Shart on your local conservative.

Who wants to make out and dry hump while watching old adult swim cartoons?

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk it's too warm today.

Hello, yes, I would like to order one sexing, please.

No, I don't want to listen to a podcast.

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My boyfriend: here's your sippybox Me: it's a JUICE BOX and I'm a grown woman. Now let me go sit in my fluffy pink chair and play my video games.

Why do people keep casting Jared Leto in things?

Oh George, you sly dog.

Woke up to being attacked by the British. Somebody send a dehumidifier so I can get rid of these fog-breathers.

The most accurate recreation of DS9 I've seen.

Enterprise is heavily underrated.

This is gunna be the Christmas movie of the year. Coming May 2027.

People talk about buying clothes and fast fashion, and I'm over here wearing the same Gundam shirt I've had for over a decade.

Slaw is short for Slawnathan.

The music in this place always was the tits.

Rockabilly motherfuckers be like "This is how Americana was supposed to be, back when this nation was a bunch of good, typical Christians. " Seems to forget that when around anyone in need, and likely abuses their spouse. Likely only goes to church on Xmas.

I LOVE BOOBIES!

I love it when I wake up and my kitty gets excited. He knows that soon he will be able to have morning lap/cuddle time. He is so precious.

I had a pet rock once, but he didn't do much because he was always stoned.

I'm sorry I can't hear you over all that coleslaw I'm farting into that massive punch bowl.

[hanging out @ the school playground] “hey kid, pssst, c’meer, wanna try a neat drug?” (kid comes over) “what is it, mister?” (i flash a tylenol bottle) “they call it Rainman. it uhh, makes you really good at math.” (kid takes the pill and his face goes blank) “one minute to Wapner!” he says.

If you see someone shoplifting a boyfriend, no you didn't

"We're agents Coledur and Slawy, FCI."

You've heard about Cole seam fires. How about coleslaw fires?!? Idk.

babies 🥺

Rockabilly motherfuckers be like "This is when America made amazing cars, man." Drives a hotrod that destroys the planet 1000x faster than todays cars, and does it with much less performance and reliability. "They're so fast, man!" They take forever to go 0-60. Oh, and it doesn't have seatbelts.

Fuck yeah, local forest preserve! I can go play any time I want.

looks like it won't storm, and drizzle at worst. LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Eating all the cookies in the house. No one gets cookies other than me.

*desperately hoping it doesn't storm today so I can take my RC crawler to the park.*

Don't you dare put that baby in pelican mouth.

I found the part I lost in the park, and my wife fixed my crawler's 4wD with her tiny hands! I love her so much! She's so good to me.

remove the bulletproof glass cowards

Rockabilly motherfuckers be like "I was born in the wrong era man. Simpler times." Which means they just wish they could be openly racist and shitty to women.

The goblin black market has some good picks this year.🙏

Broke this thing already and I am unbelievably mad at myself.

Rockabilly motherfuckers be like "I'm such an outlaw with my motorcycle, man." But they're actually bootlickers.

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Hehehehhehehehehhe. *Inner child intensifies.*

IT'S THE WEEKEND

My point is you should reshare me more because I'm funny

Blood Fart

Rockabilly is so fucking stupid. Motherfuckers be like "I'm super badass." And then listen to beach music.

It is an indisputable fact that battlemechs are stored in the balls

Friday night bongs are the ones that make you choke the best.

Dream cougar.

LIFE-HACK: if relish is unavailable, you can chew up a pickle and spit it out on your hotdog like you're feeding a baby bird