Breaking: 300 Chilliwack liberals test positive for H1N1 bird flu.

Costco customers are reporting that the food counter hot dogs are best eaten culled.

A University of the Fraser Valley study has proven the Shroud of Sardis has an authentic image of Adam Vedder.

Conservative MP thinking of crossing floor wakes up with severed head of a John A. Macdonald statue in his bed

Some parents say the new M&M Singles are a great Halloween treat, the children we asked aren’t so sure. More later.

Chilliwack aims to reduce endangered bird deaths by enforcing rules on foul hooking.

Dodgeball or Baseball? We will let the players decide. #bluejays #worldseries #targetpractice

We’d like to congratulate the formerly Prince Andrew on his new appointment as the Prince of Fails.

I have a very bad feeling about this...

Hofstedes Country Barn, Chilliwack Mayors office have come to an agreement to turn the produce aisle into a ballroom.

Chowder.

Fraser Valley Meats says this is the last year they will sell Gobblers brand Beyond Turkey frozen turkey breasts. Customer feedback was that most consumers do not like the offal taste.

According to RFK, banning circumcision could have prevented a lot of parody news accounts.

Dukes of Hazard brothers arrested trying to jump the border into Canada.

U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat https://theonion.com/u-s-military-carries-out-strike-on-scuffy-the-tugboat/

Trump retweeted earlier today that he will end the war in Portland in one day if reelected.

Scans have further revealed traces of toxic Releasium-3 and Epsteinium isotopes.

Mars perseverance has discovered primordial ooze under a small orange Martian rock; analysis shows traces of DNA linked to the lowest forms of life known on earth.

A Chilliwack councillor is under fire after suggesting discarded needles be recycled into reflective material to use in lane marking paint.

Allen Key inflation. A term first coined by famous Swedish economist Erik Lindahl. 🤣

We have done our own research and found proof on the internet that we never have sailing waits.

Facebook has updated its community guidelines to add “You're Entitled to Your Wrong Opinion" after an online between two prominent Chilliwack women became heated.

Should Canada adopt an official third language? We asked the premier of Alberta to find out if this would make the residents of Alberta happy.

BC’s plan to curb growing rat populations by creating human-owl hybrids faces significant challenges, says Chilliwack Mayor Ken Popove.

Our reader poll indicates that if anyone should have won Big Brother, it should have been the insult slinging Zingbot.

Opinion: Like a political agent orange, Donald Trump is defoliating the tree of geopolitical life with blissful abandon.

Our food editor recently reviewed BC Ferrys offering of clam chowder: Verdict: Not a meal; it's a gastro-gym session. Bring a fork, maybe an electric meat slicer, and a set of false teeth. Rating: 2/5 (One star for the strong clams, one for finding a potato)

Prest road upgrades to have a more “natural vibe” complete with rodent crossings to embrace Chilliwack’s appeal of it’s beautiful natural surroundings.

Chilliwack’s thriving rat population has prompted the city to release a new BOYD bin for collection day. Residents are encouraged to only use their bring out your dead bins on Tuesday and Thursday mornings prior to 5am.

Our “Fasten Seat Belts” signs have been repaired and are back in service.

Ground Control to Major Musk Take your flaccid pills and put your helmet on Ground Control to Major Musk (grades ten, nine, eight, seven) Commencing countdown, Epstein gone(five, four, three, two) Check ignition and may Don’s love be with you (one, lift off)

and I think it's gonna be a long, long time (Ooh) 'til touchdown brings me 'round here to find (Ooh) I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh, no, no, no (ah) I'm a rocket man Rocket man was hanging' out his fuse with Epstein ya know

Breaking: Ostriches cull themselves after hearing about proposed visit from RFK.

Creators of Sesame Street oppose government plan to cull symptomless Big Bird after Sam The Eagle was found deceased on set.

Ostriches declare Bird Flu ‘Fake News’, plan migration to Ottawa to protest against avian hate speech.

The other day, our editor ran into Senator Kennedy at the local pool. They enjoyed a fine game of both Marco Polio and Guess That Scab.

Please note consuming Advil while pregnant will not give your child the ability to draw nor will they become artistic in any other way.

Bless whoever turned off the escalator on Trump at the UN! 😂

The White House has instructed the Christian Television Network to cancel tomorrow’s rapture or face tremendous consequences and 10% tarrifs on tithing.

That’s just what Big Parody News wants you to think.

Chilliwack SD 33 trustees were left in awe as Barry Neufeld was raptured to the heavens before their eyes during a recent meeting.

The Chilliwack School Board would like to remind motorists that despite the rapture occurring tomorrow you still are required to stop for school busses.

Trump threatens Netanyahu with a complete ban on olives on pizza and additional tariffs on movies starting Gal Gadot if Gaza situation doesn’t have tremendous improvement within 21 and one third hours.

I mark my territory with scattered pill bottles.

Parody News does not cause autism.

With all this rapture talk it would be wise to check in with @bcferrys.bsky.social for any possible delays over the River Styx.

If you’re still reading our terrible news tickets - sorry, you did not pass the rapture quality check and you are now a permanent subscriber. #rapture

Our parody is similar to tape ordered from wish.com, it generally does not stick.

We’re banning users from commenting with “That’s not funny” and “boo, go away” as that’s against free speech and is considered hate speech.