this is the kind of breaking news I'm here for.

all I want is one - just one - reporter to shout out "HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY THAT YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON?" I would literally go into debt for the rest of my life to pay their legal bills. I would do unspeakable things. just a single moment of pushback.

Okilly Dokilly - White Wine Spritzer www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BEv...

so my sweetwater "sales engineer" is in that simpsons-themed metal band, right? because that's the only way I'll be ok with him calling me every week for the next six months to ask how my $8 tuner is working out for me.

@jasonkpargin.bsky.social ignoring whether or not Xitter is still the public square (which I don't think it is) there's no reason to shit all over bsky because it isn't. we can do our own thing, with our own culture, memes, etc. we can just have fun here, and there's nothing wrong with that.

but in all seriousness, who gives a shit? does EVERY site need to be a Xitter replacement? people seem to be so desperately searching for a new "public commons" that they can't accept the idea that a site can exist just for having silly fun and discussing why they don't like grapes.

bsky: so there's this guy, Will Stancil. he's super annoying and everyone hates him. me: ok. so we'll just ignore him, right? bsky: oh, no. no no no.

someone posted this in r/MadeMeSmile, which in itself makes me smile. www.newsweek.com/ice-agents-k...

there is no amount of money that you could pay me to prevent me from clawing my eyes out if I had to watch this.

The real thrill of the Olympics is every time I look at my phone I’m ignoring the most important 90 seconds of a person’s life.

The fuck

so this is basically the scariest thing I've ever seen. www.bbc.com/news/article...

I have no idea why I made this, but 2014 was a very different time.

All I’m saying is, some of you have been a little hasty in writing phrenology off as a science.

there are few feelings as deflating as realizing you HAVE to eat that shit-ass bagged salad tonight, otherwise it will go bad and you wasted $4. I am an adult with free will. I shouldn't have to experience this kind of pressure.

nothing at McDonalds should cost more than $5, which is why it's dying. "you want a six layer Big Mac? 40 cents more. egg McMuffin? that'll be $1.50. yes that egg was fried three days ago, but what are you going to do about it, you filthy bitch? you're here so you're obviously not ok. embrace it."

oh my god, I just realized I haven't heard from my Sweetwater rep in like three months. I hope he's ok.

Tonight’s dumb napkin cartoon…

Washing my hair and unzipping my DNA

can you imagine how disappointed you’d be if you knew nothing about this book and only picked it up for this particular cover

I still can't believe we lost the horizontal video fight.

One thing about the line that Platner didn't know the meaning of his Nazi tattoo is that it presupposes he either has never in his life seen a movie set during WWII, or that he's the dumbest man alive

every day I try to tell myself "they can't all be that dumb, can they?" it's not going well.

man, why can't we just be normal?

I don't think I'll ever emotionally recover from this. #MegaForce #filmsky www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tbn...

oh cool I guess I'll just go back to recording my neighbors comings and goings like a normal person.

you missed the best one

Happy birthday to one of my favourite haters, Charles Darwin

so I'm the first to admit I know absolutely nothing of French politics or criminal proceedings, but wouldn't it make more sense for this thumbnail to be a picture of the ACCUSED, not the PROSECUTOR?

lmao

just a friendly reminder that charlie kirk is dead and watching his wife cuckold him from hell. feels good, right?

why even advertise Law & Order? it's like the DMV, we all end up there eventually.

"she had a smile that extended further than the edges of her mouth"

oh fuck yeah.

goddamnit I'm watching Planet Earth on BBC America and I STILL can't get away from gambling ads.

holy shit, Walter Koenig is still alive

[clears throat, steps up to mic] Howard Nutlick.

oh no! lasvegassun.com/news/2026/fe...

When you kick a pirate in the crotch

haha holy shit

this was literally an SNL skit.

maybe it's because I was there for the earlier/peak days of tumblr, but sometimes when I'm scrolling through my feed I just wanna go full Oprah - "and YOU get a writing gig! and YOU get a writing gig! and YOOUUUU GET YOUR OWN SHOW! (also sorry for that show you got on ruining your life.)"

Wait was this country invented by perverts

The Shawshank Redemption. TBS classic.

"Read Chomsky" they said "I can't understand it" I said well whose stupid now

Unfinished. #LiamRamos

!!!