Strange how you don’t hear all those squeaky wheels complaining about the price of gas. But the… checks notes… eggs were an issue.

It’s really annoying that you’ve got to cut your toenails every ten or twelve months…

When a snarky college girl gets dragged to a deadly medieval world of monsters and magic, survival means more than just learning to swing a sword. She just wants to go back to Earth but keeps accidentally becoming a legend.

why toss and turn all night worrying about nothing when you can toss and turn all night worrying about taxes?

Dammit. Shot my eye out.

“Squirrel!”

Umm, so this tape don’t even taste like scotch.

2025 has been the longest five years of my life. Happy Festivus though!

Just for fun, wear a red polo to Target tomorrow and when anyone asks you a question tell them to fuck off. Or, point them toward the bathroom. Your call.

So I made a deal with my daughter. Cost me $40. When I die, she has to wait a month, then text everyone on my contact list… “Damn it’s hot down here.”

Pro Tip: wear your Apple Watch when rubbing one out. Tracks like you did a 30-minute sprint. You’re welcome

Just now getting around to giving away all my late wife’s things. It hasn’t been easy to— Damn she just texted she’s finally on her way home. Oops.

It’s only 6pm?! Geez. Feels like it’s later…

Trick or Treat was last night but we had another kid show up tonight! He was dressed like an Amazon driver! He had a package for me and even had a van! Great costume! I might be drunk.

The problem with owning a sword is that you want to be able to use the sword. HR: You can't bring a sword to work But... what about Brenda? She keeps calling Thursday "Pre-Friday!"

I put my pants on the same way as everyone else. Only when I have to

Thinking of joining ice. But never ever actually doing anything. Seems to work for congress

I loaded the dishwasher correctly l, thus preventing an epic fight. Where’s my Peace Prize?

It's a sunny warm day, fluffy clouds in the sky. Great day for a walk. ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘈𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘢. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.

Your attention please: This year, Fall in Ohio will finally happen on Oct 29th and last from 3-7:30pm. Winter will begin on Halloween.

My daughter made fresh homemade brownies. And has vanilla ice cream. I can’t have any, but want some. Since you’ve read this, you want some too. But you don’t have any. Now I feel better.

Fall decorating and… done.

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What I find most attractive in a man is that he completely ignores me

It’s like my mom always said, what the fuck is wrong with you

My mom worked until she was 89 years old. She died a few years later. What I learned from this was that my mom worked way too much

"I read your book. I gave it 1-star because it wouldn't let me give you 0. It was meandering, pointless, themeless, and utterly juvenile." Me:

No one will ever scam money from me. Not because I’m smart—I just never have money

On the "Summer Reading List 2025": 8. Moby Duck, by AIman Melville. Ftom its enigmatic opening line, "Call me email", this gripping caper tracks the hunt for a giant yellow rubber duckie.

New pope just dropped

Sure, I'm a dumpster fire. But someone had to light this place up.

No longer the land of the free or the home of the brave… Goodnight america

I only subscribe to the Journal of Quantum Physics for the particles.

No. Just… no. “To what?” *gestures all around* This.

The fact that there’s no candy in this dentist’s waiting room got me all mad…

Good news! For those who love true crime, turn on the news

My advice? Cheat like a mother on your taxes this year… ain’t nobody gonna be there to check that shit.

I understand just enough Spanish to know that these guys at the carwash really like my outfit. Or my omelet.

“Do something!” Fuck you. I voted. Not calling my R reps. When you need a gun, I’ll be there. Otherwise shut the hell up. I’ve done enough

My Indian Princess name is Running Late.

God: Let's give them the ability to feel remorse. Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 - 4:00 AM?

don’t let people off easy by allowing them the use of acronyms they don’t understand make them say diversity, equity and inclusion make them say lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer make them actually say what they think they’re talking about

The Super Bowl halftime show was not for you. Well, it was, but…

Watching Kendrick during the super buttfuck halftime and a conservative woman sees the dancers lined up in red, white and blue jumpsuits. She says “They look like the flag.” This… is what we’re dealing with

The deep sadness is almost upon us. The dark age of quiet and doom. The time between football and baseball.

Horrifying if literal: blended family.

Woke to find my bookmark had fallen out so don't talk to ME about YOUR wild Friday nights!

Why are we dealing with all this shit? Someone came back from the island and brought that damn tiki idol with them!

I’m not very smart, but right now I wish I was even not smarter