Me: I wish my parents cared more about my acting career Parents: As non-artists, we know very specifically what you should do as an actor Me: *puts genie back into bottle* Genie: I wish my parents cared about my genie career.

How many paper straws do I have to drink from to balance out 2 million liters of diesel?

Crazy that Grok is contributing to global warming. That’s like if Microsoft Bing was burning down rainforests.

Congrats to Stephen Colbert for never bending the knee.

I love that there are people in LA that will DEMAND a stranger's time and advice and then there's me - who when asking a close friend an entertainment industry favor I feel like I'm going to throw up until they respond and aren't mad at me.

X CEO Linda Yaccarino is now ex X CEO Linda Yaccarino. Rumors are she’s doing a sequel with Vin Diesel where she will be xXx CEO Linda Yaccarino.

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday!

Republican humor is making a cute fun name for a concentration camp.

Democrats don’t like Democratic Socialists but voters do.

We have the phrase “Preaching to the choir” but we don’t have one for “Preaching to the people that will never ever change their minds so just cut them out of your life.” Maybe it’s too wordy.

Mick Jagger dances like a baby and that’s a compliment

I genuinely think al pastor could make racists less racist. You can’t hate that taste.

I just want to confirm that Los Angeles is in fact a very scary place and you should not drive up housing demands it’s vewy vewy scawwy

she’s like 15 feet away. absolutely that man’s whole thought process was: “I’m gonna shoot that woman”

Saw from a friend on FB ICE AT NOHO TARGET

Finished the first draft of an unauthorized feature based off of a 1989 music video. It took forever. Please clap. #screenwriting #screenwriter

I know this isn’t a new take but for right now - Thank god we don’t have emotional women in charge 🙄

Made a smart choice not to make a Cider House Rules joke to my young sketch team

Definitely have FOMO. Inside of me is one wolf.

Sex life in your 40s www.tiktok.com/t/ZTjmKJAGU/

Sorry I only use Home Box Office #HBO

If you made $475 a day since the dinosaurs roamed the earth, you’d have to do a lot of math to know how much money you now have.

The internet’s crazy, like “damn I made this thing for free that only made 100 people happy!” 😡

Growing up under the impression that more friends made blood handshakes. Not one blood handshake yet. Y’all doing blood handshake friendships while I’m home?

“Abolish ICE” is the moderate position. Radical is “prosecute every ICE employee under RICO.”

Pope already came to LA expecting me to know his improv team smh

Jeff Goldblum disarms a bomb idk www.tiktok.com/t/ZTjURyNg4/

SNL officially landed a UK remake. It's already your annoying American friend's favorite version of SNL.

Frugal dads nationwide forcing family to eat day old hard boiled eggs.

Rodney Safefield - a one liner comic that talks about how respected he is

Abrego Garcia's wife: "I will not stop fighting until I see my husband alive. Kilmar, if you can hear me, stay strong. God hasn't forgotten about you. Our children are asking when you will come home ... they miss their dad so much."

Let Them See Space #blueorigin

What a blast doing A Very Special Episode tonight @ the Pack Theater w/ @johnnyabbott.bsky.social, Sitara Falcon, @mattharbert.bsky.social, Tim Jennings, Matt Manser & @zabsters.bsky.social. One of the best shows we've done. Drunkards & Dragons was awesome too. Thanks to all who performed & who came

We could end this now if we dare that man to also stand up for 24 hours.

Forget star signs - what spices do you run out of the most? I’m a garlic salt / Italian seasoning rising.

If I simply wanted to talk shit on the comedy scene in a chat I’d double check the members in the group before sending.

Serious question - if their usage of Signal is illegal as it seems, does @signal.org have a responsibility to ban these accounts for breach of the ToS? #petehegseth

The Bourne Identity but Hesgeth keeps blowing his spot up.

Hey I remember this! What a talented bunch!

Boop

Roses are red Violets are blue

In this interview Schumer says he agrees with Trump’s decision to pull $400 million from Columbia. A university in his own state. And he’s unconcerned about the unlawful arrest of Mahmoud Khalil, one of his constituents. He is a traitor who needs to resign.

Wow I can’t believe season 4 of Ted Lasso he coaches an iOWest DCT team. How’s he gonna turn this one around

i honestly have never seen a political leader so thoroughly destroy their credibility so quickly and, on the other side, it is abundantly clear that if anyone can claim a genuine leadership of large parts of the democratic party, it is AOC.

@schumer.senate.gov retire bitch

KEEP CALLING. PEEL OFF ALL DEM SENATORS YOU CAN. ☎️: (202) 224-3121 Tell them to vote NO on Cloture and NO on CR. Vote is pushed to after 1:15ish for now. Situation is fluid. The only public YES votes are Schumer and Fetterman. They need 7-8 total. KEEP CALLING. Call retiring Senators too!

I would not let my daughter to apply to Columbia

Cuck Schumer send idk

I think some in the Senate have convinced themselves that the backlash to folding will be limited to “the left” and therefore ignorable. Those people are deeply and profoundly misreading the moment and the stakes. Virtually every swing district House Dem walked the plank to vote NO for a reason.