Happy birthday! A small point: I know lots of people these days say ‘print’ to mean artwork generally, but it’s important to make the distinction as it’s not a print, I draw each one to order.

A man and his girlfriend were in prison and faked each other's parole approval. It's sweet when a couple finish each other's sentences.

There ain't nothin' like it...

Sales of Christmas cards that don't open sideways have seen a tent fold increase. #LunchPun

I didn't cry when you threw a calculator at me, I just had sum thing in my eye.

More new originals recently finished, Cats and Crows! www.worldofmoose.com/collections/...

Just had a job interview in front of a tartan wall. They said it was a standard background check.

If I had a Tim Minchin I would go back and turn off autocorrect.

My car broke down while I was dressed as a Disney bear. Baloo attire? No, just a flat battery. #LunchPun

Careful, the choir's hand sanitiser is out of date and it burns a bit... Argh! Their year-old hand gels sting! Actually, we're starting with Silent Night.

Working out which 80s pop band was the most promiscuous is as easy as ABC.

As we're nearing Christmas, I'm sharing one of my festive covers. There are tons of other covers and a few originals on the account, varying wildly in quality tbh... :) soundcloud.com/max-harvey-1...

Some organisms don't have a choice about using mitosis to reproduce. It's something they halve to do. #LunchPun

I thought I'd knocked over a glass of watar, but it turned out to be a spilling mistake.

A retired footballer was really happy to go to the Cluedo-themed fancy dress party. Keen as mustard? No, Gary Lineker as Professor Plum .

Which fairy tale character rarely went to the library? Little Read Riding Hood #LunchPun

The scene in Goldfinger where they cover the girl in paint was filmed near Cheltenham Gloucester? Nah, some sort of spray paint.

I asked my postman if he was feeling better after a chihuahua attacked him recently. He said he was a little bit. #Lunchpun

An ex Friends star is rumoured to keep a mousetrap in her knickers. Courtney Cox? Not yet, no. #LunchPun

One of the Brontës got really nauseous at book signing events Miss Anne throw up? No, she liked people, she was just nervous.

Some guy ran up to me in the street and shouted WHAT TV SHOW ABOUT PLANE CRASH SURVIVORS ON A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND SHOULD I BUY??!! I told him to get lost.

Waterstones staff were surprised when I tried to pay with a root vegetable. It was a turnip for the books. #LunchPun

Are orthopaedic nurses back wards compatible?

Gloria Gaynor got arrested after attacking Mark Hamill when Carrie Fisher's pet Welsh insect devoured all her pinto beans. For Star Wars affray? Dai wasp ate refried?

Told my wife about the shoe sale and she ran for the heels. #LunchPun

While everyone's arguing about it again, why not buy a print of my Bruce Willis picture.

I'm raising money to compete in the World Hide and Seek championships. I've set up a GoFindMe page.

The salary isn't great, but getting a job in the advent calendar testing department could open a lot of doors.

Watched The Hunt For красный октябрь last night. Must have had Russian subtitles on.

There's a place in Scotland where it is really difficult to get your car to stop... ...In Ayrshire. #LunchPun

On the back of my books, rather than a photo of me I have a picture of a garden ornament. It's my gnome de plume. #LunchPun

My Tesco colleagues doubted my commitment to the company, so I changed my name to 'Dave Clubcard-Vouchers' in an effort to redeem myself.

When I think about old library classification systems, I get all Dewey-eyed.

Nothing scarier than a sedan ride. It's a chair raising experience. #LunchPun

Instead of a cyborg, one early script had Dr Jones being sent back in time to kill. Indy terminate? No, specifically Sarah Connor.

I've drawn not one, not two, but THREE cute dogs for my latest commission

Had a relationship with a defective gym robot. It didn't work out. #LunchPun

I've just earned my green belt in karate. It's not quite a black belt, but it's something to build on.

I adore bread but I'm gluten intolerant. It's a loaf-hate relationship.

Our phrenology lessons were given by the head teacher. #LunchPun

A statue has been put up to celebrate the 80s band, The Bangles. It's a two wrist attraction.

Hawaiian bakers often wear floury shirts.

Fun fact: W.C. Fields invented the portaloo #LunchPun

Getting my Suggs tattoo was a harrowing experience. Think I'm ska'd for lie. #LunchPun

Many hands make light work. And a tall horse.

Flounce www.worldofmoose.com/products/flo...

The favourite tyre brand of retired executioners is Dunlop.

Now that my fellow judge has agreed to host the annual dance, the ball's in his court. #LunchPun

My father drew up the original plans for Paisley Park. Blueprints? No, he got the work through a standard tendering process.

Went to a talk on blindfold podiatry. It was toenaily all over the place.