I entered the world acne championships last week. I didn't win a medal, but I got a spot prize. #LunchPun

My wife has a new job down by the beach, but it's very hard to say what it entails. She sells sea shells on the seashore. #Lunchpun

I've got half a pound of rice to trade for a nice shiny balloon. I can choose a balloon that looks like either: an old man that looks like my grandad; a phantom or some rodent looking creature. So... Pop, Ghost or Weasel? #LunchPun

When i realised I'd swallowed my mobile phone, I dialled a little inside. #LunchPun

I was supposed to send an alert out about the recent high winds, but it got stuck in my drafts. #LunchPun

I asked my dad to back up loads of pictures to the cloud. He got fined for throwing photos out of an upstairs window. #Lunchpun

I shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm a member of a secret underground society where people only speak to those who are as tall as they are. The first rule of height club is that you don’t talk about height club. #Lunchpun

Today, I discovered the earth isn't a flat disc and that i don't live on the edge of it. Oh well, it's not the end of the world. #Lunchpun

My mate has started a business specialising in buying and selling clockwork toys. At least he says he has. He's a wind-up merchant. #LunchPun

-"My wife passed out at the card tables at the casino last night." -"Poker?" -"Several times, but she was so drunk she didn't move" #Lunchpun

I'm off to sell off my cd collection to a local shop to help overcome my addiction to cheesy 90s pop music. I'm taking Steps to help my recovery. #Lunchpun

-"Why have you brought me out on my birthday to show me a huge cow on a barge?".. -"It's your present. You said you wanted a boat ox" #LunchPun

In preparation for the Christmas season, I've started a diet of mince pies and candy canes. I'm trying out elfy eating. #Lunchpun

My wallet is gonna need strengthening if I have to carry one of those newfangled high density cards. #Lunchpun

-"I've asked the council to remove the spraypaint from the horse chestnut over the road." -"Tree dirty?" -"I have no idea when they are going to turn up." #LunchPun

Due to a mix-up in the IKEA and Gregg's supply chains, some customers may be receiving flapjack furniture today. #Lunchpun

Everywhere I look, I see people singing "Parklife". I've got Blurred vision. #Lunchpun

A set of office drawers just shot past my third storey window. I think it was a flying cabinet. #Lunchpun

People say you should live in the present. Until you get caught by customs officers, then they arrest you. #Lunchpun

-"Everywhere I go, people start reciting "You can't touch this. " I hate it so much that I've written to broadcasters asking them not to play it. " -"Stop Hammer time?" -"NOT YOU AS WELL!" #Lunchpun

-"Neigh neigh, clippety clop Clippety clippety clop clop. What's that all about?" -"It's Horse code.' #LunchPun

-"So councillor, what do you think about transgender refuse collectors campaign for better work place conditions?" -"Bin men?" -"Well I'm sure some have transitioned the other way, too" #LunchPun

-"My ideas worked! At the national flower arranging festival, the bouncy castle and the outdoor cinema showing classic movies were a big hit." -"Did you watch Florists jump?" -"No, Back to the Fuchsia" #Lunchpun

An Australian BBQ competition was abandoned after thick fog swept in from the sea. It was grillers in the mist. #Lunchpun

Got a message from my mate this morning. "When you come later round, press the doorbell, but if it doesn't work, ring me." #Lunchpun

My mate wanted me to help him get a job as a puppeteer. I said I'd try to pull a few strings. #Lunchpun

I'm halfway through my challenge to eat one of every item in the local bakery. I'm on a roll #Lunchpun

My mouse traps worked beautifully at work. The people who now can't use their computers are furious, though. #Lunchpun

I'll never understand why exit polls are so popular. Whatever notes your vote, I suppose. #LunchPun

-"My local women's football team have cancelled the loan of their new player after 2 weeks." -"Sent her back?" -"No, left wing." #LunchPun

I never see any toaster related content on my PC thanks to my pop up blocker. #LunchPun

-"How much do you really want to go to play on those silly retro commodore computers?" -"Amiga" -"Fine, just this once" #Lunchpun

Someone who had a divine vision told me to start a business selling football and tennis equipment. It was a net prophet. #Lunchpun

I found out about the affair the hard way. When I walked in on them, I'd never seen anything quite like it in my wife. #Lunchpun

The M5 has been closed due to a fruit tanker springing a leak. According to reports, the jam goes back for over 10 miles. #Lunchpun

-"The Royal train has been delayed due to signalling issues in London, with the Royal Family waiting to board" -"King's Cross?" -"Absolutely furious, he's going to miss Bargain Hunt" #Lunchpun

Does bad light get sent to prism? #Lunchpun

There's been an explosion releasing hundreds of shiny silver credit cards by a famous Italian building. It's a gleaming shower of Visa. #Lunchpun

I've named this dalek Arnie. He's an ex-terminator. #LunchPun

The cash machine at the bank said I'm not likely to fall over any time soon. I do love an ATM with free balance enquiries. #LunchPun

I've nicknamed my pacemaker rudolph. It's very deer to my heart. #LunchPun

I was shooting some hoops the other day when I got kicked out of the spaghetti factory. #Lunchpun

I had written a joke about unwanted waste, but I think i'll skip it today. #Lunchpun

Skittles are the sweets of choice for the band, the actors like M&Ms. But only Smarties have the dancers. #Lunchpun

The most adhesive type of bird is the Vell Crow. #Lunchpun

My grandad was buried under the green of his favourite golf hole. Everyone has been over pa ever since. #Lunchpun

I've forgotten where i put my memory foam shoes. #Lunchpun

An explosives technician who blew up several clean air zone detection cameras is in court today. He's on charges for planting charges to avoid charges. #LunchPun

I was having a great day, picked up my new car, and everything was going fine until I got sideswiped by a lorry load of turpentine. It really took the gloss off it. #Lunchpun

They started by closing the free canteen at work, now everyone is tightening their belts. #Lunchpun