Just tried Elvis Costello's new vegan spicy sausage made with olives. Olive salami is here to stay....

I was changing a flat tyre when it fell on my foot... Now I need a toe.

What does a mortician and an electrician have in common? They're both shocked when they touch a live one.

If i could change the colour of one of Snow White’s dwarves… …I’d dye Happy.

What do you call a naked, 4’10” mother? A bare minimum.

What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency? It hertz. If they do it very hard, it megahertz.

Crypto Through the Tulips #ASongOrMovieForBusiness

Whats the difference between a sausage and a space rock that burns up in the atmosphere? Well a sausage is made out of meat...but the rock is a little meteor.

Sadly, my obese parrot has passed away…It’s a great weight off of my shoulders.

100 not out. Happy birthday to Sir Dave. What a guy. And here's a sketch of him I did in 2024.

My mate's having trouble with his pacemaker. Told him middle-distance running has passed him by! #joke #funny #jokes #humour #lunchPun

Why you should never kick a volcano? You might Krakatoa.

FYI: The ring pulls on cans that stay attached to them can be bent back slightly to provide a non-sharp hole for using a drinking straw.

A coach-load of jazz musicians has overturned on the M5… Expect lengthy jams…

Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

I guessed toffee, but it was raisin. I guessed orange, but it was coffee. I guessed peanut, but it was toffee. I was wrong on so many Revels.

Coffee has bean voted the best drink in the world. It was an unfair vote, there were absent tea ballots. It’s big news. It’s strange nothing has bean heard from the French Press.

Which award goes to the Dentist of the Year? A little plaque.

The Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps told a woman to cover her midriff… It was a navel blockade.

Mummies aren’t from the Stone Age or the Iron Age… They’re from the Bandage.

What do tightrope walkers eat? A balanced diet.

Did you hear about the seamstress that quit her job to pursue a career in music? Now she's a Singer/Songwriter...Or sew it seams.

I once asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia… He said, “Sure knock yourself out.”

FYI: If you know anyone who wants to improve the iPhone’s Glass effect on the lock screen: To turn the clock on the Lock Screen back to “solid” - long-press your lock screen -> customize -> tap the time -> select “solid” at the bottom.

Did you here about the magic tractor. It turned into a field.

What seven-letter word starts with "egg" and ends with "soup"? Chicken.

Who sells the best musical chain mail? Joan Armor trading.

Did you hear about the criminal breaking into his own house? It was a work from home day.

Smiling is my favourite workout.

What would this country be like if every car was pink? A pink carnation.

I asked a woman out for coffee. She said: “Great, how about 10 tomorrow?” 10 is a mental amount of coffees to drink. Date cancelled.

I was thrown out of weight watchers this afternoon for making sarcastic comments during the weigh in. But I accepted their decision with enormous grace because she was thrown out too.

I've removed all my German acquaintances from my phone’s Contacts. It's a Hans free phone now.

How does a Mother become single? She moves Father away.

What happens, when you're naked in public and the elevator doesn't work? You'll encounter stairs.

Most actors eat with a fork… but Reese Witherspoon.

I'm writing a book about WD-40. It's Non-Friction.

There's an investigation into nitrous oxide use in the police service. Should be quick, they just arrest the Laughing Policeman. #joke #funny #jokes #humour #LunchPun

A man walks into a hardware store and grabs a can of fly spray. “Is this good for wasps?” he asks. “No,” the assistant says, “it kills them.”

My friend used to have a bad heron addiction. Now he has egrets.

Did you know Pythagoras joined an orchestra? He played the triangle.

Some people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond. You've got to be non-shallot.

What do you call a Frenchman who was attacked by a cat? Claude.

Most zoo dentists refuse to treat a grizzly without a strong anaesthetic first. Because there’s safety in numb bears.

I cleaned my vacuum cleaner… Now I’m the vacuum cleaner.

If someone is playing chess for the first time… Does that make them a Rook?