(covering the smoke alarms in my apartment with shower caps again) i am a trained food service professional and i am incapable of catching my apartment on fire by smoking wood chips in my oven

Do NOT buy the Frank's Red Hot pickles. They taste EXACTLY AS YOU WOULD EXPECT! AND I SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER

oh wow! thanks for telling me. that sounds really bad actually

HBOMax has started showing a 'remastered' 4K Mad Men and they’ve messed things up so during Roger’s oyster vomit scene you can now see the crew men with the vomit hose on the right

The president has illegally declared war to stop fentanyl trafficking from a country that does not traffic that drug, claiming its leader is trafficking drugs himself, the day after pardoning a former leader of a country who is a convicted drug trafficker. Just to level set

one of my most vivid memories is of me and my best friend sitting on a trampoline the week before 9th grade. first we talked about how afraid we were, then we played a game of "don't crack the egg" where whoever was playing the egg would say "I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU CRACK ME!" as a confidence exercise

New Yorkers BLOCK ICE from leaving their parking garage ahead of a flopped mass raid attempt on Canal Street

today at work, i watched my boy kevin slowly and thoughtfully turn a can of pan spray towards his face and spray himself in the eye. the mental image will stick with me forever. he looked at it like a monkey trying to solve a puzzle. i asked him why he did that and he said "to see what would happen"

if you're not from missouri you may never have heard the nickname we have for our beautiful state capital, jeff city

I've developed a system to see who has the biggest crush on me at work by introducing a joke slogan where I go "Welcome to (restaurant name), I love you.", and seeing which men will start the slogan in my presence just to hear me tell them "I love you"

everything is relative. i'm considered very kind for a human, but were i a guinea pig harboring the same immortal soul, i would no doubt be considered the most evil of my kind

looked up at the giant shining ipad on the wall at the bar and saw this

special agent dale cooper would've shared some really lukewarm takes regarding unity and togetherness in the aftermath of the 2016 presidential election were he not tied up in matters much more cosmic

WE NEED TO SHUT DOWN SOME OF THESE MILK TEA PLACES❗ THEY JUST BE DOING WHATEVER❗ WHAT IS GOING ON❓ WHY IS MY BOBA AL DENTE ⁉️

(jay z voice) yess

Kavanaugh stop. Smashed the kid’s car windows and arrested him. He told them he was a U.S. citizen. The officer replied “I don’t care.” www.oregonlive.com/portland/202...

weird guy who's fallen in love with me asked me today if a lot of weird guys have fallen in love with me before

on black friday 2010 my parents returned home with nothing but a lizard they had bought , which wasn't even on sale

it's like, low-key sad how cruel the world is sometimes.... 😔

i am put under psychic assault each and every day from the various 40-year-old men i encounter

girl why am i yelling ♥️

IF YOU TRY TO BE AVOIDANT WITH ME, I WILL DRAG YOU DOWN TO MY LEVEL AND BEAT YOU WITH EMOTIONAL HONESTY AND SINCERITY UNTIL YOU CAN'T MOVE. IT MAY NOT CHANGE YOU OVERNIGHT, BUT IT WILL LEAVE A HANDPRINT ON YOUR HEART, FROM ME SLAPPING IT SO HARD

I AM NOT TYPE A OR TYPE B! I AM SOMETHING UNKNOWN TO MAN!!!! MY MBTI PERSONALITY TYPE IS IDGAF! I DO NOT HAVE AN ASTROLOGICAL CHART BECAUSE I SIMPLY APPEARED ONE DAY

nobody gives a shit when i explain the differences between cut-and-cover and deep-bore tunneling

worst flight i ever had was a red-eye from chicago to nyc where i put the suspiria soundtrack on before falling asleep, and woke up to insane turbulence and witches cackling. i did think i was gonna die but i just fell back asleep bc it wasn't like i could do anything about that

i don't really fw those dog dna tests. what are you trying to figure out? why do you need to know what percentage doberman that little mr. scruffy is? are you racist?

yeah man. they famously thought that was a movie about a normal guy back then

many of my depression adventures have been days i look back at most fondly, like when i took a bus to the zoo and looked at monkeys all day to feel something

the kind of people you meet that own a car in manhattan will make you go "really.... you of all people.... you do that...."

i've probably pet over 5,000 dogs in my whole life. hopefully i can make that a million one day

sometimes it pisses me off what my coworkers choose to say to me. just fully turned away from their work, making me look up from my work, asking "are you gonna miss pennies when they're gone?". bro we open in 10 minutes. this is a closing question

cats yearn for the empty bathtub.... it is a place of unmatched contemplation, as well as fun. one wonders where the cat did these things before the bathtub

shitfaced jamaal bowman saying this is so fuckin funny i feel so seen right now

im not the smartest person in any room but i am the most likely to acquire a disease from handling some kind of wild rodent

(sending an instagram reel of a weird cat to someone I haven't spoken to in three years) remember how we used to laugh

the idea of older men is great until they text you and you're like damn you really did graduate from college when i was 10

what happened last weekend can never happen again, hauntologically. but it will

COATES: “Trump’s saying, ‘Y’all, I’m just gonna kill people.’ And the Greatest Deliberative Body has nothing to say about it. Y’all are punk, y’all are cowards.”

TEMPERAMENT PEACEFUL

i've coerced two men into going to the animal shelter and adopting a cat this month. i actually told them both which one would be best for them, and they got them. that's just what i do. i change lives

imcrossfaded and I've been sitting aimlessly in the bathroom for 30 minutes

Unfortunately I don’t believe in using the word “zoomies,” but yes. Your dog is popping off.

my friendships with men in their late 20s are often a sort of mentorship, with my younger self being the mentor. i guide them towards owning things like insoles, compression socks, and sunscreen. i slowly introduce the idea of vitamins to them. i subliminally convince them to get a headboard