I hope some newspapers use a crop where you can easily read the sign.

All’s I’m gonna say is I think you’re gonna wanna watch Stephen Colbert tonight.

Not saying it would save everything but I feel like we could do a lot about the male loneliness epidemic by hosting a bunch of screenings of “Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World.”

Eric Adams can’t do a scavenger hunt because everyone knows “the first stop is always Istanbul.”

Holy shit, my humor book, “America, Let Me In,” is the #1 book on Immigration Policy on Amazon! That a joke book can do this is very cool and a little distressing! Keep me at #1 by ordering it for yourself or your aunt or your cousin who thought “mass deportation now” excluded big booty latinas.

Very happy to share this interview about my book, “America, Let Me In,” with Julieta Martinelli on LatinoUSA on NPR. www.latinousa.org/2025/08/10/c...

Jeremy is wise! Be like Jeremy!

Hector Bellerin isn’t the best player Arsenal have had in the Emirates era, but he is the coolest www.theguardian.com/books/2025/j...

Whoever came up with the word "hitherto" needed to take a fucking chill pill.

Simply the best job I’ve ever had. I love @colbertlateshow.bsky.social and everyone who works there. You have ten months to keep watching us do the best show on earth.

Hey, Milwaukee, you get to be the last stop on my book tour, so come over to @boswellbooks.bsky.social tonight at 6:30 to see me talk to @taylorkayphillips.bsky.social about my book!

A fun way to get back at Jeff Bezos on Prime Day is to buy your books at your local bookstore! If you’re in Chicago, buy my book and coming to see me talk about it with Emmy Award-Winner Ali Barthwell at tomorrow at Three Avenues Bookshop at 6:30 pm! www.eventbrite.com/e/felipe-tor...

I simply can’t bring my two kids, Braydren and The Girl to see the new Superman movie because it is so woke. Also, because I don’t have visitation rights.

The only good thing about Andy Ogles is that his name is also a description of his profile picture and a warning to all women around him.

Finding out that Zohran Mamdani is an Arsenal fan who was active in Arsenal Twitter is very funny because you know soon the mayor of NYC has a deep trigger phrase that is the phrase “he’s 28 until he becomes 29.”

Lander: "It's just gross, racist bigotry. Meanwhile he's running an optimistic, upbeat campaign for a NY where everybody belongs, and I feel proud as the highest-ranking Jewish elected official in NYC to be supporting somebody who would be the first Muslim mayor—what could be more NYC than that?"

Hope and solidarity won tonight, and will win again in November. Congratulations, @zohrankmamdani.bsky.social

Spare a thought for Andrew Cuomo’s Airbnb host who all of a sudden needs to find a new guest.

Zohran won the primary. I had a really great club sandwich. Overall, a pretty good day for 33-year-old brown immigrants with a beard who live in New York.

It’s Handsome Brown Boy Summer you fucks

Andrew Cuomo will now return to his home planet, Pervertitron-7

Help, i am huffing the hopium. gothamist.com/news/nearly-...

"democrats' message is something no democrat has ever said but i associate the women i resent online with democrats"

Can't reveal anything but I keep pitching we make them wear one big sweater like they're cool conjoined twins! Tune in at 11:35 PM on CBS! The one with lady Matlock or as they call her in France, Matleusse.

He loves Gladiator. He just like me fr.

"I asked ChatGPT" "I asked Grok", well, I asked R2-D2 and he said

Hey! That’s almost as many people as a Mighty Mighty Bosstones concert!

Wrote a little something on ICE and the handcuffing of a senator and what we all know is true: notfromhere.substack.com/p/one-day-ev...

People think good politicians are hard to find but the truth is sometimes being a good politician is about being able to call out the shit we can all see with our own eyes and saying: yeah, you’re not crazy!

MY WIFE: I am leaving you because you are an internet-brained addicted loser. ME: @grok is this true?

This is what watching CNN feels like today:

Here are some texts I got from an immigration lawyer friend of mine. Shared with permission. Some of the bleakest shit I’ve ever heard.

This is like watching Godzilla fight Kong if Godzilla had been on Jeffrey Epstein's plane.

Watched the mayoral debate last night and I gotta shout out Zellnor Myrie whose whole deal was: "I am bad at karate, I did step, and I have asthma. Fuck Andrew Cuomo."

For sale. 200-year-old condom. Never used.

We will be reading and laughing and drinking while also supporting the Iowa Abortion Access Fund… You don’t wanna miss this. @lyz.bsky.social @alisonleiby.bsky.social @ellomelissa.bsky.social @felipetmedina.bsky.social @taylorkayphillips.bsky.social www.eventbrite.com/e/red-state-...

Gummy worms are superior to any candy bar.

HORROR: Transport secretary raises the terrifying prospect of more New Jerseys.

Going to the beach is so cool bc you bring a book and don’t read a page but at least the little guy got to see the ocean.

Asking people if they’ll let us piss in their living room will “kill” the pissing in other people’s houses industry.

Highly recommend watching women’s sports and then watching your team win the best tournament at said women’s sport.

"here, watch this Fox News comedy segment, it's cringe." no. no thank you. you are being a bad friend rn

American Sci-Fi shows: The Corporation has sent its KillBots to unmake the universe. British Sci-Fi shows: Cor, blimey! If we don't stop the Blinblorfs, they'll destroy all of Cardiff.

JOE ROGAN OF THE LEFT: “9/11 was not done by Lizard Men. It was done by Lizard PEOPLE. #ally”

Kinda dumb of me to release a humor book about immigration this year when I could've just released a book about the groundbreaking discovery that Joe Biden is old. Here's the link to buy my book, anyway: store.abramsbooks.com/products/ame...

The pope having a chill Chicago brother and an evil Florida brother is a metaphor for the two wolves inside America

Well, she technically is Latin.

The air traffic controller crisis is very serious. Here to comment on it is Sexy Santa Claus.

It was so cool how at the end of Andor, Andor turned to the camera and said: "My sister was actually Sebulba."

Look, he's obviously a tool, but if I'm going to spend my morning angry at a NYT employee, it's gonna be whoever picked today's Wordle. You sicko.