Watch the new Kumail Nanjiani stand up special.

I swear to god, when IT HAPPENS, I might even take a sip of champagne

Happy Birthday to @jezmund.bsky.social and @magicthursday.bsky.social, arguably two of the funniest people in the crew. Definitely funnier and better looking that ScootchFanooch.

give me one good reason that I should not drive out to Long Island today just to walk up to two doors, get four perfect life giving hugs from my girls and their guys and then just turn around and drive home

wut

i gotta take a nap so i can be up at 3 AM

sure sucks that Joran Van Der Sloot is such a failure

I cannot wait for "Is This Thing On" to come out. Oh my god.

why did my iphone just ask me if i wanted to place the call (of which I am on hold) on hold?

My handsome, kind, intelligent, hilarious, wonderful stepson turned 15 today, yet he gave me the gift when he told me he loves me back. Happy Birthday, Hugo. 🩶

There is nobody on this planet that I’d rather Shoop with. Love you so much, @juvenilesuccess.bsky.social! Happy Birthday!

I’m saying it now so that I can remember it for later. The Saturday Night Live UK edition is not going to work.

Latke crusted chicken breasts? Latke crusted chicken breasts.

I don’t think that there’s enough respect put on Melissa McCarthy’s name and I dislike that. She is a national treasure.

a true mensch and so help me G-d if this news kills Mel Brooks, I will lose my fucking mind

Brown. Bondi Beach. Reiners. On the first day of Hanukkah. I’m sick. And I’m praying for all the families sick with grief for people who should not be gone.

OMG FUCK YOU NO WAY

Latke crusted hotdogs.

Latke crusted hot dogs? Latke crusted hot dogs.

I don't need a therapist. I just need to watch Taylor Swift and cry happy tears of being seen for a few hours every week. Looks like I have the next few weeks covered by Disney+.

I ordered the tomatoes and cheese and the pastrami soup.

I’m only gonna say this eight times, so you better listen up. Happy Hanukkah!

That Lisa Barlow, man. smdh

Not gonna lie, I sent this in a DM to Jason just now. www.instagram.com/reel/DSNU2iG...

Happy Birthday to Taylor Swift, Wade, and Simon ONLY

22 hat got me about two minutes before it happened. Wow. I’m very emotional today in a good way but it’s a lot of tears.

Mascara doesn’t stand a chance today. Not even gonna bother. I was less than five minutes into the final show and I’m already heaving and crying. Over a pop star and a concert I never saw but that’s just how I live my life. Deal with it, Carolyn.

All Taylor; All Day

“and if he called me a bitch then he had it coming…”

Reputation lyrics are changing. This is not a fucking drill, @zzbenz.bsky.social!

Just finished their 10th anniversary episode from last season, turn to Page Six and…

Like I’m even gonna sleep. 3 AM. I’m gonna be dead tomorrow.

Staying on X to “check in” or to take screenshots of tweets that you can share here to dunk on terrible people is weird. We’re here because we know they’re terrible. Stopping for a drink at a Nazi bar just to make sure it’s still a Nazi bar doesn’t make you less of a Nazi bar patron.

Jen Shah sprung the COOP

It’s on.

Mine is rabies...scabies....Mickey Rooney's Sugar Babies

been on a mission today to stave tears away (frustrated with work) by laughing as much as possible today. this helped me and I hope it helps you, too. please get to the list of ailments. please. i want to know your favorite malady. www.youtube.com/watch?v=5F1A...

I just watched an indie wrestler do the string dance, @peckedbythedove.bsky.social. It was awesome.

i have been texted by two women today that made me laugh so hard. i am so thankful for you both. (Italian-Australian) (Tight skirts on Taylor)

You Will Be Visited By 3 Spirits (For the Rest of Your LIFE!) www.youtube.com/watch?v=np2Z...

I have had what they call “a day.”

just remembered the greatest post of all time

I just heard all my ancestors yell “SACKED” from the other side.

Happiest of Birthdays to my favorite Falcon, @tmsparks.bsky.social! I hope that you don’t find yourself becoming less Tall due to osteoporosis in the coming years as you descend the hill. Anyway, have a great time tonight celebrating this milestone. I’m sending an extra hug with Katie to give you.

The day I met Jesse, I kinda blew him off because I wasn't having the best day. Before you know it, the huge foreheaded fuck weasled his way deep into my life and heart. He is one of four people I speak to almost daily and without fail. It's his birthday today. I give you all permission to give hell

I was today years old when I learned what the song relaxed by Frankie goes to Hollywood is actually about. I’m in timeout until further notice

Big News today, guys. Taylor Swift is getting married on June 13th. Mark your calendars!

The look on Andy's face when he says "Imagine that." The best. www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8oR...