A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got out of bed to look with him.

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche!

🦩🦩🦩🦩🦩👍

PM Meloni replies..again.

This is how Bruce Springsteen opened his concert in Los Angeles last night. 🔥🔥 Footage from @margaret_nagle on Threads.

There is reportedly a "foul stench" at the White House. Specifically in the rooms Trump and his cabinet frequents. Not a joke. I am almost at the point to recommend to use fire to get the rot out of the White House when he's out.

The completely & utterly demented, mentally ill President of the United States just posted this truly brainless imbecilic nonsense. Elected GOP are shameful to not remove this dangerously deranged fool from office immediately. There is something truly wrong with him. “Idiocracy” was non-fiction.

Strait of Hormuz is closed again and here’s what he’s doing.

Side shots of Trump at his disastrous G7 shows him looking heavier than Taft when he was in office. At least Taft told the truth about how tall he was and what he weighed.

Trump doubles down on globally humiliating himself in photo spat with Italy’s Meloni. Trump's mental illness is causing direct diplomacy and relations problems with a major ally. That's why it's important.

BREAKING: Iranian officials said they have closed the Strait of Hormuz — citing what they said was the U.S. failure to stop the fighting in Lebanon as required under the agreement signed by Trump.

When my wife found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline, she hit the roof.

Adolf Trump was overheard becoming paranoid about why his precious blue paint is peeling in The Reflecting Pool. He's drowning in his own hate and he doesn't know what 'reflecting' means. How ironic.

When Trump tells one of his stinking lies about the leader of Italy, the whole world knows who is lying and who is telling the truth. He's a sick man.

It's also a trail of distraction. #ReleaseTheEpsteinFiles

If Obama did the Reflecting Pool disaster Fox News would dedicate at least 14 hours a day to it.

Serious question. What has Israel ever done for America that merits sending them billions every year, fighting their wars and ignoring their genocide?

Why was Adele's phone bill so high? Because she must have called a thousand times.

🧵👇

What do you wanna bet they replace the dead squares with new ones, making it stand out more. Then they try to fade those squares with peroxide turning them bright yellow.

I have a joke about Einstein, but it's not relative....

Recent work on The Reflecting Pool was a no bid contract? Yes. Company owned by Trump donor won $1.7 million no-bid Reflecting Pool cleaning contract. Why does every little detail coming out of the Trump White House have to stink of fraud and corruption?

You would think that Trump would take a break from crime and fraud and graft once in a while just to change things up a little. But no. He won't approach any deal of any kind without putting a criminal spin on it because it's all he knows. Plus any hint of honesty bores him and irritates him.

Sadly, the guy trying to end a war and fix inflation can’t even paint a pool.

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi

A federal judge asked DOJ to put it under oath: Is the $1.8 billion “anti-weaponization” fund really dead? Todd Blanche said no. DOJ called the request “unnecessary.” If the fund is truly gone, why the refusal to swear to it in court? That question isn’t going away. We know why. Of course we do.

I guess the paint is peeling off the grass, too.

I told my toaster it wasn't waterproof, but it just didn't listen. I was shocked.

Something Happened in Moscow That Should Terrify Vladimir Putin Because the one thing every strongman fears isn't a bomb—it's the collapse of inevitability. www.jackhopkinsnow.com

I use Amazon boxes for cat litter. When they're full, I just tape them back up and leave them on the porch.

By the way nobody is arguing that the Iranian military isn’t diminished . It is (but now they have the cash to rebuild) A military exists to achieve an outcome. And the Iranian military achieved theirs. The regime is in place, we’ve promised to leave the region, we’re lifting sanctions, etc

FYI: JUST the act of lifting sanctions nets Iran about $5B PER MONTH. That's in addition to the $24B in unfrozen assets, and the $300B that will probably be managed by Kushner's hedge fund for a fee.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: I was artificially inseminated this morning. I don't believe you, replies Dolly. It's true, no bull!

Indeed. Jack Webb, Jimmy Page, Johnny Gage, Roy DeSoto, and all the rest... it was a great story line & made for some fine TV time, but it all started at Freedom House.

BFF: Trump always looks so grainy in every photo. Is that just what he looks like now? ME: He’s a lo-res guy BFF: Yeah, just like his whole persona is lo-res ME: 8-bit asshole @tenth-muse.com

Hilarious! Cruz thinks Trump listens to people.

👇🧵👇

🚨 TRUMP SPARKS DIPLOMATIC CRISIS WITH ITALY: Italy’s Foreign Minister Antonio Tajani has canceled his planned June 21–22 trip to Washington after President Trump insulted Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni, claiming she “begged” for a photo with him at the G7 and that he “felt sorry for her.” 1/

I like how Italy doesn’t excuse Trump’s crap or his lies, something we do a hundred times a day.

I feel like I’m the only one that is outraged that JD Vance spent a week promoting his book on the public dime. Even when defending the un- Christian ethos of his administration to NYT he worked in a f’n plug ‘available wherever books are sold’.

Trump (Slumlord MafiaPants): 'The Italian Prime minister Georgia Meloni “begged” me for a photo at the summit, and I obliged because I felt sorry for her'. News item: Italian foreign minister cancels trip to US over Trump’s lurid woman hating lie against Italy's female leader.

Trump: 'there will be no deal with Iran except for unconditional surrender' Also Trump: 'I never said who would be doing the surrender part'

I was just voted Least Likely to Succeed by my graduating class. I hate being a teacher!

FLASH: Justice Dept refuses to make official court filing which would've confirmed they're halting the Trump $1.7 billion slush fund DOJ: "Such declarations are unnecessary and the compelled testimony of senior officials from the Executive Branch implicates serious separation of powers concerns"

If Todd Blanche refuses to rescind the $1.8B slush fund in writing, then you can bet I’m not dropping my lawsuit

Why are balloons so expensive? Inflation...

Why couldn't the fungus have a party? His house didn't have mushroom.

Trump is paying Iran upwards of 400 billion, which is approximately half our annual military budget. Thanks to Dumbass Donald, they will be a significantly larger military force to contend with in the future. What a colossal failure!