Which Pasta makes someone answer the door? Gnocci.

What do you call an undecorated aircraft? Plane.

I used to be in a band called The Radiators... We were a warm up act. Then I joined The Duvets. We did mainly covers.

They say that dogs bark up to 350 times a day. Of course, that's just a ruff estimate.

Me: I need a battery so I can tell the time. Cashier: Is it for a clock? Me: I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery.

What do you call a accident between two Nissan pick-up trucks?
 Clash of the Titans.

Which famous guitarist loved to throw fruit at his audience? Chuck Berry.

Incredible piece of Search Engine Optimisation

"And we now have María on the line who would like to swap a Nobel Peace Prize for the presidency of Venezuela..."

My purpose in life is to pay off my mortgage. It's my maison d'etre.

If you play guitar and want to know the secret to making it sound better, please stay tuned...

My friend claims that doing a single yoga pose counts as a whole workout. I think that's a bit of a stretch.

If you cut off your left arm, your right arm would be left. …On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Why does Trump want Greenland? Because It's got a lot of ICE.

They finally caught the guy who was having sex with all the farm animals, but he escaped... Now he’s on the lamb.

I met a pregnant auctioneer… "How far going going gone are you?" I asked her.

How do you treat a shoplifter with a stomachache? Kleptobismol.

Did anyone hear about the company that makes yardsticks? They won't be making them any longer.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today. But I couldn't find it.

From Tass@JustTheTalk

My local Chinese restaurant has been hit with a £10k electricity bill. They said they can't turn off all the lights but they do dim sum.

I’m reading this book about sandpaper… …turns out it’s a work of friction.

Many crows have lost the ability to communicate Scientists are struggling trying to find the caws.

I saw three Spanish ghosts floating through the hallway… It gave me the creeps, but they were tres-passing.

Very rare photo of the Carwash brothers, inventors of the…

I bought a box of antique coins. But they were so worn out… I couldn’t make heads nor tails of them.

El nuevo presidente de Venezuela.

NASA site that spells out your name in Landsat imagery. science.nasa.gov/specials/you... From Tass@JustTheTalk

Pepé Le Pew, hungry goes to a utilitarianism pizza restaurant. But the hostess says that there is a wait. Just then, Minnie Mouse walks in and is immediately seated. Pepé objects: "but I was first in line!" To which the hostess replies: "The needs of the Minnie outweigh the needs of the Pew."

This is great: media.infosec.exchange/infosec.exch... From Tass@JustTheTalk

There’s to be a British spinoff version of Stranger Things. It’ll be called: Bit Odd In'it?

Alan Price is taller than Katie Price, but is a few inches shorter than Vincent Price. I found this out on a Price comparison website.

I don’t usually like dolphins, but I had a great conversation with one the other day… We clicked.

I have decided to pronounce the letter 'B' in the word 'subtle'. But I'll do it so quietly that almost nobody will notice.

What's a horse's favourite wine? Chardoneigh.

Shovels remain the most groundbreaking invention ever.

I used to think that rich people owned Bose and poor people owned Sony. But then I realised those are stereotypes.

Someone broke into my apartment and stole every lamp. I'm so delighted.

What do you call 200 shepherds in a conference room? A shearholder meeting.

Tesco arrived with the Christmas delivery. The driver handed me a bag and said ‘There’s a couple of substitutions, here’s your sprig of rosemary and haddock’ I said to him ‘This isn’t the thyme or the plaice’.

When I discovered that I was holding the taser the wrong way…I was stunned.

🎁 Edinburgh’s very own The Phoenix Choir sing ‘Twelve Days of Clickbait’ at Central Hall in Tollcross. Next time a friend or relative complains about the state of (some) local news websites, send them this video. Lyrics in the replies. On the 12th day of clickbait, the headlines screamed at me:

The missus got held up in Tesco! 'Too many shoppers at the Christmas tills?' 'Nah...too many Baileys free samples in the aisles!'