A Shining Wit
@caffeine748.bsky.social
📤 179
📥 85
📝 326
I write terrible dad jokes. Not about terrible dads, though.
Disappointed in the women's curling coverage. Just a bunch of girls doing their hair.
#Lunchpun
2 days ago
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I like to go to fancy dress parties dressed as an enormous pair of glasses. My wife says i'm always making a spectacle of myself.
#LunchPun
3 days ago
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On a scale of one to ten, I can't weigh myself.
#Lunchpun
4 days ago
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-"See that ugly guy there, i think he works in the local church" -"The guy with no arms? Are you sure? -"Well his face certainly rings a bell"
#Lunchpun
5 days ago
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My favourite TV channel is dedicated to wildlife shows featuring tall animals. It's National giraffic.
#Lunchpun
6 days ago
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"I had to rush into a luxury car showroom to find a toilet for my 3 year old." "Ferrari?" "No, he needed a massive dump"
#Lunchpun
9 days ago
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Did you know, a famous hymn was written after Jesus was served slightly burned Italian food. Singed lasagna to the king of kings.
#LunchPun
10 days ago
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When i set up my Minecraft themed store I didn't quite know what to expect from the surrounding shop keepers. Little did I know there'd be creeper cushions.
#Lunchpun
11 days ago
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Rubber gloves are very handy.
#Lunchpun
12 days ago
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My trapeze artist son has recently been spending time with some dodgy looking sumo wrestlers. I'm not sure i want him hanging round in those circles.
#Lunchpun
13 days ago
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I pay my pet lizard to let me know if there are issues with the computer screen he favours lying on . I give money to my monitor monitor monitor.
#Lunchpun
19 days ago
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To find out the last person who called you from a bungalow, dial one floor seven one.
#Lunchpun
#RateMyPun
23 days ago
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One day, God looked down at the wrinkles on his newly created walrus and decided to flatten them out. And that is how the seal iron came to be.
#LunchPun
#RateMyPun
24 days ago
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I've got a job repairing toilets on a submarine. I'm plumbing new depths.
#LunchPun
25 days ago
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I'm keen to learn how to be a trapeze artist, so I've joined a local swingers club. First session tomorrow, can't wait.
#LunchPun
26 days ago
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Just took another juicy burger off the barbie. My 5 year old daughter is going to be furious when she sees the stains on it's dress.
#LunchPun
27 days ago
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The only fish of the day fell off the hook so we won't be getting dinner today. My missed hake.
#LunchPun
about 1 month ago
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My new colleague has just quit his network engineer job in Sydney to move to our company in the UK. He comes from a LAN down under.
#Lunchpun
about 1 month ago
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-"Here's a pen and a seating map of the theatre, go and make a note of any seat that needs repairing." -"Biro?" -"I don't care which order you do it"
#LunchPun
about 1 month ago
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I have to do a speech at the world angry finger poking championships. I'm doing a power point presentation.
#LunchPun
about 1 month ago
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I go to a social club for accountants with calculators that won't do subtraction. It's a minus welfare.
#Lunchpun
about 1 month ago
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My wife got very excited when she saw me stripping in the bedroom earlier. She's been waiting for me to decorate in there for months.
#LunchPun
about 1 month ago
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I watched someone jump off a cliff yesterday. It was cliff richard. He was furious. Tried to hit them with a tennis racket...
#LunchPun
about 1 month ago
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You should always wave and smile at the driver as the salt spreading lorry goes past. I say that through gritted teeth.
#LunchPun
about 1 month ago
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At school, my mate 18-fingered Frank was always the one you could count on.
#LunchPun
about 1 month ago
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I'm now so old that I remember trying to avoid Roman charges on trips away.
#LunchPun
about 1 month ago
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I decided to have a go at sledging for the first time in years yesterday. How i missed it. I nearly got 4 players from our rival cricket team to cry.
#LunchPun
about 2 months ago
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-Next door keeps putting nappies down the toilet and everything keeps getting backed up. -Sewer? -Well we've tried asking nicely so that might be next.
#Lunchpun
about 2 months ago
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"I nearly collapsed when I saw the output of my new mega expensive printer." "Faint?" "Barely readable. It's going back tomorrow"
#Lunchpun
about 2 months ago
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I called to make an enquiry about booking a London venue for an event. Their answer machine said "York Hall is important to us." I put the phone down as I wanted Alexandra Palace.
#LunchPun
2 months ago
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Rumour has it, following a bitter row, M.C. Hammer and Pete Tong have been going at it for years.
#LunchPun
2 months ago
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For the third year in a row, I tried to get into my work's Christmas party dressed as a buffet platter. Foiled again.
#LunchPun
2 months ago
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I've just been awarded employee of the year at the Royal Mint. They said I've done a sterling job.
#LunchPun
2 months ago
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Someone on a dating app said i looked average. I thought "that's mean"
#Lunchpun
2 months ago
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It's been a day of ups and downs. I've got pockets full of cash, but I've also been banned from the pub pool team.
#LunchPun
2 months ago
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I'm convinced my army of leaf cutters are trying to sing "God Save the King" but don't know the words. It's the National Ant Hum.
#LunchPun
2 months ago
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I asked my postman if he was feeling better after a chihuahua attacked him recently. He said he was a little bit.
#Lunchpun
3 months ago
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My wife left me because of my obsession with budget supermarkets. She said it wasn't the general fixation as such, but Aldi Lidl things got to her in the end.
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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My dad's estranged sister is a horrible woman. Whenever auntie Matter comes round, everyone disappears.
#Lunchpun
3 months ago
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My friend Emma Great has just moved abroad.
#Lunchpun
3 months ago
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-"A old scientist i know professes to have discovered an ocean on the moon." -"Lunar sea?" -"Yeah I think he's going a bit doo lally"
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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Outrageous. Work have turned off all the hand dryers and now we are expected to switch to "pay per towel". Well, the laptop is going to get wet then.
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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Our band's gig at the recent opening of the new fried chicken restaurant was cut short when I ate my drumsticks.
#Lunchpun
3 months ago
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The gang that beat me up last night had me in stitches.
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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I've got my first acting role in a play called "The Giant with the Broken Leg". It's nice to finally be part of the cast.
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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I fell out with my skydiving instructor yesterday.
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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When a cow vomited on the side of my head, it was moo sick to my ears.
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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I've written a joke about the world's largest pizza. It's gonna take some topping.
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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After someone wired up the trampoline at the gymnastics club to the mains, I did 240 vaults.
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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Ever since I got sacked from my job at the local upholstery repair company, I've never recovered.
#LunchPun
3 months ago
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