"There are no mammals living in the sea". Cetacean needed.

Fans of Ash or Richard Ashcroft, or Buzz Magazine, or me (hi mum) can read my little reviews of these two acts' latest efforts below... (spoiler: they're both cracking albums) www.buzzmag.co.uk/richard-ashc... www.buzzmag.co.uk/ash-ad-astra...

Mick Jagger gets cheap dog treats when the pet shop accepts Indian currency. It's a good buy, Rupee chews day. #LunchPun

Cow tipping is cruel because it makes them think they're good waitresses.

I was almost picked to be Electrician of the Year, but I didn’t get enough volts. #LunchPun

Peter Crouch has opened a new shopping centre named after his wife. Abbey's Mall? It's alright actually. #LunchPun

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

How do you spot Cruella de Vil at a science convention? She's the one in the Lab coat.

I always wanted to captain a naval attack boat, but that ship assailed.

CANAPE (noun, Scottish English): Having insufficient funds in a restaurant. #LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Heathrow use a giant set of scales to gauge the obesity of visitors from overseas. It's foreigner weigh the best method.

The effect of downsizing shopping centres is minimal.

I'll never admit that I'm still the one who keeps stopping my wife's 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman' CD, because I've got pausable Shaniability. #LunchPun

#LunchPun As a young police officer I once arrested a string player from the London Philharmonic Orchestra for drink driving. Harpist? She was totally off her head.

Thought I was going to fail my boat making exam, but I managed to get my ship together. #LunchPun

Entered a crowbarring competition. Got first prise.

I always forget the words to Nessum Dorma at the most in-opera tune moment.

The Ninja Turtles are petrified and haven’t come out their lair for months. It’s their cower bunker. #LunchPun

There must be a shortage of burning buildings as people keep running out of them. #LunchPun

A farmer lost his whole estate in a bet when he couldn't name the O'Jays' biggest hit. Bookie won the land? No, 'Love Train'.

Advised the baker on in-shop music as he served me some North African bread. Moroccan roll? Actually I suggested some light jazz. #LunchPun

At the intergalactic wine drinking contest, I put my money on the little green man. Back an alien? It was a bit wild, yes.

Light up decoration in Lidl. I can't be the ONLY one who read this wrong at first glance...

One of the Skywalkers once climbed Everest. I think it was Luke, but it was definitely him or Leia.

My girlfriend wasn't sure about a romantic trip to Cheddar Gorge, but she loved it. I feel valley dated. #LunchPun

My mate is jealous of me running a colliery and keeps asking me all about it. Wish he'd mined his own business.

Thank you for calling the West Country Defamation League. Yokel is very important to us.

My uncle got sent down for ten years, which helped with his pillow making business. #LunchPun

The very worst laboratory colleagues are the ones that don't wash up their containers properly. Vial scum.

Someone asked if I'd won the 'Most Steamed Up Glasses' competition, but I didn't have the foggiest.

I struggled at Slimming World at first, but I've recently found my feet. #LunchPun

'Lousy louts love leaving lots lying locally' is an example of alitteration.

I couldn't play golf as there was a horse on the fairway. No balls teed? Nah, it was really scruffy looking.

I call the local Ferrari dealer 'Henry VIII' as he's the two door king. #LunchPun

For effective congestion relief, Phil Collins takes Su-su-sudafed.

When I told my friend he wasn't brave enough for an adventure he went off on one.

My online dating profile photo is me holding a baguette. Because loaf... is the Tinder trap. #LunchPun

Defrost a book before reading it? There's a novel thawed.

When my pet raven lost his voice, the vet offered him a courtesy caw.

Churchill originally wanted to do the victory sign with his feet, but the plan was V-toed. #LunchPun

The men on Strictly get their therapy from a guy dance counsellor.

I haven't studied every telepathy training book, but I've read the cortex.

Due to a mix-up in the IKEA and Gregg's supply chains, some customers may be receiving flapjack furniture today. #Lunchpun

The animals between apes and humans had terrible body odour. This is evidence of the missing Lynx. #LunchPun

My wife said she didn't feel valued. So I took her to the Antiques Roadshow.

You're through to the Suspect Restraint Helpline, police hold. #LunchPun