I remember when the Riyadh Comedy Festival wasn’t all about money and we all wrote our shows on Charon’s boat on the way there

I like to dine ‘al Tesco’ (meal deal in the car park)

Why tf did someone let JK Rowling name a journalist?

BREAKING: “That’s not all!” - Friends of the couple embroiled in the K.I.S.S.I.N.G in a tree saga claim now the baby is playing basketball. More to come as we get it.

Had some nice news at the day job today

Realised I was addicted to my phone cos I thought a pub wifi password was “Est: 1874”

Ahead of my time on this one

Last two Ed Fringe shows tonight and tomorrow. 9pm Hoots at Potterrow - come along?

Nuggets for starter. Cheeseburger as a side. No vegetables in sight. Makes sure we know why he only had a shandy. No notes. 10/10

Deeply concerning comedy news coming out of Edinburgh today. I have had another nice review (from 3 Weeks). 3 more shows left

5 STARS FROM THE PHOENIX REMIX "A fantastic second hour from the comic and it is a show that is absolutely hilarious and has been one of my highlights of this year." Insane scenes - thrilled people are liking the show so much. Only a few more chances left to see it. Hoots at Potterrow at 9pm x

Great to see ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ for @alexkitson.bsky.social - catch 'This is Water' at Hoots, Potterow 9pm #edfringe #EdFringe2025

5 star review in for my fringe show tonight. So many tickets still available - come along if you fancy it why not eh

First review in for my show at the Fringe and it’s ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️!! Gassed about this

Asking A.I. about medical issues is asking Chat GP

Got really stuck into this tbf

I forgot to say - I am at the Edinburgh Fringe all month. Would be really grateful if all of you bought a million tickets!

At the weekend I had a preview in an old bank on the Isle of Wight in front of mostly retirees. It was low energy/quiet before I went on so I opened by telling them to “switch their hearing aides to T(ee) hee mode”. It got absolutely nothing and I did the rest of my hour to near silence

Everybody has a weak link in their group chat let’s be honest.

Say what you like about Odysseus - but imagine having a commute so awful they teach it in schools

Summer 2025 is BART summer (being naughty/watching TV/telling people I don’t like to eat my shorts)

If you say “Beta-Jews” three times me and the boys appear

Tooting Bec’s full name is Flatulant Rebecca

This seems very strange from U&Dave. Politically motivated? Strange quote here. "There's no point anymore. Everyone knows who'll win. Every entry on the list will be Alex Kitson because he's obviously got the funniest show. Every joke is a banger. Just buy a ticket to that." Odd!

For sale; “Baby Booze”. Never chugged… 😢😢😭

Not surprising all the podcast bros got duped by Trump when they’re the same people who thought Huel could give them a jawline without ever chewing anything

Deleting the apps so I can meet someone the old fashioned way (get hired as a nanny and illicitly teach their 7 children to sing before fleeing the Nazis)

Guy who thinks rush hour is any hour where he is busy

Last night I had a nightmare where I got ‘Yesterdayed’ but instead of being the only person who remembered the Beatles I was the only one who remembered the Notorious B.I.G and instead of being successful I got cancelled so hard I actually broke a world record

Kafka fanboy stole our doorbell. Delivery of a replacement is now impossible.

I was once in a Barbershop Quintet. We were doing well and about to sign a deal but having five of us was too radical for the guys at the label. I was the only one who wasn’t ready to sell my soul to the man. They dropped me and that’s why I don’t talk about it that often

Tooting Bec’s full name is Flatulant Rebecca

Hi someone who has (probably) followed me from a starter pack. I’m doing my new Edinburghshow in London over the next few days in the following places. Link in bio!

“It’s about the journey, not the destination” - someone who has never taken a Megabus

If you don’t like your estate agents to go hard in negotiations. Try:

If you happen to be in London I am doing my new show at the following places next week. Come along!

Bond theme which is Tom Jones singing “James Bond. James Bond. I’m James Bond.” to the tune of ‘Sexbomb’

A reminder I am available for writing work. 🥰 recent feedback 🥰

Shout out everyone wearing this Uniqlo shirt to work atm! You all look great! So smart!

Sorry guys same here. Just wouldn’t feel right for me to tour the US right now - get in touch with the arenas directly for refunds x

If you say “Beta-Jews” three times me and the boys appear

No one would ever honk their horn while driving if it just shouted “I’m scared” instead

Woolworths to launch new typewriter range in collaboration with the East India Company

Brighton’s got one of the all time most doomed shops

🎓🪃

*Mr Beast Voice* “I gathered a conclave of 100 Cardinals then gave them 48 hours to choose a new pope!!!! If they manage it they get $10 million in cash EACH. If they don’t - they get NOTHING !!! AND I’ll unleash Lord Beelzebub, so he wreak his vengeance upon this mortal plain!!! Time starts now!!”

Everyday at work I leave a coffee to get cold - so later I can do an impression of Asterix drinking his magic potion and receive absolutely zero laughs whatsoever

Summer 2025 is BART summer (being naughty/watching TV/telling people I don’t like to eat my shorts)

Hi all - for my day job I’ve been asked to do a school assembly on autism for autism awareness day. I’m very keen/aware about centring autistic voices - and conscious about speaking ‘for’ others. My aim is to help demonstrate people’s lived reality beyond the stereotypes

Mother’s Day. Father’s Day… Bit sexist there’s still no Daughter Day when we have Son Day every week