Terry from Terry’s Chocolate Orange is on the Epstein List

Maybe I haven’t tuned into this guy too much recently but he sounds old as hell now, he’s picked up that old guy breath whistle when he speaks

What we all don’t understand in that The Ashes is actually a festive film where this England team might lose everything, but in the process they discover the True Meaning of Christmas*. And in many ways that’s all that matters. * (The meaning is, it’s better in Australia)

2 tests down and a turgid day of batting. Exactly where we want them. False sense of security. They’ll never know what’s hit them even after they go up 5 tests.

Chiefs OUT. We’re woke again folks.

🍓JACOB HATTON🍓 We are delighted to welcome back the wonderful @jacobhashishaton.bsky.social to coherent comedy for our first show of 2026! Tickets below 👇 #CoherentComedy

I absolutely cannot wait for this.

For you I would rather forget English

Love when the train is like “Yeah idk” Relatable

The apex of Twitter freaks who won’t log off radicalising themselves into absurd shit even the most coke-addled ‘Tommy Robinson is a legend’ thug wouldn’t consider is the “Indian food is bad actually” lot. I genuinely think they’re going to overplay their hand

This goes out to choirmasters at the carol service: play the fucking hits “Oh tonight we’re doing a plainsong come all you faithful” Shut up. Play the hits. Hark the Herald, Once In Royal, the big descants on all. In The Bleak Midwinter (Holst version only)

Only so many times you can try ID cards

Something about me is I will talk to your dog like we’re long time colleagues at the shipyard. “Alright geez” “Ahhh it’s a living, drink makes it better”

The Ashes are secretly a national humiliation kink. We invented this game explicitly to be pantsed by grinning oafs who call the off license a Bottlo. We want this. Check mate.

If I were to reanimate a corpse-man from stolen parts I found attractive I would simply make the creature actually attractive instead of hideous and uncanny

Don’t make me defend the chancellor but this wave of stories really are absolute bullshit. So clear that they wanted to bang on about the tax rise that didn’t happen so now they’re actively scalp hunting

It does feel like half the stories in the UK press only make sense if you follow Enoch1488, a peadophile on twitter who they have decided is the voice of True Working Class Brits

This will actively appeal to a lot of reform people who basically love that they can be part of essentially, “The Dickhead Party”, but ideally we can switch a few people off at least

I think this is right btw. Most of the MASSIVE fall in immigration is a result of the new restrictions from the last Tory govt finally having an impact, give it a couple of years and Labour are going find they’ve overshot

Business idea: I come round your house and use my lack of construction skills to turn it into a shithole to own Rachel Reeves. I will charge a year of mansion tax for the pleasure.

Another way of looking at this, of course, is that if you took the triple lock out of the equation, the benefits bill would very likely roughly be increasing in line with projected inflation *if that*

There’s no welfare state that isn’t funded by broad base tax rises btw. We can have an expansive welfare state with strong public services (my preference) but you as in low paid and middle earners will pay more for it. Anyway, the budget is basically fine. she bottled it by not upping income tax.

Sending the police to arrest you for the capture of your child bride (F30)

The Antebellum Curve

Let's say for the sake of argument that his policies are "successful" (say in reducing the number of UK asylum applications). Does he think the press will simply sit back and applaud him? No chance. They'll just invent a new bogeyman – a new epidemic – that he's to blame for

Starmer’s anti-asylum policies show how utterly clueless he is about the right-wing media’s role in politics. He’s trying to fix a “problem” contrived by Farage, GB News and The Telegraph. He’ll never win, because ultimately he’s fighting a ghost – he’s fighting something that doesn’t really exist

Myles Garrett is the best defensive player I’ve ever seen and I’ve been watching the ravens when prime Lewis and Reed were playing. Kyle Hamilton is going to be a hall of famer though

The commitment to turning this island into a nationwide episode of “Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away”

Trump daintily pincering your schlong between his thumb and forefinger whilst he prepares to show you why he is the throat goat

They need to do a post-Traitors show hosted by Joel Dommett and Alison Hammond where the losers go to their chosen charity and have it explained to them exactly what can’t now be funded as a result of their failure

This is an astonishingly good pop song by the way. Really gorgeous stuff

Our expectations were low but fucking hell. "The Irish", is it bsky.app/profile/ciar...

I'm imagining them swirling the spunk around in a brandy glass.

If the Senate Dems fold, they’ll be the Calzone Express

The whole internet loves Mamdani, a lovely New York mayor called Mamdani! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the mayor is a gooner

Here’s what Mamdani’s win means for the Lewisham Blood Bowl playing scene in 2025…

All time great anti development argument

Every single one of these written by your teenage niece and nephew

It’s because no-one likes admitting they’ve got older: if states were having to spend more for the same results because, say, AI meant that students needed to stay in school much longer, wouldn’t be as much widespread denial about it IMO.

There are many things you imagine will happen when a parent dies. I’d like to tell you I never imagined that, as a result of being executor of my late father’s estate, I would be embroiled in a legal dispute with a business named Milfhunters 24h, but I’m afraid I did know the old man quite well.

From the depths of “it’s over”, there was within me an invincible “we’re so back”.

All office life: > We have sent the files by WeTransfer > our policy does not allow WeTransfer please send by Blumbr > Blumbr is not allowed by our office please accept MailCum > MailCum is banned and our office will put you on the sex offenders register please attatch to Pidgn >

Moisturised, in my zone.

RIP to one of my favourite London buildings, the Bellingham/Catford Homebase. Really strange sci-fi B movie vibed place with a really lovely water feature.

My great grandad was the MP for Caerphilly, their second Labour MP and the first ever conscientious objector to serve in parliament. Whilst he was a committed socialist he’d never have said that it was a truly radical place. He would say that it is somewhere that will not be taken for granted.

If Pizza Hut folds it’ll be Calzone Express

My dad, who for claimed diabetes reasons was the only person I’ve ever met who consumed all of these regularly has been dead 3 months and my suspicion that he kept their business afloat solo is all but confirmed

Luckily the terrible image was stolen this morning

Had to cancel my WIP after low ticket sales. Boo. Got on at Camden Comedy Club instead. Absolutely roofed it. 🤝