BREAKING: I have become the first person in recorded history to finish refueling my car and remove the nozzle without spilling a single drop. Please clap.

Logged into a Gmail account I hadn't used in nearly a decade. Decided on a whim to check out my YouTube history from that account and found this video. Holy smokes this scathes. www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqrC...

Why did 20% of people with no religion say yes I guess the 18% of "Other religion" saying yes could be Muslims thinking he'll return as a prophet and Hindus/Buddhists thinking about a future reincarnation, but people who think there's no god and also think Jesus will return: ?????

Tournament idea: worst alumni from Big 10 schools Michigan nominees -Ted Kaczynski -Dave Portnoy Ohio State nominees -Jeffrey Dahmer -Jim Jordan Penn State nominees -Jerry Sandusky -Rick Santorum

The Braves never missed the playoffs when Biden was president.

Re-discovered this in my gallery while looking for an old photo:

I literally just said "Oh my fucking GOD Margot Robbie looks good" out loud

The only "prayer" I want to see: "Please pray that Charlie Kirk's children, who are not their father, grow up to be the type of loving, honest, compassionate person their father was not, & that they rectify his sins, rehumanize the people he dehumanized, & heal the divide he spent his life driving"

🚨🚨HERE IT IS: We got Trump’s birthday note to Jeffrey Epstein that the President said doesn’t exist. Trump talks about a “wonderful secret” the two of them shared. What is he hiding? Release the files!

Bublik should be required to personally refund every fan who bought a ticket to see this match.

ASHLEIGH: we’re going to the ralleigh ANDRE: is it todae THOM: no it’s thomorrow STEPHEN: at sephen o’clock MICHAEL: how much were the tichaets PHOEBE: they were phroe MARGOT: oh man i wish i could got GEOFF: me too i’m geolous

If he's really dead already I'll finally post a pic of myself

Feel like a STROOPWAFEL ICE CREAM SANDWICH must possess an illegal quantity of sugar.

@joey-incog.bsky.social A second comment has hit

Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up https://theonion.com/guy-in-philosophy-class-needs-to-shut-the-fuck-up-1819568055/

My point is you grossly mischaracterized the actual campaign out of willful ignorance. Also, I disagree with Burneko's "insanely untrue" assessment. The 2016 & 2020 nominees did at least pay lip service to shifting left in the general. Not as much in 2024, but it wasn't a sprint to the right either.

@dunnah.bsky.social it happened

This is so bleak. The species is beyond cooked. www.reuters.com/investigates...

Total Dipshit Fans Think Pop-Up Fly Ball Going To Be Home Run

Wild case of ChatGPT almost killing a guy by telling him to substitute sodium bromine for table salt (sodium chloride) #medsky www.acpjournals.org/doi/10.7326/...

why is this targeted at me @joey-incog.bsky.social

Whew, this ad announcer does NOT want to hear the noise I would make for this year's Atlanta Braves.

It’s about time someone stopped an Israeli bomb

Think I understand what this artist was going for, but why did the straw have to penetrate specifically to the person's ass? Let them eat cake, indeed.

I don't think it's a coincidence that Facebook just showed me a Canadian immigration ad

it's unfortunate but New York has a critical bloc of voters named Vito Douchebaglione who last voted Dem in a general election for Bill Clinton and also vote in every single Democratic primary they're eligible for

@joey-incog.bsky.social Mets sucks

How many times is HP going to run this fuckass ad. Stop encouraging faux-intellectual sloth, you insufferable tech assholes.

So, uh, is that guy who killed his daughters still on the loose? I appreciate catching the Minnesota assassin within 48 hours, but it feels like there are entirely way too many nationwide manhunts right now.

I appreciate the irony (or clever business strategy) of having a dental care office right next to a Brusters

It's really funny that at one point culture had to pretend that glasses don't make people look hotter. Hey foureyes you have an angel's face your heavenly gaze framed by glass as if it were art

...I'm deeply embarrassed to admit I didn't know this until today. Holy SHIT it's a good thing my parents didn't listen to me when I asked to look after my baby sister.

Acuña is so cool. Somehow it's simultaneously stunning and totally expected that he would do that.

Every man has a shirt that has absolutely no emotional attachment or memory associated with it other than them having had it for a long time. This shirt is very important to the man. He grieves when he must leave it behind.

Florida Democrats are trying to claw their way back by putting up this ad in Little Havana, which, hmm...

BREAKING: I have officially been to Buc-ee's. I truly feel like I've undergone a rite of passage and am a different person for it.

Just felt like showing off my huge cock:

Just saw a squirrel with hindquarters that made me think, verbatim, "Damn, that squirrel is cheeked up." Even the rodents in Miami have BBLs smh

[Bryan Adams voice] It was the summer of

Whatever felony you think Rafael Furcal's being charged with, I guarantee you're wrong.

Sorry, am I supposed to just go about my week knowing Kat Abu is dating the guy who bought The Onion???

just a reminder that Luigi was a centrist Elon musk fanboy who didn’t even have United healthcare

I keep thinking “WOKE MARXIST POPE” to the tune of Pink Pony Club

*Damn*, this guy was sputtering mad at me 💀

Steak & Shake is the worst burger joint I've ever visited. Raze them all and replace them with halal restaurants, then add those taco trucks on every corner we should've gotten.

In remembrance of Polygon (PBUH), here's to the boldest of takes. A take hotter than hell, stronger than steel, and braver than the troops. (Also, a correct take.) www.polygon.com/2020/8/20/21...

So Aaron Judge is kind of Batshit Fucking Insane [laudatory] this season, huh