Pfizer has released a new version of Viagra called 007. It won't make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore.

Alcohol and calculus should never mix. Don’t drink and derive.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids weren’t much to look at either.

In America deer balls are the cheapest meat you can get. They’re under a buck.

I could never be a vegan. For me, it'd be a huge missed steak.

They say if you play heavy metal backwards you get satanic messages. What do you get playing country music backwards? Your job back, your wife back, your truck back, your house back.

The meteorologist who developed the Heat Index passed away yesterday. He was 88, but felt like 95.

The cooling system was installed by the village AC technician, Thermodynamix 😊

I heard rodents might start a revolution. Imagine mice uprise.

I can’t believe it’s going to take over five years before I can go into to space as a tourist. They said it would be a waitless experience.

Last night I dreamed I had to make a thousand pancakes… I was tossing and turning all night…

How do flowers settle arguments? They dew pistils at dawn.

It’s another hot day, so I’ve walked upstairs, taken all my clothes off and opened every window... I feel so much better, although the other people on the double decker bus don't seem too pleased!

So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up? Fine. Suture self.

Of the renting of rooms at Kensington Palace. They're listed on HeirB'n'B.

Burnham - Simultaneously, Keir Starmer's latest challenge and Donald Trump's solution to the Epstein files. #LunchPun

What animal tracks should you avoid, unless you want to get stabbed in the back? Bee trails.

What do you call an expert of weaving yarn or thread into cloth? A Loom-inary.

Good friend

Everyone knows about William Tell, who was famous for his exceptional archery skills. But what people don’t know is that William and his entire family were also exceptional bowlers. Unfortunately, most of the records from that time have been lost, so no one knows for whom the Tells bowled.

I finally got round to putting up that bar in the shower my doctor has been harping on me about…

After all this time looking for it! #humor #math #foundontheinternet #nerdhumor

My teacher once told me I had nothing but twigs for brains… That comment still sticks in my mind.

I learned the previous owner of my home did all The electrical work without any experience. I was shocked.

I bought some frozen peas and found two identical wigs inside. Like toupees in a pod.

I’m auditioning for the new King Canute movie. Hoping to get the tidal role.

What’s the most dangerous animal? Crows. Get enough of them in one place and there’ll be a murder.

I dread the day Musk's scandal comes to light. Elon-gate is going to last forever…

A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him. In fairness, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.

When I left my job on the Muppet Show, I had a feeling of après Henson.

I was surprised to learn Elon Musk is from South Africa. You’d think he’s from Mad-at-gas-car.

My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree… I told him to grow a pear.

From Tass@JustTheTalk

I got fired from Madame Tussauds for giving suntans to Jim Morrison and his mates in the band. They told me to get out and never darken their doors again.

Wife, "Why are you making pancakes for the dog?" Me, "Because he doesn't know how."

I came last in a general knowledge quiz. I couldn't name any generals.

England are going to need fans in the World Cup. 'What... for the hot weather?' 'Nargh... to sing Sweet Caroline before the penalty shootout!' #joke #funny #jokes #LunchPun #worldcup

Walked past the fridge the other night, and thought I heard the onions singing BeeGees songs. In fact, it was the chives talking.

I met a Chinese drug addict. He said "have you seen my cocaine"? I said "not since he starred in The Italian job".

My dog Minton, has bitten all my sports equipment to pieces. Bad Minton!

A very skinny woman entered a bookstore and asked the clerk”What is the chance you would have a book on religion curing an eating disorder.” The clerk responded ‘slim to nun.’

Two kings and three queens came into my home last night. It was a full house.

What's a coin collector's favorite ice cream flavour? Mint.

l've noticed that parents who go into "Baby Changing Facilities" invariably come out with the same one. Very suspicious.