im still hot and powerful fyi

sorry if you got a loser ass dm from me i just love sending weirdo spam links obviously

happy “give $40 to women” thursday everyone

inside of you there are two wolves and they are just constantly, constantly fucking and sucking each other

The more we talk about it the worse it gets.

making myself sick using only the power of the internet

have you considered the benefits

no loads refused laundromat

“i saw the hat man” “i owe the hat man money” “oh no the hat man is gonna get me” i am taking the hat man back to court to modify his child support obligation he cannot keep pretending he doesn’t have a job just to avoid payments

that’s me

hello friends i hope you’re all having a great time. if we’re not friends i hope you’re having a bad time. thank’s

taylor swift girl kisser

oh package tracking, you’re my only friend

i love being cool and sexy and alive

getting weirder on purpose

the soft animal of my body is drinking iced tea on the front porch

me

You reach a point where a friend dies and you say: sixty-one! that so young. When you are in your twenties and struggling that point is hard to visualize - you feel like forty more years will be too much. May all who struggle today live in the hope of knowing that sixty-one is so young, so young.

RIP Steve Albini, very few people are that good at both posting and something useful

it's v weird to follow me here if you don't know me from there 🥰 especially if it's just bc of who I'm mutuals with 🥰

if i don't kiss someone soon im going to perish

shes such a lyricist 😻

becoming obsessed with a new fragrance

v few people understand that my exclamation point usage is not a bit, when i send you six messages in a row that end in "!!!!" it's because i am "!!!!" excited about what I'm saying

Them: what would you like to drink? Me:

mr smee can get it

me

every single one of my posts is engagement bait for a very specific audience (my pals)

my birthday is gonna be so cool this year

what if sharks had legs

oh so you took your spouse's name after y'all got married? yeah sounds like some fae shit to me

i have a lot of really insane thoughts about the new taylor swift are those words safe to say on here I don't care

i have seen your souls (i remain unimpressed)

none of you can be trusted to be normal about the blonde woman's music anymore

the soft animal of my body wants an enormous cherry limeade

magic is real and i can prove it

me

sometimes you go through a long period of intense stress and the smell of your own skin changes, you are a stranger even to yourself

y'all stop placing limits on yourselves, you can study dick and balls AND the blade!!!! what, like it's hard?

dog wizard does this to every drink ever and cries if you dont let her

age gap discourse, height difference discourse, when are we gonna talk about couples who don't even erotic mindmeld. gotta be something wrong there!!

pussy so astoundingly shocking that every time it's described several people faint, call that the rearranged guts effect

listening to viva terlingua on repeat again don't text

me

being off the other site is so easy when there's thousands of accounts screenshotting and reposting all my friends tweets on instagram

"i think you guys might be thinking about yourselves too much" knuckle tats

roombas love to be encouraged and patted on the head

are any feet guys on here yet