If you see two people happy together. Leave them alone.

Forgot to wear green on St. Patrick's Day. Found myself in quite a pinch.

I'm not binary. I'm not binary one a drink on St. Patrick's Day.

I have a fever and can't stop playing the mandolin. It's highly possible I've contracted the bard flu.

That's a nice castle you got! Do the parapets match the gates?

In France they're called nuncheaux

I don't always drink hot coffee. But when I do, go fuck yourself.

Hey with the intention of eating half your pizza.

tired af - never had to live this long before

isn't even in the top 3 worst things the Corps did to me

It's okay to lie about having an Olympic gold medal for your own personal gain and general trickery.

5 eggs, a slab of red meat, a sizeable chunk of cheddar cheese makes the post-hard-workout body glow (I eat mostly veggies & fruit in other meals)

I fear the fear of missing out. I'm fomophobic.

Ever heard someone shit themselves with embarrassment but not because they shit themselves.. I provoke that

I can't believe I ever wanted to live forever

My mind is as tarp as a shack

Just had my annual check up. Doc says I have the balls of an angel.

The media be like

Make a movie cheesier: Cheddar by the Dozen

Beaufort and the Beast

Make a movie cheesier: Zero Dark Curd Brie

Make a movie cheesier: Blue Velveeta

going to tell women I have a cyberdick

I was a child progidy

It's time for a mea culpa. Gonna have mea culpa beers.

they keep using the word “ancillary” at work & I’m kinda getting pissed about it

dick stretchin is the better part of valor

My Shakespeare brings all the girls to the bard

Julius Ceasar loved burnt custard. Before Senate he'd often eat two brûlée.

This is the only job I’ve had that doesn’t reward hard work with more work. Kinda nice but not sure what to do with my hands now. Oh..lookie there never mind

Julius Ceasar loved burnt custard. Before senate meetings he'd often eat two brûlée.

The earth is so large it can be seen from space

Someday I'd like to travel to eastern Canada and see the void in Ontario

They’re all Tame Impala’s until you’re the one Impaled

Had an eye test the other day. Optometrist had me read a bunch of different sized letters. That's when I realized this mf can't spell.

Aurora boring all us

Never had a soup of the day. Can't stand the taste of du jour.

Lando Calrissian is the Baron of Cloud City. His name should've been Skydo.

I was going to do a joke about an exoskeleton. But it's not really my strong suit.

A Fistful of Dongs