This world isn't mine

That video from the Nancy Guthrie home is actually the most frightening thing you could ever see on door cam footage. Can't get it out of my head now. Her family must be so worried

Sometimes it feels like this isn't my world but yet, i'm stuck here

Regardless of everything, it comes right back. #spring #lifecycle

Haven’t finished with this watercolour yet so i don't know why I started peeling off the border tape. #portraiture #watercolours #illustration

Made a chunky soup this week and heated up some today with some leeks. I put in sweetcorn and water chestnuts too for the crunchy texture. When the soup boiled, I turned off the heat and put in some noodles. Not too much cos dumplings are in there, too. Smells like dinner is ready.

Thankful for the ppl in my life that look out for me and keep me going.

Walked to the pool and back today. All I have to do 2mo is get myself to the art session. Beautiful humans and lots of art experimenting. things i always look forward to. Will come straight home after.

Gonna skip the last swim class 2mo. Can't face three hours stuck in traffic. It's n9t always as bad as that, but i always get stressed out on the journey back. it gets so busy.. my nervous system isn't robust enough. And the traffic wastes my day off. Fully adjusted to the new pool now

Apart from the strong hugs and being held by my friends, I am finding co regulation helpful too. Not sure if it's called that. Deep breaths and exhaling together is so healing. I'm see this is why we can also heal in community

#Goodthings - Therapeutic chat with Suicide and co this morning -Encouraging chat and action plan with my mentor -slept the entire afternoon - Good evening swim -researcher wants to use my artwork to accompany blog post -adding water chestnuts to my soup for interesting texture and crunch

It is helpful that I reset my swimming bag as soon as possible after getting home. Just so that I can keep on top of damp items and restock my bag ready to go for next time. Time for some chicken soup, and make some progress on a watercolour painting.

Helpful guide around coping with the loss of a loved one. www.helpguide.org/mental-healt...

Just eaten a sandwich and some of the apple crumble i made yesterday. Going for an evening swim. When I return, I'll reheat some of that pot of chicken soup. Hopefully there aren't too many screaming, noisy kids at the pool this evening

Phonecall first thing this morning. I cried so much, ached and said what I wanted to say about D. And received support. Noon I had a mentoring appt that I couldn't get into initially and freaked out. When I got in the meeting she recognised I'm showing signs of trauma. I slept the entire afternoon

Experiencing Lived experience #watercolours #abstract #painting

There's no way this plant will be killed off #beadedplant #crafting #craftysaturday

Hoarder #crafting

Using cotton wool balls with watercolours is a good shout 👊🏿 nice change #painting #watercolours #illustration #whales

Multi tasks and music. I'm so tender to myself. Comfort++. Declined an invite to a birthday party i'm sorry to miss. I'm just not feeling robust. need soft, quiet spaces alone or with kind people I know.

Transitioning from this pool as its too far and I spend too much time on my day off, stuck in traffic. New pool is walking distance from home, i can vary the times i go which is perfect. #swimming #jubileepool #communitypool #lukejerram #helios

Got my teapot on the go. Marshmallow root and fennel seed tea. Paints and pad in my lap. Mermaids with Cher is streaming

Did the thing of swimming at lunch time, the new pool is so much quieter when the kids are not there screaming from every corner. Slowly starting to enjoy swimming. Ready for spring at the lake. Sadly, my friend might not renew her membership. I miss swimming with her

I've wanted to reach out and hold D close. There's mostly air in the spaces between us. Dehumanised at work but humanised by someone with the biggest heart. She held onto me until I had either cried out or packed in my tears. #grief #bighug #watercolor #ink #acrylic

Complicated #art #illustration #inkdrawing #grief

Little fox followed me home the other night. Surprised me at first but then I wondered about the spiritual meaning. Put down some almonds that I had in my bag for it. Just about have enough capacity for simple drawings right now. #gouache #art #illustration #urbanfox #grief

Had to show up in life because the realities demanded all of me. So I come home to music and imagery. Bring down the levels of devastation. A room full of visibly shocked ppl. All sharing experiences where emotion chokes out their voice

There are just no versions of experiencing deep trauma & healing deep trauma that doesn’t leave you a heavy feeling person. *wipes eyes*

It feels almost unsafe to be this soft in times like these.

There's just a full stop on his whatsapp status. he already notified us his story was gonna end. He was a talented writer and journalist. I will no longer encourage him to share his gifted world. we'd go on adventures walking the dogs. He loved nature as much as I did.

Tried to read my book but couldn't follow. I planned to go to the garden centre today but instead mooched around the chazzas. I got glasses/ceramic stuff I'm going to repurpose for my plants. Also picked up some deli stuff and bread rolls. Olive and feta, salami.. Will attempt a stir fry this eve.

Asked the cafe hostess for a cherry and Picasso slice to go with my peppermint tea, please. It was actually a Cherry and Pistacho slice but she was understanding

Shazaming the hell out of the music playing in the cafe right now. Having a sit down after being in the supermarket. they changed round the aisle so trying to find stuff got a bit stressy. Secured deli food to keep me going for a whileat home. LCD Soundsystem - Home 🎵

Our GROW Researcher Development Programme offers multiple opportunities for #mentalhealth and/or #addiction early career #researchers! From 1-to-1 coaching sessions & a two-night residential to workshops on topics such as applying for fellowships, there are so many ways to enrich your career!

What a legend

Had to get outside during the networking lunch. I felt rude but I was also able to provide quiet space for myself to grieve

I already booked yesterday off when I heard about the London meeting. Wed is just a walking meeting with a womens org. And then I'll get some stuff from the deli to eat. Cancelled one 9am appt.. Don't want to take anything else on for now

Were figuring out how we're going to tell everyone else. What details to add and what details to leave unsaid. I would like to lay the story down with someone. J says I have a visual mind, full of imagery.while his head is full of thought, no imagery

I kidded myself to believe that loving them is and was enough. That they have so much love, why would they want to leave us? Leave us, desperately. All the while he felt the ache I now feel. He felt it so bad he couldn't stay

Every so often, I catch myself deep in thought. When J dropped me home I just stood for a while in my living space. The lights were on, I knew I needed to move but couldn't easily. Yeh, how does this work out? And why does it keep happening to loved ones??

Feeling sick on and off today. Crying but work was a good distraction. work meeting was positive. Had to see J when I came back from London. Looking for, needing comfort. And then I told him about D. I had to tell him.

A rewind dream kept playing on repeat. Reality is, nobody can rewind a death. Up early, hair washed and currently under the dryer. Work meeting today. My bag is packed too. Try and make it thru the day and get home.

Maybe the sickness is the shock of it all. Spent most of the afternoon and evening talking or just processing. Now this nausea. and the ache

There were signs, but D told a loved one they were over reacting. Looking back now, I know there were plans all the while. Even when they seemed to be doing well. So we didnt know to keep an eye on them. Nothing said, yet everything was said.

I feel sick. Not even a year has gone by to be again hearing the news of yet another friend lost to suicide. Hasn't fully sunk in yet but it already feels brutal 💔