what if it happens today?

After writing *post* instead of *skeet* --

When you have veggies w green chillies and the back of your hand starts burning

Student: What's postmodernism? Professor: Postmodernism is when post a tiktok of how modern your fit is and it slaps

One Fart After Another

[At the philosophy conference] "Can you elaborate on the idea of eternal flatulence as proposed by Fartrick Nietzsche?"

"Call me Ishmael. No texting, though."

[At the spoken word poetry event] Emcee: Anything close to your heart? Poet: T. S. Idiot

[At the academic conference] "Can you tell me about Emily Donginson?" Academic: Do you mean Emily Dickinson? "No. Donginson, who wrote, Hope is like a fart in the wind"

How many 100 Days of Summer does 100 Years of Solitude make?

Crush: Do you like Shakespeare? Me (trying to impress): I read A Midsummer Night's Fart every night

King Leer

Merchant of Penis

Midsummer Night's Fart

Ludwig Fappenstein: A work of philosophy can be written comprising entirely of farts.

the other day my nephew asked me “do you want to hear what happened to my dad” and I was like “😳😬😰😓” because I KNOW what happened to his dad and it’s BAD, but I said yes tell me what happened to your dad and he said “one time he was walking the dog and a bat flew over his head”

[At the philosophy conference] "I have a question about Buttowski" Esteemed critic: I think you mean Bukowski. "No. I'm talking about Buttowski. The poet who taught Zizék to think"

Wrote about my publishing journey: open.substack.com/pub/twicelos...

When I’m in therapy I talk like Notes from Underground and when I’m not in therapy I talk like Spiderman

Only the Twilight kind.

Pro tip: Bully them into oblivion.

i accidentéd this 2 big #critterposting

"Give me the bookmark or it burns the book".

[At the zoo] "Elephants have beaks so technically they should be with the birds" Zookeeper: We will think about it

save an animal; hunt a ceo

Steven Iceberg

White People Peak Humor™

Matt Damoan

Tolstoy trying to write the sequel to War and Peace:

Who said we want equality and not revenge? Lemme make it v clear that I'm here for revenge. Cold-blooded revenge with added compound interest.

Everyone knows the speaker in the poem and the poet herself can be different , especially when the poem is about that one time when the poet persona is wondering whether they will make it home in time after having an extra spicy chicken roll at the local dhaba

[At the bookstore] "Do you have Fapper in the Rye?" Owner: I'm sure you mean Catcher in the Rye. "No. I want the one by the great writer JD Fappinger".

[At the bookstore] "Do you have Moby's Butt"? Owner: Do you mean Moby Dick? "No. I want the one by the great writer Herman Buttville".

Every SM platform can be Facebook if you are boomer enough.

[At the bookstore] "Do you have anything by Farts Darwin?" Owner: I think you mean Charles Darwin. "No. I want the one who wrote Origin of Farts".

Once upon a time, there was Facebook. It is still there, actually, like an old gnarly wound, and gives out strange toxic fumes if you poke at it

Same.

What being in your 30s looks like:

[At the spoken poetry event] Moderator: Do you have anything to add? Me: John Teats Moderator: We should never have invited you.

[At a library] "Do you have anything by Jizzgerald?" Librarian: Do you mean Fitzgerald? "No. I want Jizzgerald, the one who wrote about the Jizz Age"

Did you watch the prequel to Scarface? It's called Acneface. *send skeet*

Happy to report Bsky has successfully reignited the revolutionary streak in me. Now going to paint Substack's liberalism into Bsky's anarchism

where's a place i can work (pref remote) that i won't hate?

I'm not an expert on American politics but if people believe what Obama is saying here, can we not expect him to be more vocal about Trump's policies? Who does he owe his allegiance to, if not the people? Or does being "cool" in interviews is where he draws the line about being responsible? Yuck.