I think Joe Rogan’s lil’ titty nipples look just fine

Somewhere in the ocean are the pee pee molecules I squirted in there one random day in the 1980s when I was a kid. I wonder where they’ve been, what they’ve seen. If they’ve ever encountered any of my other piss particles from other times that I tinkled in there

There has never been a better professional sports team logo than the Asheville Tourists had from 1994 through 2004, absolute criminal behavior to have moved on from this

Writing “‘Crocodile’ Dundee/Ernest from the Ernest movies team-up reboot?” on a piece of paper, stapling it to a one billion dollar invoice, and mailing it to the President of Movies

When I die, bury me in the Bean Hole

You can’t take this “Crocodile“ Dundee guy anywhere 😅 he doesn’t know how anything works!! 😂🤣 Crocodile it’s just an escalator! lmao

Happy birthday to Girl Talk’s “Night Ripper”, which turns 20 years old today

there will only be four Halloween costumes permitted under Woke 2.0: generic bed sheet ghost, Trixie Mattel, Grimace, traffic cone

Everybody is always talking about the Tooth Fairy. But how about we have a freakin’ Truth Fairy. How about we wake up and the Truth Fairy left a little piece of paper under our pillow that says, “hey man, this orange guy in the White House is no good”

Me, the guy who has never played StarFox 64 or any of its prior subsequent remakes

I think I am becoming a Baseball Boy. A “dude of the diamond“ if you will. What’s the next step on my jourtpney (not correcting that exquisite typo), save for watching games? Any particularly good writers/youtubers/etc.

Butter is lotion to potato skins

We’re having friends over later, I grilled a bunch of vegetables and my wife baked millionaire’s shortbread 😋

Let’s start a gang

I hope David Allan Coe is enjoying hell!!

how about a tank of gas, oy yoi yoi

Sat down in the ants again

Steam controller? You mean this guy? 🥴

I drilled several holes through the shaft of my penis in order to improve my urine expelling efficiency. This was not a good idea

Imagine the number ”one billion”. Now multiply that by a trillion. Multiply the product of these numbers by a million. Put that many zeroes after a 1. That is the largest number that anybody could imagine the concept of

Ask somebody if they wanna hear a knock-knock joke. If they say yes, you say, “ok you start it“. They go “knock knock”, you go “who’s there?”, then if you’re lucky, their brain will reboot before your eyes

Dang that is crazy what happened at the WHCD. I’m having Popeyes for lunch

Watching an ep. of the Zack Galifianakis gardening show on Netflix w/ the wife: Me: So what’s an example of a vegetable that isn’t a root vegetable? Her: Leafy greens. M: Ya but leafy greens have roots, too. H: But you don’t eat those roots. M: Well you don’t eat the roots of a carrot, either! wth

Food truck that served cold fried chicken and ice cold whole milk and nothing else

k-pop semen hunters, is this anything?

K-pop Semen Hunters

k-pop semen hunters

K-pop semen hunters

k-pop semen hunters

🚨🚨🚨WOOP WOOP🚨🚨🚨 You‘ve been pulled over by the ⭐️💛🍌𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐒 𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐋🍋🧀🐥 Show us that hot, frothy piss

Picture the scenario: you’re in your kitchen. You turn on the sink faucet, and water comes out. But how? And why? Mankind will never know the answer

So having a ceiling fan installed where there was no previous hole cut or wiring did costs $2k and takes four hours and counting, that’s cool, that is a fun thing to learn

Strong 4/20 date night with Mrs. America’s only patriot lined for up tonight: dinner at Texas Roadhouse, a few 100mg edibles for dessert, followed by the IMAX 4K restoration of “Speed Racer”

These are not James Bond. The guy on the left is Sean Connery and the guy on the right is Daniel Craig

You ever stumble across somebody on here with like 100 followers, who gets absolutely zero engagement on any of their posts, but you can’t tell whether or not they’re literally the reincarnation of dril or they’re somebody who is genuinely mentally disabled?

Things are better with the Bean

I think I will go to the family restaurant across the street later and have an iced cream milkshake as a little treat 🍦🥤

DAAAMN DoorDash™ Grandma, turn around and pull those butt cheeks open. I’m tryin’ to see somethin’ 👀💦

I will always and forever be a Floridian in my heart but the high here in northeastern PA is gonna be in the upper 30s on Monday and I could not be happier. Chilly weather! In late April! I think I am a Cold Weather Person and I never knew it until recently.

Sitting in the “Jeopardy!” audience and yelling out the questions to the answers because this is America and this is how I do freedom

PrEPeroni. The peace of mind that comes with knowing you are protected from developing AIDS, now in a delicious processed pizza topping form. Is this anything. Did we like this one

I’d sure like to chew on HER milk hole! Respectfully ofc

The small northeastern PA borough (it’s like, what if a city was a city, except they called it a borough) I moved to last year has a vacant seat on its borough council up for offer. I’m thinking of writing and submitting an incredibly stupid letter of intent, just to see what happens

Happy 10th birthday to the Kid Rock “Hey, authority:” tweet

*college professor lecture voice* “you can think of phlegm as a phm with a leg in the middle of it”

I farted and a little bit of PEE SQUIRTED OUT!!!!

“Chase Rice”? Uhhhhhh no thanks, I’ll just buy it at the store 🤣🤪

V.I. Warshawski Will Return In Avengers: Doomsday