I would deep-throat Blackpool Tower for Karen Hauer. (Also, Tess looks STUNNING.)

In the latest Guardian Blind Date: marathons; abattoirs; and harsh lessons from the University of Chopsticks. Read my review:

There will be a Guardian Blind Date review today. impeccable.theguyliner.com

New reason to live unlocked: my local pizza place Mamma Dough is putting sprouts on a pizza for Christmas.

I just want trans people the world over to be able to live in peace, and I don't think that should be an unreasonable ask or expectation.

I have to say that the best thing about being an adult, so far, is being able to have a can of Coke whenever I want. Everything else is awful.

You should never date someone whose profile picture is a screenshot of their appearance on a rolling news channel.

I would spread caustic soda on my morning toast if Karen Hauer asked me to. (Even though she’s been voted out.)

I’m greatly enjoying being DMed on Instagram by wide boys with ‘old money’ haircuts telling me my engagement is shit and I’ve probably been shadowbanned, and the only thing that can save me is the two-minute video they want to send me.

In the last two days I have been to a big Sainsbury’s, a big Asda and a big M&S. HEAVEN.

It’s TEN years since Pizza Express did that Brussels sprout pizza for Christmas and I think about it all the time.

I didn’t realise so many people hated Wuthering Heights! One of my faves. Have read many times – the edition I had was a Wordsworth’s Classics cheap paperback from a jumble sale that was annotated by someone studying it for English Lit. Let’s just say they struggled to grasp its prominent themes.

when the bouncers have reluctantly let me into the club but immediately realise they’ve made a horrible mistake

I would eat batteries if Karen Hauer asked me to.

In the latest Guardian Blind Date: they go out on a Saturday night, and you know what that means. Plus lots of Jonathan Bailey gifs in my review.

Niche, perhaps.

In the latest Guardian Blind Date: they go out on a Saturday night, and you know what that means. Plus lots of Jonathan Bailey gifs in my review.

There will be a Guardian Blind Date review today. impeccable.theguyliner.com

I was always on Basil's side (context: I consider King Lear to be the most sympathetic character in Shakespeare). Nevertheless, loved this from @theguyliner.bsky.social.

JAIL for the John Lewis advert

I would cram 25 dry Ryvitas in my mouth at once if Karen Hauer told me to

Can anyone with a sneaker fetish please identify these for me? (Have googled to no avail.) They were being worn by a very cool guy in his 70s and they’re great.

That confusing feeling of being happy for someone but also hoping a pigeon shits on them soon, just to even things out.

Diana would’ve loved all this

Ugh weather like this always makes me want to go buy a multipack of Double Deckers (the 9 bar one)

ICON. 💔

I’d change my name to ‘Gandalf With Boobs’ if Karen Hauer asked me to.

I like Tess Daly tbh.

Maybe they should do what you do in The Sims when you’re bored with them, and wall him up until he turns into an urn.

I’d eat my own hair, in ciabatta with Marmite, if Karen Hauer told me to. #Strictly

The BBC are accidentally running the subtitles to Mrs Marple over the Mercury Prize, and it’s rather wonderful. A few of lines could plausibly have been written by Jarvis.

Ugh such an unlovely piece of clothing. If you see me wearing one I have been cloned by an evil scientist and the real me is locked in a basement somewhere. Call the authorities!

Dialogue should be within speech marks – I’m reading a story not grappling with a sudoku.

Matt is one of my favourite people on here, witty, smart & kind. If you could repost this I’d appreciate it.

Almost too many to mention but buying the Johnny Hates Jazz album aged 12 was my first big blunder. Realise now I must've bought it because I thought the singer was cute? Don't think I ever listened to it all the way through.

Feels very pointed

THE SECRET PROJECT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS IS FINALLY LIVE CHECK IT OUT outsidersartsclub.com

This time 23 years ago I was on my way from Scotland to London in a van with everything I owned in it, hoping to make it as a writer. Funny how things turn out.

I’d eat a kg of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s earwax if Karen Hauer asked me to

“Turd concerned about being associated with toilet.”

BEREFT. www.youtube.com/watch?v=wisQ...

Always a pleasure to find myself in Euston station, brimming with all the charm of a disused abattoir

It’s my pleasure to share my review of The Glorious Dead by @theguyliner.bsky.social out from @dialoguepublishing.bsky.social Renegade lindasbookbag.com/2025/09/30/t...

If you’re in Manchester tomorrow evening and want to see me squirm on a high stool and talk about The Glorious Dead and lots of other stuff, please come to Social Refuge at 7pm. Tickets here: www.socialrefuge.com/event-detail...

@theguyliner.bsky.social - One chapter into “The Glorious Dead” and I fucking love it already. So so good!

The Glorious Dead in the wild and drinking wine without me?!?

Just saw my favorite take on an unlikeable main character: It's a novel, not a date. I so love an unlikeable character.

Hello Londoners. there are signed copies of The Glorious Dead (new novel, out last week, darker than the others) at @gaystheword.bsky.social and @waterstones.bsky.social Tottenham Ct Rd if you fancy one. (One in Foyles too and another in Waterstones Lewisham.)