Sorry boss, can’t make it to work today. I cummed too much this morning and now I’m feeling reallllllllllly dumb

It is vital for aspiring comic creators to let me borrow $200

They call me “Skankin’ Tony”. Horn tech extraordinaire for touring ska bands. 30+ years of experience. Been all around the world with Less Than Jake, Reel Big Fish. The BossToneS. Met Gwen Stefani once. Been to so many pizza parties. One time in Brussels, I even got to kiss a girl

I’ll be in my bunk! I’ll be jacking off in my bunk!!! 🥵🍆💦🐰

White people love behaving foolishly

outta my way lady i gotta write Jurassic Park

Coco and I are enjoying the fire 🐾🔥

Ruin a first date: Ah geez, I’m really nervous. I’m scared you’re gonna find out my dick don’t work and that I ain’t got no money to pay for this dinner. Oops should I have said that out loud

*me at the open mic, spiraling, dripping sweat, breathing shallowly, fumbling through index cards, wanting very badly to kms* so the Super Nintendo has “mode 7”, you heard about this? *silence* you heard about this? What’s next, mode 8??

What a blessing having a good friend is. But what’s even better than that is having a lot of money

Getting my fuck holes filled up with plaster and shut forever

Blaring Chief Keef on my phone in the waiting room of the podiatrist until somebody beats the shit out of me

Tired: Pitchfork Media charging $5 a month for posting and rating privileges Wired; Carles resurrects Hipster Runoff and charges $5 a month for ppl to be allowed to post slurs

The cake 🎂… IS A LIE!!! 🚫😡

Ever since I came out my momma’s butt, I knew I was destined for greatness

british guy: i hope americans are ready to be hated lib american reply: i'm so ashamed of my countrymen, i hope that the british don't hate me specifically Hamburglar: i haven't stolen anything since i got sober

Big day for Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Christopher "Tricky" Stewart, Alanis Morissette, Terry Britten, Graham Lyle, Kenny Loggins, Walter Afanasieff, Taylor Swift, and horny armpit enjoyers. Yowza, I hope that thing STINKS!!! 🫠 pitchfork.com/news/taylor-...

“Barenaked Ladies“? More like “Barenaked Laddies”; they’re a bunch of dudes! Get your shit together, Canada!

Just saw the Ordinary Sausage video where he fried a whole egg in a pot of hot oil and if somebody doesn’t immediately explain to me why a whole egg fried in a pot of hot oil will [spoiler alert] explode like a bomb, but I can boil a whole egg in water all day, I stfg my brain is going to explode

John Fogerty: “I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?” Me: “Yeah John, buncha times. Why.”

New York City has a baseball team called the Mets, a football team called the Jets, a basketball team called the Nets.. and their hockey teams are called the damn Islanders and Rangers?! Mamdani, take care of this!!

How do they come UP with this stuff?? 😄😂🤣🤪

Real talk: idk what the picture of the diagram of the plane with red dots all over it means when ppl use it as a reaction/contextual thing and at this point I’m almost too afraid to ask

Sophie Turner IS Lara Croft IN “Tomb Raider: The Quest to Beat Me to Death With an Aluminum Tee-Ball Bat”! Hot MAMA!! 🥵

Bong

Cooking Pro Tip: if you’re preparing a recipe that calls for plantains and you can’t find them, you can just use regular ass bananas instead, it’s the same thing

Can’t wait to get my dick sucked in a hot, smelly porta-potty while the dulcet tones of Pradabagshawty drift through the springtime breeze

alhamdulillah

🚨🚨🚨WOOP WOOP🚨🚨🚨 You‘ve been pulled over by the ⭐️💛🍌𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐒 𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐋🍋🧀🐥 Show us that hot, frothy piss

Drew Carey fucked my bitch

I’m here to eat pot roast and suck on some pretty painted toes. And I’m all outta pot roast!! 🦶🦶🦶

I love shoplifting! 💅

“Interactivity” rhymes with “winter activities”. If you’re a rapper or a poet, go ahead and use this for whatever

Wish I was slow-roasted in Grandma’s gravy…

There are men in my basement

Finally managed to snap up a reservation for two at Kudasai in NYC this August. Twelve seats, 400 sq feet dining room, located in the basement beneath a veterinarian clinic in Nolita. Michelin Bib Gourmand commendation. Their tsukemen costs $80 a bowl and it tastes like fucking shit

My mom works at Nintendo and she said they hired Alec Baldwin to do the voice of Yoshi in The Super Mario Galaxy Movie

Just learned that the French call these two Titi and Grosminet. I think we need to shut that whole country down for a while and get to the bottom of whatever is going on over there

“Resident Evil”? Uhhhhhhh yeah.. how about “PRESIDENT“ Evil 😡

Sure would hate it if a Muscle mommy killed the shit out of me. No! Don’t do it! 🫣

Justin Long implies the existence of Justin Short. Meanwhile: Venezuela

Death to America

Watching “Turner & Hooch” for the first time and if Hooch is seriously about to die I am gonna kms

Made a macaroni

squirt cobain

squirt cobain this is nothing

Squirt Cobain

Squirt Cobain

squirt cobain