It's been a day of ups and downs. I've got pockets full of cash, but I've also been banned from the pub pool team. #LunchPun

I'm convinced my army of leaf cutters are trying to sing "God Save the King" but don't know the words. It's the National Ant Hum. #LunchPun

I asked my postman if he was feeling better after a chihuahua attacked him recently. He said he was a little bit. #Lunchpun

My wife left me because of my obsession with budget supermarkets. She said it wasn't the general fixation as such, but Aldi Lidl things got to her in the end. #LunchPun

My dad's estranged sister is a horrible woman. Whenever auntie Matter comes round, everyone disappears. #Lunchpun

My friend Emma Great has just moved abroad. #Lunchpun

-"A old scientist i know professes to have discovered an ocean on the moon." -"Lunar sea?" -"Yeah I think he's going a bit doo lally" #LunchPun

Outrageous. Work have turned off all the hand dryers and now we are expected to switch to "pay per towel". Well, the laptop is going to get wet then. #LunchPun

Our band's gig at the recent opening of the new fried chicken restaurant was cut short when I ate my drumsticks. #Lunchpun

The gang that beat me up last night had me in stitches. #LunchPun

I've got my first acting role in a play called "The Giant with the Broken Leg". It's nice to finally be part of the cast. #LunchPun

I fell out with my skydiving instructor yesterday. #LunchPun

When a cow vomited on the side of my head, it was moo sick to my ears. #LunchPun

I've written a joke about the world's largest pizza. It's gonna take some topping. #LunchPun

After someone wired up the trampoline at the gymnastics club to the mains, I did 240 vaults. #LunchPun

Ever since I got sacked from my job at the local upholstery repair company, I've never recovered. #LunchPun

My pot addiction is causing issues between me and my wife. She says she is fed up of snooker and wants to watch her favourite TV shows instead. #LunchPun

Police last night arrested a man breaking into a local McDonalds after he triggered the burger alarm. #LunchPun

I changed the sign in the office to "Bored Room". No-one has complained. #Lunchpun

My mate was bragging about how he benched 300 yesterday. He is a terrible football coach. #Lunchpun

On my mate's advice, I've recently started getting into boxing. It's costing me a fortune in parcel tape. #LunchPun

I've recently been having trubble smelling my works correctly. Last week the doctor said I had irritable vowel syndrome. This week she is says i'm inconsonant. #LunchPun

It was chaos at the zoo today. All you could hear for nearly an hour was "THERE'S NO BAMBOO, I HAVE A SMALL CHILD AND THERE IS NO BAMBOO!" Panda moany mum. #LunchPun

Got called in to work today on my day off because apparently there was a hacker in the building and i needed to find them. Ended up taking part in a ritual war dance. #LunchPun

-"That new convenience shop in Wrexham high street started trading today" -"Evans' opened?" -"Actually it was surprisingly dry for Wales" #LunchPun

Investigations are ongoing into a new top secret North Korean military project codenamed LOOK SQUIRREL. Multiple nations are concerned about a new weapon of mass distraction. #LunchPun

It was only after i left my paint tray on the bench thay i realised it was satin. #LunchPun

My dad used to listen exclusively to classical music whilst sitting in his recliner. Times have changed, he discovered heavy metal and now he has a rocking chair. #LunchPun

If i were a tree, i think i'd be a yew tree. I never was very poplar. #LunchPun

My friend who is obsessed with organising everything has categorised me as "Messy". I wish he wouldn't label me like that. #LunchPun

-"I've just bought the best male reindeer available from a local breeder." -"Prize stag?" -"Oh you don't want to know how much i spent" #LunchPun

Regarding my earlier derogatory statement about faulty tape measures. I wish to retract it. #LunchPun

-"I've just been to see a house sale." -"Sounds like a stupid thing to put on a roof" #Lunchpun

Esteemed musical Stradivarius is reported to have had a very bad temper. He also had a long history of violins. #LunchPun

I entered the world acne championships last week. I didn't win a medal, but I got a spot prize. #LunchPun

My wife has a new job down by the beach, but it's very hard to say what it entails. She sells sea shells on the seashore. #Lunchpun

I've got half a pound of rice to trade for a nice shiny balloon. I can choose a balloon that looks like either: an old man that looks like my grandad; a phantom or some rodent looking creature. So... Pop, Ghost or Weasel? #LunchPun

When i realised I'd swallowed my mobile phone, I dialled a little inside. #LunchPun

I was supposed to send an alert out about the recent high winds, but it got stuck in my drafts. #LunchPun

I asked my dad to back up loads of pictures to the cloud. He got fined for throwing photos out of an upstairs window. #Lunchpun

I shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm a member of a secret underground society where people only speak to those who are as tall as they are. The first rule of height club is that you don’t talk about height club. #Lunchpun

Today, I discovered the earth isn't a flat disc and that i don't live on the edge of it. Oh well, it's not the end of the world. #Lunchpun

My mate has started a business specialising in buying and selling clockwork toys. At least he says he has. He's a wind-up merchant. #LunchPun

-"My wife passed out at the card tables at the casino last night." -"Poker?" -"Several times, but she was so drunk she didn't move" #Lunchpun

I'm off to sell off my cd collection to a local shop to help overcome my addiction to cheesy 90s pop music. I'm taking Steps to help my recovery. #Lunchpun

-"Why have you brought me out on my birthday to show me a huge cow on a barge?".. -"It's your present. You said you wanted a boat ox" #LunchPun

In preparation for the Christmas season, I've started a diet of mince pies and candy canes. I'm trying out elfy eating. #Lunchpun

My wallet is gonna need strengthening if I have to carry one of those newfangled high density cards. #Lunchpun

-"I've asked the council to remove the spraypaint from the horse chestnut over the road." -"Tree dirty?" -"I have no idea when they are going to turn up." #LunchPun

Due to a mix-up in the IKEA and Gregg's supply chains, some customers may be receiving flapjack furniture today. #Lunchpun