How I feel every time I hear "51st state" brought up. America is not ready... 🇨🇦🇺🇸 Watch the full special here: youtu.be/rZSd9NW1tBQ?...

Sure flying can be stressful, but thankfully all the other passengers are helping by filling a bathtub with the cheapest perfume & cologne they can find and splashing around in it before coming to the airport. It stings the nostrils and burns the eyes which is good for flying.

They really screwed up making "The Minature Wife" a full show and not a mini series because they could have called it the "miniest series"

Blazers win, which has to upset their new owner on account of it locks in one extra flight and two days of per diem

girl are you the strait of hormuz because idk if you’re open for business or nah

Girl are you the Strait of Hormuz because I have no idea what to do about you

Ad exec: We were thinking about getting a celebrity spokesperson for this commercial. *Will Arnett and Jon Hamm smashing through opposite walls like the Kool-Aid man simultaneously* Will/Jon: I'll do it!

whenever I see the tip defaulted to 30% on one of those nifty machines it feels like friendly fire in the class war

Have fans of The Pitt ever seen any other TV show before? Reactions and think pieces are like "Good doctors can't be mean" or "smart person did a dumb thing. This show makes no sense" and "she did surgery, but also owns a hat, time to admit The Pitt is problematic" ... Are y'all okay?

Me: I'd like to search for a hotel. Hotel websites: Sure. Like, a hotel hotel or a Hotel? Me: What? Hotel Websites: We recommend "dave's house" it's a hotel that is a couch rented through a partner site. Me: No, a HOTEL Hotel Websites: Got it. This is "Chez Dan's bedroom". It's a 'hOtEl"

If as a fan you leave a playoff game early you should be banned from that arena for at least 3 seasons. #NBAsky

After billions of dollars of resources we've finally invented... A slower moped you can't even ride.

Every time I feel a pain in my knees during a workout I hear the Sirens song of pickleball calling my name on the wind. 🎵 Andreeeew, you're over 40... come join us🎵

I strongly suggest showing this to people whose ask chatbots for facts.

Salute to an all-time tweet

Me whenever I make a life decision

The Laker girls out here looking like the X-men

Doug is running out of beer related distractions to cover his corruption. Somewhere in a board room right now his team has a whiteboard that just says "Can we make it rain beer?"

This shit is some of the worst hand soap on the market but for some reason if has a total stranglehold on every white person with no personality.

MONCTON, New Brunswick comedy show 🔥 👇 I'll be there this Wednesday for a one night only show with some incredibly funny guests. Get your tickets Ivimeymoncton.eventbrite.ca

A VCR never sold my private info to a nazi

been meaning to make this for a while and I think we can all agree did a pretty good job

Technology has gotten so bad I'm started seriously considering installing Linux. That's how bleak things are out here in the streets.

Font drop down menus that don't give a little preview of what the font looks like, what's even the point of you then? I don't raw dog know what "Callisto medium BT Condensed Light" looks like. I'm not a sicko.

I had to re-upload this video and edit out the work "cuck" because apparently YouTube blocks the use of the word cuck. Even in comedically ridiculous situations. So that's a fun thing I've learned. Anyway, here's a clip of my standup again. Please like it so the algorithm forgives me.

“Boss our shoe company is about to go bust what do we do??” “Tell em we’re making it an AI company” “But boss we make shoes” “DO IT” www.cnbc.com/2026/04/15/a...

I know that a lot of products are overpriced, or a scam, and the stakes here are small. But I just don't understand the popularity of the Scrub Daddy. It's a 5 cent sponge with a face cut into it selling for $5. I can do that with any sponge and a knife. Am I missing something?

Do I understand this conflict correctly?

If you don't feel motivated to floss your teeth just eat more popcorn. You'll find yourself seeking out the floss.

be sure to check out @ivimey.bsky.social's new stand-up special streaming for free on YouTube or on the audio apps where fine comedy is sold. www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZSd...

Always fun any time I get to join Sean and talk Raptors. This podcast has been a weird way for me to find out that I'm considered an optimist. 🤣 RAPS IN 6!

New Mexico's AG spent ONE DAY pretending to be a 13-year-old girl on Instagram, and immediately started making arrests. Ian, @nileseguin.bsky.social, and special guests Kyah Green (The Fandom Show) and @ivimey.bsky.social have some further suggestions for social media law enforcement.

What a very specific place for Chris Pratt's career to have gone. New episode of Talk From Superheroes out now wherever you get your podcasts. www.talkfromsuperheroes.com

been watching bluerays and DVDs, listening to CDs, writing in notebooks and using a paperback thesaurus—I can feel the algorithm losing track of me

I am fine with commercials playing before the lights go down at the movies. I have GIVEN UP that fight. But when you watch two trailers and then there’s a commercial for KFC? I reject everything about it. It is not a time for commercials, it is a time for commercials about movies, which are sacred.

Solid Cat

You can either have abs or a mortgage. It's impossible to balance both.

Real "I'm boycotting the Red Lobster I'm banned from" energy

This was a wonderful read. Just a terrific piece of writing. "They’re competitive, but they’re also considerate and empathetic, and their self-awareness allows them to maintain a presence without taking up all the oxygen in a room."

My full length comedy special LET'S GO! was released today. Available to stream right now on the Comedy Bar Max Youtube channel. Give it a watch, give it a like, give it a share. I worked really hard on it and would love it if you laughed, chuckled, or guffaw in any way. youtu.be/rZSd9NW1tBQ?...

I'm performing in MONCTON, HALIFAX, & CHARLOTTETOWN April 22-25. Love a little east coast run. Get tickets at www.andrewivimey.com

Canadian astronaut Jeremy Hansen brought a bit of home with him on the Artemis II mission. Ian, @nileseguin.bsky.social and special guests Kyah Green and @ivimey.bsky.social confirm it's exactly what we feared most.

They spent a decade complaining about safe spaces and then made a robot to give you compliments and tell you your mp3 of farting noises is Brian Eno

Backpack manufacturers, you can't have a laptop slot AND an emergency whistle. Is this going to the office or the mountaintop? Pick a lane.

I tried hard to get tickets for Toronto Tempo opening night. Fan club, pre-sale, waitlist, public sale. All sold out in on Ticketmaster in seconds. Luckily Ticketmaster owns a resale site that happens to have all those same tickets available for $600 instantly. It's so fun being a fan in 2026 🫠

We need to ban umbrellas. People don't know how to hold them in a crowd without hitting others so we don't deserve them. We get wet until we learn courtesy.

If, in the distant future, Aliens find records of our internet amongst the wreckage, Lorem Ipsum is probably gonna really fuck up their attempts at translating our language.

Getting put into a cryopod on the USCSS Nostromo and being awake for eight straight months because of the blinking LEDs in an otherwise dark room