Get in losers, we’re going to mall world

Make America Kind Again

You guys … I did a thing

Sorry I can’t invest in your pyramid scheme. My moneys all tied up in groceries.

Maybe all my trauma stems from being dehydrated all those years ago as a kid.

Before google maps you just had a buddy in another car who said “follow me” then proceeded to run a late yellow at the next intersection.

I can achieve just two styles of eyeliner: 1) Undetectable 2) Murder Clown on their 6th bar in a pub crawl

I’m the proud curator of this flaming dumpster life that I’m living. Artisanal even.

All my clothes probably just shrunk in the washer and dryer. Every single one of them. Right ?!? RIGHT?!?

It’s so hot here in the northeast that I was thinking about taking a trip to Florida to try and cool off.

Guys ! What do I say when the Trader Joe’s cashier flirts with me ? Do I accept his proposal and start looking for a wedding venue ?

Thinking about changing my emergency contact to the random guy at the bagel place who just told me to have a good day.

Did your dad put me in his will yet ? I’m tired of working

If you see me and my Twitter crush at a Coldplay concert, no you didn’t

I’m ready for my kiss cam close up 🤣!

I haven't a penny so I offer you a pickle for your thoughts instead

Apparently Beaches in Florida have flesh eating bacteria ? Hmm this could solve a lot of problems…

All hail the beans

If you post juuuust the right post, you can get all the best reply guys: "debate me" guy "what about this totally different thing" guy "let me misinterpret that for you" guy "look how smart I am" guy "I hate-follow you" guy the entire collection!

If we were friends once you’re always gonna be in my heart. Even if I’m not in yours anymore.

My kids are growing up and genuinely like hanging out together on their own. My heart always smiles when I see them posting pics together.

Was jamming out to the Muzak at the gas station pump and then I realized it was Push byThe Cure. I’m Gonna need a long minute to process this. One of my fav songs of all time is now Muzak. Do I just check myself into the nursing home tonight or what ?

Wanted. Someone highly inappropriate to make out with at a Coldplay concert. No weirdos

I’m so old now that I could die and instead of everyone crying about how young I was, they’d all just mutter “well she had a good run.”

I used to have friends. It was nice, I think. I can’t remember

Shoutout to landlords that allow pets. They’re literally saving lives.

You guys!!! I have a DATE Saturday night! Well not exactly but it’s a fancy dinner at a beautiful lakeside Inn at sunset. Sure, it’s with like 7 other people but it still counts, right ?

Facebook algorithm started showing me “dull women’s group “ in my feed as if I needed another reason to hurl myself off a cliff. Or get a few more cats.

At this point my retirement plan is either jail or the convent. Maybe I can just deport myself somewhere nice.

Being an American, my health care coverage is called GoFundme

Reached the stage of life where the most satisfying part of my day was watching a blackbird take a bath in my backyard fountain.

McDonald’s- possibly the only place you can get the respect you deserve , by being called “Sir” even when ordering off the value menu.

RFK JR can go fuck himself and his list

I’d really like to go to the mall right now, meet up with some friends, hang out in the food court, go listen to some cool new music at a record store, browse the books at Barnes and noble and then maybe get an orange Julius. But sadly it’s not 1992 anymore.

I had hot spicy honey from my chicken sandwich congealed in my hair all day so yes, follow me for more beauty tips.

I was home alone last night and Alexa suddenly yelled out “ I’m afraid I can’t do that “ WTF?

Let’s face it. At this point, the only one interested in my body, is the crematorium.

An assisted living place that’s staffed completely by golden retrievers. Sign me up …

My sister is an attorney at a family law practice that relies on funding from various sources. They help People who can’t always afford representation. 16 people were just let go. It’s just the start.

Gliding into my decrepitude nicely, if I do say so myself.

I have no business wearing yoga pants but here we fucking are. Look away. Save yourself .

Not everyone who survives trauma is funny but all your funny friends survived something they don’t want to talk about so instead, they will make you laugh.

🤣 me and my shadow

Him: send pics *Sends him my MRI

Me, an elderly fall risk, with a bad knee You, a rotten banana peel on the edge of a cliff HMU

if the olive garden was really an italian family they’d yell at you the whole time

Last night I was babysitting and the tv was on Fox News. I tried changing the channel but the sound of Fox News followed, merging along with any other show I tried to watch. I could not mute it. It was like a living nightmare. I hope it didn’t affect me. Anyway, I am off to go by a Tesla

Me with torn meniscus, sitting and watching someone shuffle by slowly. “ what a show off “

I need an inheritance, stat.

All I’m Saying is that I’d rather be stung repeatedly by 10000 angry bees than sign up for bumble.