RIP to the only man brave enough to tell Haley Joel Osment that he had AIDS.

Wouldn't Patel be better served by bringing in the Mighty Ducks to teach him how to skate? defector.com/we-have-obta...

Isn't this just that episode of The Thick of It where the star focus group participant turns out not to be a middle-class mum but a semi-successful actress pretending to be one?

I am "Actually, a fun-sized candy bar is the perfect unit of candy bar" years old.

A TV show you love with three seasons or less.

No joy in Melonville tonight.

"Of course I performed at the Riyadh Comedy Festival, I'm-" *holds microphone out to audience* Audience: *shouting* "FUR COAT RHONDA!"

Sometimes it feels like J.D. Vance isn't even *trying* to be a "Good Terminator".

trash movies from the 70s are art trash movies from the 80s are camp trash movies from the 90s are fun trash movies from the aughts are nostalgia trash movies past that are trash

I have a joke about Tiresias, but I can't see anybody getting it.

"You are the Kid Rock upon which I will build my church."

Fuckin' Paul Verhoeven-ass country.

The average American has three friends.

*Southie Voice* "Hah-vard? The fuck you on about about!? The University of California - Los Angeles. See, I can name prestigious schools not in Boston, too!"

I saw a werewolf drinking a Piña Colada at Trader Vic's/I fled in panic

cancelled tv show you will never stop thinking about

cancelled tv show you will never stop thinking about

Oh baby, you knoooooooow what I like!

TBH, it should have been a former contestant of Road Rules.

It’s embarrassing for a rich person to spend millions of dollars on trying to extend their life through science when that money could be better spent on hunting for a fabled amulet that grants immortality

The universe is 14 billion years old and we’re lucky enough to be alive at the same time as A Muppet Christmas Carol

Das Boot in the Ass.

The person in the Last Week Tonight writer's room who pitched the name "Old Colostomy" for this week's episode deserves the Nobel Prize.

Finally a new parenthood analogy I can understand!!

Unlike you, I get my news from a reliable source.

I'm so excited to announce that they bought my pitch for the Entourage Reboot! Look out for Entourage: Oops All Turtles this fall!

Me going to Safeway for the third time trying to get my pregnant wife's anti-naused medication refilled.

I did suggest to a friend that the assassination attempt may have actually been a "Someone hates these cans!" sitiation. Like the shooter's nemesis was on the risers behind the podium.

Do it Rockapella!

Young Raimi was a snack.

me normally: look at all of these terrible fucking problems with the United States me during international sports competitions: WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, USA USA USA, BALD EAGLES AND GIANT FLAGS FOREVER

breaking news from cannes: the 2023 standing ovation for wes anderson's "asteroid city" has just ended.

The geomagnetic storm seems to be winding down, so if you still need to communicate across time with your dead father via ham radio to solve your mother's murder, now's the time!

A phenomenal article, well worth the read! A lot of things are making me emotional these days & this was no exception. It brought the 7 year-old who loved the X-Men & the 17 year-old who was fascinated by Judaism together and gave my 37 year-old jaded husk a glimmer of hope for a better future.

If you see this, you have to post a picture from your phone but don’t explain it.

If you know, you know.

Please, Everyone, Welcome the Joker to the Gotham News team! wapo.st/3xbrhsy

Can confirm!

When I heard he presented last night I thought, "If they're smart that (and hosting the Governor's Awards) are a try-out for hosting". www.vulture.com/article/osca...

Lousy Smarch weather