You’re about to get deported to Namibia for not having more than 3 ounces of airport Dasani.

STOP 👏🏽 BLAMING 👏🏽 EVERYTHING 👏🏽 ON 👏🏽 LATINOS 👏🏽

Every time he plays.

“Saving Private Ryan” remake where I’m part of a squad with Colin and Tom Hanks trying to get Chet out of my native country.

Every episode of the X-Files has a moment that’s like: MULDER: The victim disappeared after saying “I must return to my space planet. Bleep blorp. Bleep blorp.” SCULLY: Hmm. It can’t possibly be aliens.

As an immigrant, this is concerning.

Same energy.

Salmon is the best food to cook for guests if you want your guests to think your house always smells like salmon.

Hell will not be enough.

A fucking classic that never gets old.

Lin-Manuel Miranda is still waiting by the phone like “they’re gonna call, right?”

Absolutely insane that there’s a penalty called “unnecessary roughness” when that’s like the whole sport. Like soccer punishing you for “excessive kicking” or baseball having a foul for “being super boring” and “taking fucking forever.”

This is one of the best pieces I read last year.

ME: AI Shohei, I feel like no one loves me. I am so alone. I'm thinking of ending things. AI SHOHEI: You should gamble on draftkings-dot-com.

Hardly the first thing this administration should correct, but we should all get some sort of reparation money every time we have to look at JD Vance’s stupid dorkass face.

I’m proud to work at a show where this happens.

We're getting so much better at early detection of CTE.

#Arsenal #EPL

I wrote this sketch for The Late Show three years ago because Latino representation in Hollywood was so bad. Glass to see my sketch actually made it worse.

NOOOOO! LEAP DAY WILLIAM!

this is like when Henry Cavill reloads his fists in that Mission:Impossible

Greg Bovino looks like a dog who doesn't realize that steak will be his last meal before "the injection."

One day, this will all be over. And one day, a child will ask their mother to tell them about their grandparent or their uncle or their dad. And that mom will say “we don’t talk about him.” Bc him and all the people he works with and everything he ever did is a shitstain on humanity.

Only one explanation for this, Macron is "The Santa Clause-ing" into the new Joe Biden.

Las Culturistas getting a little too serious for me.

You just know that FACELESS ICE AGENT will be one of the speakers at the 2028 GOP convention.

When ICE murders you, you can be safe in the knowledge the official DHS account will drop an epicsauce meme of the six flags guy dancing on your grave.

Hey, if you love great people talking about hilarious books next to beautiful rivers, come see this “Late Show”reading/Q&A with Kate Sidley, Asher Perlman, and Felipe Torres Medina on January 24th! www.writerscenter.org/event-detail...

How stupid do you think the guy who made the best dos leches cake felt?

I think they’re adding too many characters to this movie.

Yeah, this is an Arsenal and Mets fan.

The thing The X-Files understands is that sometimes you NEED your leads to wear slutty little glasses.

Every picture of these fuckers looks like a SpongeBob closeup.

This is what the potato you left on the back of the fridge since June looks like.

Ur little cousin got grounded for yelling “Six seven” during grandma’s wake.

A List of Books You Could Gift! open.substack.com/pub/notfromh...

This isn’t my first rodeo, but what if we pretend— as a joke— that it is and you run me through the basics? Like, why is that cow so upset?

It's so cool how Star Wars ended with The Last Jedi: a great movie with a bittersweet ending that subverts the trilogy's ideas while believing deeply in them. Imagine if they'd done another movie with terrible ideas like bringing back Palpatine or making Rey a Skywalker.

When Rob Reiner was on his all-time epic run at the start of his career, he had an opportunity to read a script that was looking for a production partner, and he lost his mind for it. He decided Castle Rock had to have it, no matter what.

His mind is like looking at a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Every single time you look at it, you're like "oh, look, here's another fucked up thing."

As we mourn Rob Reiner, don’t skip this: he was, pretty much, personally responsible for overturning California’s Prop 8 banning same sex marriage. www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/bus...

Me to my true love: Oh… ANOTHER lord a-leapin. That’s so… many!

So honored to be on this list of funny books and books about funny people. I heard Ernest Hemingway never made this list, so… sorry Earnie. Order my book here: bookshop.org/p/books/amer...

Today on @vulture.com: my list of the top 10 comedy books of 2025. Featuring great works by @felipetmedina.bsky.social @pulmyears.bsky.social @clearwing3.bsky.social and many more. www.vulture.com/article/best...

This is the most depressing email subject line.

Absolutely obsessed with the logo for this Greek soccer team whose name I assume translates to Haircut Model F.C.