There are absolutely going to be little shits in every primary school in the land bullying their classmates for being gay TODAY.

Now having to check every artist recommended to me by Spotify to see if they’re AI. There are a LOT of them.

They’ve added a second WH Smith on the concourse at London Bridge and it’s really messing with my ability to work out WHERE THE FUCK I AM.

Predicting Victoria will release Let Your Head Go/This Groove to streaming TONIGHT to take the heat off.

I bought some resistance band things and joined a Facebook group for people who have them but the only thing anyone ever posts is how they haven’t started using them yet.

I found an old Uniqlo puffy gilet from lockdown in the back of the wardrobe last week and that garment has not been off my back since, I'm in my French and Saunders FUSS AND NONSENSE era.

Hope he’s as good at this as he is at everything else!

We have an update on Charlie’s newfound love of printing.

I just went on the iPlayer and there it was.

Hope all you Disney gays will be boycotting.

When I see stories like this I always say that I hope my entire licence fee each year goes on one single shoe for Tess Daly to wear on Strictly.

No chip they won’t piss on.

many rich people lost their minds because social media let proles tell them they sucked

Can they just not?

I’ve been listening to 12 to 12 quite a lot but when it came on Spotify autoplay yesterday something sounded “a bit off” and it took my brain several seconds to work out what was wrong - it was a cheap knock-off cover by an artist called “Somber”. open.spotify.com/track/6RRDTZ...

This 'working for a whole day without any naps or snacks' caper is really not working out for me.

I follow this whippet’s insta and the pair of silly gays who own him have been celebrating his birthday for a full week now.

There’s also a new, longer version of Never Felt As Good out NOW! open.spotify.com/track/1O4A3K...

Westlife have done one of those ridiculous orchestral things at the Royal Albert Hall and I am here for it. youtu.be/3UhlfXHNkc4?...

Have just received an email from a fashion retailer telling me that "the 2000s are back with a bang".

Just saw Pillion, which I enjoyed, even though I was slightly taken out of it because I wasn’t expecting it to be set in Bromley. The first sex scene takes place in an alley down the side of Pret, and I sat right beside there and ate a jambon-beurre quite recently!

Just like every year, a friendly PSA: “Feliz ano nuevo” means “happy new anus.” “Feliz año nuevo” means “happy new year.” Wishing folks either one is nice, but make sure you’re using the one you mean.

This fireworks soundtrack is absolutely demented.

People have now been sending the “happy new year before the networks go down” post for longer than the networks ever actually went down.

Obsessed with this picture of Atomic Kitten dressed as Edwardian ladies from an old Smash Hits.

🎵”Suss-suss-sausages”🎵

Now Christmas is over I can safely say that every retailer I’ve had to deal with over a delivery has been an absolute dog fucker.

So happy with my absolutely ridiculous cover for this week’s Inside Soap. I managed to get 23 faces on it!! #corriedale

Me and @darrenscott.bsky.social went to the Mamma Mia 10th anniversary gala night. They served us PINTS OF WINE at the interval so we were too drunk to realise Benny and Bjorn were sitting at the next table at the afterparty until we saw it in the Evening Standard the next day.

Oops. Deleting that. How disappointing. I was a big fan of his go-kart racing, I didn’t know anything about his history of kidnapping princesses.

The arrival of 2026 means I finally get to use The Miss Piggy Cover Girl Fantasy Calendar 1981 that I bought in a thrift store in Conrad, Montana a decade ago.

Sophie Aldred's on Celebrity Mastermind tomorrow. Someone's specialty subject is "The actor Sylvester McCoy". I don't think I'll stop laughing until well into the new year if it isn't her.

😌

Watching Elvis on BBC1, it’s like a hundred TikToks playing back to back.

Jason Manford has just described Back to the Future as a “cult 1980s film” on this lottery musicals show - it was a massive commercial hit! Highest grossing film in the US in 1985, third in the world.

I know more about Connor Storrie after this last week than I did about people I dated for two years.

That’s showbiz!

Bad enough having to listen to the bastards droning on without looking at them as well.

Great to see the random headline news generator back in action

Jonathan Bailey must be absolutely sweating at the arrival of this pair of hockey lads.

Watching Call the Midwife and the nuns seem to be in Hong Kong fighting the Triads for some reason.

Biggest problem with both Corrie and EastEnders today is that it’s all just too much people standing around in rooms telling us about things that happened off screen.

Merry Christmas! youtu.be/qxXV3tvI0oo?...

Ab Fab, Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme, Nighty Night AND Beautiful People all on iPlayer at the moment!

First thing I saw on arrival in Scotland was a man queuing up at a till with four plain loaves piled high.

Certainly looks like it.

Always remember an author, can’t remember who, posting about their US proofread coming back with the note “Here is ‘Deirdre Barlow’ again. Who is she? She comes up a lot”

Ocado in November were all “Greetings human scum! So you desire one of our precious Christmas delivery slots? Then you must face Percy Fucking Pig himself in a battle to the death” but now they’re emailing me every half hour saying they can come whenever I want, day or night.

Heated Rivalry confusing algorithms worldwide.