100 DAYS TO OPENING DAY LET’S FUCKING GO 162 #Astros GAMES SPENT YELLING AT A RECTANGLE FORGIVING MEN I’VE NEVER MET LET’S ASHCAN OUR MENTAL HEALTH LET’S DO IT TOGETHER MY HEART IS A SOFT PRETZEL THE SPREADSHEETS SAY NO BUT MY SOUL SAYS YES START THE LONG GORGEOUS MISTAKE

The betting markets never anticipated “meathead dying” as the potential last straw.

Switching from central heating to heated blankets under the bedsheet has been a revelation. It’ll be 58 in the room but I am toasty as a fresh buttered biscuit.

Found the best graffiti I’ve ever found in a Target stall this year.

I was feeling bad about the #Astros so I rewatched a series sweep (well, the 8 minute recap of each) and now I feel a little better. What are you looking forward to next season? For me, right now, it’s the potential to see this gorgeous specimen in that 5th starting spot. Hey, a Dog can dream.

I’m a simple man. I just want a poly turn-based strategy game in a procedurally generated world played on a world map with fog of war and a common tech tree that’s based on the American Revolution. I would pay $100 for the full version of such a game.

*me frantically erasing my roommate’s name from his already-graded final exam so I could turn it in (late) as my own* “I AM AN ITERATIVE DESIGNER” *froth comes out*

“A drive into deep left field by Castellanos …”

Just had like three or four little flurries near Kuykendahl & the 60.

Remembering the time that for work I had to pick up Tom Jones (the Broadway lyricist, not the pop star) at the Lubbock airport and drive him to his hotel and he was so drunk that he thought I was supposed to take him TO the airport and accused me of kidnapping him when we got to his hotel.

This seems super intimate, right? If I was interacting with a woman like this at work my wife would be swole af. And yet the scene is supposed to set them up as purely platonic work buddies? It’s sus. They be smashin. Or they have. You can’t convince me otherwise.

West Wing rewatch thoughts. “Ahh, Charlie. My youngest daughter Zoe is in town …” 😭 I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE CHARLIE THATS WHY IM CRYING

Trump’s coin toss should be disqualifying.

When people say to me “Stop living in the past,” I say, “But the music was so much better back then.”

I sat two rows in front of Correa and his family at a church event today. They were having a blast. #Astros

What actors facial expression etc etc “Look at his face and his hair. Is that what it is to grow old?”

Can it pitch? #Astros

A fourth wave materializes …

Netflix added The West Wing, see y’all on Opening Day.

Somewhere in this mess I made for myself is a lesson I get to learn the soft way about the meaning of Christmas or whatever right I deserve that much

It's so fucked up to have been a kid during the D&D is the devil freakout and the Tipper Gore dirty lyrics freakout and live to see the teen suicide machine get such a pass.

Dude is SO mad it wasn’t 1,488.

so many of our current problems stem from americans not being able to comprehend that a guy they know from tv might actually be stupid

I never know how to react to the latest news, so let me just say one more time: immigration is good. It helps immigrants and it helps native-born people. It makes the world richer, culturally and financially.

These two bros discovering that each other is fun and good and playing together so well has been a highlight of the year.

Ken Burns please make a 12 hour long documentary about the Astros cheating scandal. Hurry before Fiers gets locked up for his proclivities

Fuckin bullshit, brothers

This is a non-serious app.

Very true. I am also very stoned all the time and these guys take my cake and smoke it, too. Also, this was the first Beatles record I loved at like 10. Shoulda known then. No wonder my dad used to look at me funny. The MMT—>Devendra Banhart superfan pathway is very very real.

Oh, look, the Texans are pretty good. (Nobody can tell you’re thinking about Yainer’s grando in the bottom of the 5th inning on April 11th)

Jesus Christ, Zak Woods. Leave something on the bone. Goddamn, boy, that’s what I strive for during baseball season. You’re … my hero.

if the D***ers get Skubal I might just stop watching baseball until after the lockout

When I started teaching, we had to worry about grade inflation. I spent a lot more time justifying high grades than I expected to. Something shifted in the last ten years, and now I find myself having to justify low grades. Not sure what happened.

If Jake Meyers goes to LAD and becomes Lorenzo Cain I’m gonna use my own blood to paint over the BE SOMEONE tag and do an arm stand pike off the Fred Hartman Bridge. #Astros

I am a pale version of myself until spring training. How y’all getting through? I don’t wanna hear about “other sports,” yuck. #Astros

Anuus Socci Albi, Motu Proprio, Roma locuta, causa finita est.

I love baseball love. Nothing like it. Have a blast. I’m jealous.

My mosquitoes have filed an OSHA complaint regarding environmental concerns re: why tf is it so cold in South Texas.

Greatest offensive 2B ever. Punished for being mean and washing his truck too hard. 8 100+ RBI seasons. OPS+ to make a 1B blush. He didn’t smile for the right people, I get it. More oWAR than Biggio, Alomar, Sandberg, Utley, Cano. What’s the issue?

Caught the 7 yo listening to Pinkerton this morning. By the way, this is like me at his age listening to a record from 1961. Probably Ray Charles “The Genius Sings the Blues.”

👆❤️🖤Big 12 Champs!!!! 🖤❤️👆

Indiana being 12-0 in December isn't that weird, it's just weird that it's in football

One Source of Bad Information, by Robert Bly (quoted in Wild Things: A Geography of Grief by Barbara Wansbrough)

Hilarious exit from the Astros, traded immediately after throwing seven shutty with 8 Ks. Still got his ring.

🌵 IYKYK

This is why Johnny can’t read. Cmon, IXL

Tucker to TOR makes sense, NGL, it just kinda works.