of the shelves of the wonderful @portybooks.bsky.social alongside some brilliant independent magazines. 📚 If there are any other independent bookshops out there who would like to stock Nutmeg then DM us. Shares and bookshop recommendations welcome.

Ten thousand stories before 10am and I'll be honest, I'm starting to wonder if Play, Talk, Read was a terrible mistake. "GIRFEC is woke nonsense - children should be neither seen nor heard". Me, for the Spectator.

Customer feedback this week; ‘Please can you get some more diversity at the National Trust by encouraging more hot men to visit.’ Ideas for how we do this v welcome. Nothing too racy please - we are the National Trust not the National Tryst.

This gets progressively funnier with every use of the term "floppy".

Shamelessly celebrating 0-0 away to Denmark. Scotland's best draw since we beat England at the Euros.

Really makes you think.

Would the Prime Minister consider voting for Nigel Farage at the next election? From these quotes I can't see why he wouldn't, unless he just thinks he would adopt the same policies more efficiently.

my father-in-law is a “I know a guy” Guy. sadly all the old Guys are aging out of the Guy Economy. Guys are fundamentally incompatible with Hustle Culture because it’s not about “winning” a deal, it’s about collecting favors and goodwill in a mutually-beneficial cycle. protect your local Guy Economy

think the reason why this feels both frightening and maddening, as opposed to merely the former, is that it doesn't even feel like we're in a losing battle, somehow we're engaged in a battle where most alleged good guys don't seem to care or notice what's going on, so yeah, it keeps getting worse

i'm the guy who invented the spike traps that pop out of temple walls. i hate my job. every day my boss says "why haven't we killed any archeologists" and i say "they haven't invented that yet." they pay me in tomb juice. i hate tomb juice. honestly i might just start working on my big boulder idea

It's working about as well as could be expected

There’s been an update!!

What i love about this is that they haven't actually written a story about a man who owns 23 buses. They've written a story about his wife's reaction to his decision to own 23 buses. They've renosed the story. In fact the impact on their relationship then makes up the bulk of it.

Please support high quality Scottish journalism, as well as my work.

Real good news, bad news situation for Dundee Utd fans tonight. On the one hand, our game against Rapid Vienna is not on BBC (naturally they opted for Linfield v Vikingur Gota, the big game). But the good news: there's a massive torrential storm coming. THE AUSTRIANS WON'T LIKE THIS!!

The idiotic trans-panic about M&S continues - a few dozen protesters outside M&S Argyle St. Not much said about women's rights but a whole load of shouted slurs about 'trannies'. Mask well and truly off.

This is not a neighbour - it is a threat. Vote for me and I will stop it.

I'm torn between irritation that a newspaper is reporting it as though Spider-Man is a real person who is actually in Glasgow, and the overwhelming instinct to start shouting GET ME PICTURES OF THE SPIDER-MAN

Israel said it would halt aid drops if journos were allowed to film from planes. The Jordanians know as well as anyone that aid drops are ineffective, a last resort in the face of mass starvation in Gaza. Palestinians have been referring to the drops as "like Squid Games." Jordanians made a call.

Never imagined I could have so much in common with a snail

The Defeated Names of Yesteryears is actually the name of my new emo band

Sold out tonight, Monday, Tuesday. But not tomorrow because people rightly feel it's not appropriate to do comedy on the Lord's day. So if you're in Edinburgh, and heathen, there's an opportunity there. ALSO secret show again at Summerhall 3.40 today, me and others. This makes it less of a secret.

Pilot Beer say people without beer will be at a disadvantage in the future

I'm not sure about this age verification plan. I just scanned my face for Bluesky & within microseconds my phone started screaming "woooooaaaahhh fucking hell you're old enough!! Fucking hell what happened to you?!!" Is that how it's meant to work? My phone just called me a leathery old hag??

I never understand why they don't call the new party Don't Know. It always does really well in polls.

Given the evidence heard today, I'm starting to wonder if it was a mistake for so many of Scotland's leading politicians and political commentators to have referred to Sandie Peggie as a hero.

No, I simply refuse to believe this isn’t a parody. The setup. The absurd outfit. The typing. The vocal fry. The “and no, it’s not stalking – it’s called journalism.” The fact it makes Zohran Mamdani sound amazing

When the enormity of the world's horrors makes you feel helpless, narrow your focus. Find one stranger and scold them for posting a recipe while kids are dying. Call out a new mom for not adding alt text to a baby photo. Critique a selfie. Correct a joke. Show people you care more than them.