I would bet on Wrestlemania before I bet on the NBA

I'm tired of living in a home without wood paneling.

Somewhere in an alternate universe, I'm in my yard with my kids and I'm raking leaves. The sun's shining. I watch the kids run and play and the little one jumps in the pile of leaves. "GODDAMMIT I JUST RAKED THOSE. GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE," I bellow. I start to cry. This is the third time today.

I don't think it gets said enough, but flavors are great. I love flavors.

"It's the MLB playoffs – expect the unexpected." - Jon Bois

No one will ever believe me, but I swear to God I just drove by a twerking Squidward.

1. Sailor Saturn 2. Sailor Mercury 3. Sailor Neptune 4. Sailor Moon 5. Sailor Mars 6. Sailor Pluto 7. Sailor Jupiter 8. Sailor Uranus 9. Sailor Venus

Was just thinking about how I could use a bucket for a couple things around the house, so maybe I should buy some ice cream. That my brain didn't go straight to "bucket" makes me think I should probably lay off the sweets.

I used to be somebody. I was an international icon!

Just found out that there are people out there who have favorite Ninja Turtles besides Michaelangelo. Nothing in this world makes sense anymore.

We need to find a way to divert troubled young men into cinephilia. No one who has logged 300+ films on letterboxd has ever assassinated anybody.

Oh shoot, I forgot to say I saw a crow with an entire saltine cracker yesterday. That was pretty neat.

The plural of "masseuse" can't be "masseuses", can it? Masseuses. Masseuses. That's too weird of a word. I refuse to look this up.

Hint: today's Wordle is not "felch".

We're all getting older

I thought I was following behind a bus that smelled like pizza but it turned out it was just the bread sticks on my passenger seat. Does that ever happen to you?

Rewatching Toys (1992), a movie I haven't seen since I was a kid. I remember being confused but overall liking it back then, but this is not a good movie, like, at all. Joan Cusack is still a helluva delight though, as usual.

Wikipedia is art

I always feel a little closer to god when I'm on Highway 10.

As a bartender, my favorite part of my job is denying someone service.

For not being a big Hulk Hogan fan, I sure do have a lot of his stuff.

You guys heard this "Crazy Train" song?

I need to socialize but the trouble is that I don't really have anyone in this town to socialize with and driving to Minneapolis is getting old. I know what I gotta do.

All I want is someone to sit on the porch with and drink lemonade and talk about the episode of Golden Girls we just watched and then maybe go back inside and watch more Golden Girls. That's all.

@JeffPassan tweeted Jhoan Duran has not been traded. He was just hugging his bullpen catcher because that's what friends do sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I should want to own a boat, but I really don't care if I ever do.

They really outghta make a cologne that smells like chlorine. I'd wear that.

It's a weird feeling today, brother.

*** CANNON STREAMING GUIDE, JULY '25 *** There's no better time to beat the summer heat, because Tubi currently has nearly 90 (!) Golan-Globus era Cannon films to stream, for free, in the U.S. This is by far the most I've seen available at once in all the years I've been compiling these lists.

Toni Storm is my favorite wrestler in the world right now. Everything she does is tremendous. Just a helluva entertainer.

"I tried to talk you out of your first marriage and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you to tell you the same about your second" is just a helluva sentence to say to someone at their military retirement party.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think the best physical feeling one can experience is taking a nap after a pool party in a hotel room with the a/c blasting. Preferably after some pizza.

Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns.

Happy July 3rd! It’s party time! 💀🪦🤸🏾‍♀️🚑

I wanna start an art project where I take every project you may remember Troy McClure from and make posters for those things in MS Paint.

dogs staring at things

Is there anything cucumbers can't do?

Happy 50th anniversary to the movie Jaws. This is probably the greatest line in cinema history:

They were like, "who knows more about fatherhood and apes? Who can we get?" So they came to me.

I buy Miracle Whip so rarely that every time I do, it has new packaging.

They Live is a documentary, maaaaan.

i'm not saying it's the best song ever written or whatever but "let your love flow" by the bellamy brothers is basically a perfect song

Asked my mom, who grew up with Ray Holmberg, what she thought of him when they were kids, and she hit me with an honest-to-God "he was just funny lookin'". Yes, my mom is Minnesotan to the core.

Making my summer playlist. What do I need to hear this year?