A still from the animal remake of Casablanca. "Kid looking at ewe's ears".

Great new lads, we've won the competition to sing Stayin' Alive on the remake of Saturday Night Fever. Bee Gees? Us? I know, I can't believe it either. #Lunchpun

My wife hates my poetry, so I'm careful to always avoid the subject, but today I think I might risk a verse. #LunchPun

I followed the "self-checkout" signs in the supermarket. Sad to report it’s only somewhere you can scan your own shopping. #LunchPun

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Dunkirk - William Shatner's autobiography.

Going Green. Interesting for the country, bad for ham.

From Monday to Saturday we run a nudist colony for people with a lisp. We’re clothed on Sundays. #LunchPun

A friend of mine is really jealous that I have a genuine ’Jaws’ film poster signed by the original cast (this one is in my kitchen). He is so envious that I think I am going to need a bigger gloat.

Bruce Banner never joins in Charades. You wouldn’t like him when he's 12 Angry Men. #LunchPun

How to Write a Study Guide by Cliff Snoates.

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

If you buy a guinea pig from a pound shop, who owes who a shilling?

The sleep of reasonable nutrition brings forth crisps.

Temporary screens or permanent walls? Something that really divides the room. #LunchPun

Still can't believe they called it "Return of the Jedi", when "Luke Back in Anger" was right there. #maythefourth #starwars

Bands succeed or fail for all sorts of reasons; for example, This Mortal Coil never released a track called Shuffling Off, which was a fatal mistake. #LunchPun

You're wrong, half the population have learned to look out for people like you.

It's worth pointing out that most chip shop friers have gas lighters.

It’s not the most obvious choice…

"It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. You know what we should learn from that?" "There are way more researchers than useful things to research?"

I’ve set up my new upmarket undertaker’s business. It’s called La Crème de la Crem. #LunchPun

I tell you what, this time, any election rubbish I get in the post is going straight in the bin. Except anything from the Green Party. That goes in the recycling.

Came home to find a note from my wife on the table saying "Cock a Doodle". It was a bit of a wake up call. #LunchPun

I was editing a huge book about Spandau Ballet, and, trying to cut a long story short, I lost my mind.

Fell for the oldest trick in the book (accepted apple from a serpent).

Has anyone asked their AI what data centres do with all that fresh water?

I've come up with a mnemonic- based system for remembering chemical symbols. It's not applicable for sodium, obviously.

We're at the point as a couple where, if I get a message saying "I'm up in the bedroom feeling really dirty", it's a criticism of my hoovering.

In an attempt to appeal to modern audiences, in streaming versions of "The Hustler" Jackie Gleason's character will be renamed Polyunsaturated Fats. #LunchPun

When Gerri left the Spice Girls, it was only the last-minute intervention of the record company's diversity team that prevented her replacement by a temporary backing singer from Beijing, who would have been known as "Chinese 5".

The estate of Damon Runyon has announced an updated “Guys and Dolls” for the 21st century. The mission song is a Kpop anthem, “BoatSittr”. Sky Masterton respects Sarah Brown’s career and personal choices. None of the characters drinks or gambles. The new film lasts four and a half minutes.

My friend Rita has developed a new scent and has asked me to suggest a good name. I said Eau de Rita will be a shoo in. #Lunchpun

I’m watching a film about a flamboyant adventurer who makes straps for Swiss watches: a real Swatchbuckler. #LunchPun

Roman shops would often have a whole range of Pick and One Thousand and Nine. #LunchPun

The person who named the condition obsessive compulsive disorder could have arranged the words alphabetically, but chose not to.

I'm sorry if this gives you negative vibes

Atoms are absolute liars, they make up everything. #LunchPun

Single bean in a tin. Thrown from a mountain top. Incandescent. #LunchPun

One good thing the Iran war has done is correct people who thought that the Straits of Hormuz was the Middle Eastern version of Queer Eye.

The worst part about being a comic artist is that everyone can read what you're thinking.

The team behind the "MICHAEL" biopic have announced that the follow-up will be called "JEFFREY" and will focus entirely on Jeffrey Epstein's early career as a tax advisor and investment banker.

I'm sorry, but empty cello is completely out of order! #LunchPun

Dr Frankenstein: it’s alive! Igor: great! what should we name him Dr frankenstein: uh we won’t igor: I dunno, might lead to some confusion Dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

I think my hearing’s going. Yesterday I heard the shriek of brakes so late I barely had time to move the cardboard boxes next to my orange cart.

If your immigration status is clarified, you're known as a refughee. #LunchPun

Got a new job at a fulfilment centre. Feel misled. #LunchPun

Someone with a huge sense of irony has decided that, in the UK, MICHAEL is rated 12A. Which means that people under 12 are only allowed in with an adult. Because, god knows, that's always safe.

The team behind the "MICHAEL" biopic have announced that the follow-up will be called "JEFFREY" and will focus entirely on Jeffrey Epstein's early career as a tax advisor and investment banker.

Only the British could develop a vetting process that it's not possible to fail.

Turns out food waste is what you call a beer belly if you don't drink. #LunchPun