“Calling myself ‘gay’ is only going to offend and alienate real gay men, it’s going to make them angry at me and make them laugh at me, and I can’t go making other gay men mad at me, so I can’t be gay. But I am.” OOOOOOOOOF this really hits

This is my pal Tim!!! He rules, bi people rule, happy Pride to all of us

Big fan of Shazams. Bird Shazam, Plane Shazam, Plant Shazam. I’m nosy!

Ya boy has skeeter syndrome and I just want to immerse myself in hydrocortisone and go back to bed

This is incredible.

I went to a 7 Brew because I wanted coffee and it was there. I’d never been, but it feels very Republican. Also the coffee isn’t very good.

STEP ON IT FRANCO YOU CAN ACCIDENTALLY A PODIUM

Anyway: everyone is blaming Slot for Salah and Robbo leaving Liverpool, but they were Diogo Jota’s closest friends. Maybe, just maybe, his death made playing there too painful

I wish I liked Indycar more

OH BOY

I love service workers and I try to be as aggressively low maintenance as possible but the restaurant my dad goes to for breakfast every Sunday is the worrrrsssstttttttt. Today we had to fetch our own silverware and ask multiple times for coffee.

Eat shit, Jordan Henderson

Love to my NASCAR bros. 41 is no damn age.

The scents have been updated

It’s May 19 and I have a sunburn and two spider bites

KOKO THE GORILLA: Koko birkin bag. Practical Koko possession bag RESEARCHER: No, Koko. You can’t have a Birkin bag. KOKO: Good Birkin good Koko give beautiful Koko deserve gorilla RESEARCHER: Koko, we simply can’t afford a Birkin bag. It is an unjustifiable expense. KOKO: jealousy professor

I am possibly the world’s worst dish washer. It just took me the entire new Sloan record (very good, incidentally) to wash three days’ worth of dishes and I broke my favorite ‘90s vintage X-Files mug in the process.

Can someone please reassure me that nothing is going to Get me if I go out on the very nice back deck alone at night

May he flop 🙏

Got my humors balanced. For free, even!

I wonder if I can rig up an independent study course that will let me write a paper on the change in fan attitudes toward Charles Leclerc over the past five years

One of my favorite things about this time of year — mascot reveals at graduation.

Has anyone ever freestyled over “Sex Dwarf”

And also happy popeiversary to my birthday pope

And a happy birthday to my birthday twin!!

wandering the Sonora desert in a carefree fashion like

No better day than when you get your JetPens order in the mail

Did, uh. Did any of you watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Currently losing my mind over Checo Pérez’s cover shoot for WWD, gamely serving a hot platter of nothing

One can only assume that the "major butt" they refer to as being aboard was Billy Zane's character.

bad news for me, the guy who uses the world's biggest condom

HR sucks but I would absolutely rather work for an employer with a robust HR unit than one without because the ones without get up to some REAL unpleasant shit unchecked

The triumphant return of Scent Update

I understand that no one wants to hear my opinions as a non-child-having queer, but if you use Life360, you’re a cop

It’s Earth Day!! Happy birthday to the GROUND

Btw, if my account gets suspended, I want you all to know why

This is a good and righteous thing for The Onion to do. Basically everyone here knows someone who was personally affected by Sandy Hook. It’s a small state.

HELL YES THIS FUCKING RULES

🧵🧵🧵

I believe Kit Kats are some of the only ensouled candy bars

Which Pokémon game for the Switch 1 am I going to have the most fun with

Happy ACTUAL anniversary of Here Comes The Pizza, 4/16/07 youtu.be/ufSQMXLO95w

Noa has found like 50 great stories from this Celtics season and this might be my favorite.

watching baseball @jonbois.bsky.social

“You need a hobby that isn’t media consumption” no, I think appreciating art is worthwhile and good, actually, and the world does not need my shitty fiber crafts or whatever you’d have me do instead

Is there a good reason I shouldn’t buy and plant a shit ton of peonies

Anyway, I bought this secondhand and it DOES bring me joy (esp after looking for one for about six months)

At work, you must adopt the baseball mindset that 78 losses a year is still probably getting you into the playoffs https://t.co/mxJDCHpZiM