“Can we do this today?” -my niece after seeing this page of a cookbook

Tfw the red gooner gang just brought the rizzler to edge me

I keep getting this ad and it’s going to be in my brain forever.

“Ooh I’m sorry we don’t have Coke. Is Diet Brad’s Drink okay?”

My favorite thing about Pepsi is that its original name was “Brad’s Drink.”

Fun fact: I emailed Scott Adams in 2011 after he said women should be treated like children and the mentally disabled and got this response. Bye, bitch!

One time I was in an art section of Eastern Market on a really windy day and a giant ocean-scene painting started to fall and someone panicked and couldn't figure out what to do so they just screamed, "SHARK!!!!"

This comment is gonna stick with me.

“You want a British... bake...” “Yes. A bake... off.

Hiiii it’s been a minute but look at this guy:

Me at work when I see a trans patient got an updated photo ID:

1908-posting.

Huh.

Just remembered the time our family friend who’s an ophthalmologist solved a medical mystery and when interviewed said, “And if you shine a bright light, any self-respecting baby will close their eyes.”

They make all these promises about prenatal vitamins and pregnancy helping your hair and nails but my nails still break and I just got a single long chin hair and peach fuzz all over my belly.

In high school, I realized I must really be depressed bc I started sobbing while watching Happy Gilmore.

@rifftrax.com is so good

Re: Dick Cheney

@dankmccoy.bsky.social This is totally random but I’m relistening to the FH mini of the story you wrote as a kid and I wonder if you heard the word “honky” in Steve Martin’s “King Tut”? I listened to that a ton as a kid for whatever reason.

To make this easier, I've compiled all the performers into an image:

Jimmy Fallon wants to be a singer so bad and he won’t just sing, he has to make it everyone else’s problem too.

Hm

Here’s my penguin standup joke: Humans are so strange! Why would you eat a fishstick when you can just STICK a FISH in your mouth whole?!

@justinmcelroy.bsky.social Relistening to a @flophousepodcast.com with you and I can’t believe you predicted it.

🎶 I wanna live a life like that I wanna be just like a king Take my picture by the pool I endorsed Andrew Yang 🎶

🎶 IN A CLAM BAKE CHEVY NOVA IN DISGUISE 🎶

🎶 SLOWLY WALKING DOWN THE HALL / FASTER THAN A WONDERWALL 🎶

It just reminded me of the time I was babysitting my little niece and she looked through a cookbook, found this page and asked me, “Can we do this today?”

Biggest takeaway from this is that a huge swathe of the American population refuses to believe that historical events can be driven by random losers with impulse control problems. www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC8t...

Useful quotes: www.hindustantimes.com/world-news/u...

“Mistah Kirk - he dead"

Quick question: What was Céline Dion doing?

Mitch Hedberg anteater: Termites are great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I'm not sharing the face of the child being interviewed after today's school shooting. I am going to point that showing his face is highly unethical even if parental permission was obtained, because we know from prior mass shooting events that survivors and their families are harassed by deniers.

There can’t be any gun restrictions because we have to protect against federal government tyranny, and if kids get shot we just have to live with it. Also the President can send troops to cities because the federal government can do whatever it wants. These two ideas are consistent and reasonable.

Absolutely not.

I officially look pregnanttt

I promise you: I can laugh at Newsom’s posts without thinking that he’s a good (or even okay) politician (or human).

I’m taking my penguins everywhere… 🐧💛 And now, you can too! This cute totebag is from my Dashery shop and it fits EVERYTHING. thepenguinsfamily.dashery.com Go grab yours! 👜✨ #penguins #birds #penguinlovers #penguinbag #penguintotebag #cute #shop #penguinshop #ThePenguinsFamily #JulianaMotzko

🎶 “What a beautiful wedding, What a beautiful wedding,” says a bridesmaid to a waiter "And, yes, but what a shame, What a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore" I chime in with a “Hasn’t this waiter ever heard of doing his goddamn job?" 🎶

It’s not funny Ken, they had to rush the officer to the mayo clinic

For gods sake there is no fucking conspiracy to keep cancer uncured. There is way more money for them in a cure. People aren’t going to stop getting cancer just because it’s curable.

Can’t stop thinking about the time my high school had an assembly to show us the music video for “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne.