getting mad because people are calling vlad the impaler “vladimir.” vlad (the impaler) isn’t short for vladimir!

so at my job we have to repeatedly assure people that they will not get in trouble for pressing the emergency stop button when necessary and now Trump is undermining that trust

muting the word “matador”

CHOTINER: And you said you’ve had trouble sleeping. ME: I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything. CHOTINER: But you also said that you stare at the horrors, as you call them, online all day. Surely you’ve seen the studies that staring at your phone before bed… ME: Hold on just a second.

NORAD was going to do a rapture tracker but DOGE cut it

There's a black McLaren parked on Newbury Street right now with a LABUBU Massachusetts license plate.

I’m up to date on covid and flu but I’m about to go out and get another vaccine out of spite

Y’all will have to tell me what Kimmel says tomorrow night. I will not be watching. Not for boycott reasons, just because I don’t want to

the Gen Z goth receptionist is talking about the rapture. she is skeptical. the Mayans aren’t even involved

for example, BIG BOAT STUCK

I don’t think the rapture is going to happen tomorrow but there are a lot of things that could happen instead that would be very funny. I’m sure we can all use our imagination

lol this will be just like the john harvard statue (drunk people will pee on it)

Loitering at Kroger for reasons and I would like to share this card with all whom it may concern

I love us! Shoutout to #WSSU

if I had a time machine I would use it to explain this skeet and all relevant context to Benjamin Franklin

[looking at everything] this really speaks to how fucked up everything is

If I listen to any more podcasts I’m going to start thinking I have moderate to severe plaque psoriasis

Dr. Alanis Morissette 👩‍🎓

Every time I see Zuckerberg with those glasses on I imagine Han Solo knocking them off his face and growling “NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS”

C-A-T-S CATS CATS CATS

EYE WILL NEVER WEAR FACEBOOK GLASSES

oh man I am a Chuck Grassley tweet connoisseur and I had never seen this one before

One thing that has always bothered me about late night talk show host discourse (not just talking about Kimmel here) is when people focus too much on whether the host is funny or not. I think it takes tremendous talent and hard work to just *host* the show

Now would be a great time for a reverse “Let’s Go Brandon” to emerge

I just don’t think you get to have a deep sense of aggrievement if you are the President of the United States. Or a Supreme Court justice, for that matter

I suspect that tall people don’t know how much of a struggle it can be to reach into and down to the bottom of the clothes washer to get the socks out Like I am balancing on tippy toes here

just thinking about a previous boss who had a PhD in electrical engineering and thought a Catch-22 was something that catches things

brb adding “personality is not correct” to all my social media bios

Had never seen the interview with Salt from Salt 'n' Pepa where she says an aquarium told her that every time they play "Push It" the sharks start mating

I am bad at encouraging young women to go into industrial careers because the advice I want to give is always like “never volunteer to take notes for the group…unless it helps you avoid getting dirty and/or sweaty”

RIP robert redford i will miss your delicious salad dressings most of all,,

Zero (0) days since I accidentally gave a coworker an existential crisis

⏸️ Take a 40-second break with Ume, our 7-month-old Malayan tapir calf, as she enjoys a snack alongside her mom, Yuna. 💕 At 350 pounds, Ume still has lots of growing to do before she catches up to Yuna’s 774 pounds! These endangered herbivores are the largest of the tapir species. 📹: Keeper Katie

I would like both Tennessee and Georgia to lose

they should invent a new type of alt text for vague posts about ongoing sports events where you can long-click or something to see what sport the post is about and who is playing

They’re ok ☺️

I’m gonna watch Kpop Demon Hunters for totally normal reasons (to impress my friend’s seven year old daughter)

I have a whole folder of these and found this gem

proud to eat like an imperial concubine

texts I send to my boss: “Do you want me to join the meeting? I have a great withering stare.”

they still haven’t caught him, huh

I feel like I deserve a little treat. But I feel that way every day

Masterpiece post that gets infinitely better when you know that the big frog she was describing is Tetsucabra from Monster Hunter

this makes me laugh out loud every single time

this is 9/11 for world leaders who compare themselves to Johnny Bravo and go to the hospital a lot

September otter

it’s so they can wash their legs later

New linguistics meme dropped

Riding away from the takes