Disappointed in the women's curling coverage. Just a bunch of girls doing their hair. #Lunchpun

I like to go to fancy dress parties dressed as an enormous pair of glasses. My wife says i'm always making a spectacle of myself. #LunchPun

On a scale of one to ten, I can't weigh myself. #Lunchpun

-"See that ugly guy there, i think he works in the local church" -"The guy with no arms? Are you sure? -"Well his face certainly rings a bell" #Lunchpun

My favourite TV channel is dedicated to wildlife shows featuring tall animals. It's National giraffic. #Lunchpun

"I had to rush into a luxury car showroom to find a toilet for my 3 year old." "Ferrari?" "No, he needed a massive dump" #Lunchpun

Did you know, a famous hymn was written after Jesus was served slightly burned Italian food. Singed lasagna to the king of kings. #LunchPun

When i set up my Minecraft themed store I didn't quite know what to expect from the surrounding shop keepers. Little did I know there'd be creeper cushions. #Lunchpun

Rubber gloves are very handy. #Lunchpun

My trapeze artist son has recently been spending time with some dodgy looking sumo wrestlers. I'm not sure i want him hanging round in those circles. #Lunchpun

I pay my pet lizard to let me know if there are issues with the computer screen he favours lying on . I give money to my monitor monitor monitor. #Lunchpun

To find out the last person who called you from a bungalow, dial one floor seven one. #Lunchpun #RateMyPun

One day, God looked down at the wrinkles on his newly created walrus and decided to flatten them out. And that is how the seal iron came to be. #LunchPun #RateMyPun

I've got a job repairing toilets on a submarine. I'm plumbing new depths. #LunchPun

I'm keen to learn how to be a trapeze artist, so I've joined a local swingers club. First session tomorrow, can't wait. #LunchPun

Just took another juicy burger off the barbie. My 5 year old daughter is going to be furious when she sees the stains on it's dress. #LunchPun

The only fish of the day fell off the hook so we won't be getting dinner today. My missed hake. #LunchPun

My new colleague has just quit his network engineer job in Sydney to move to our company in the UK. He comes from a LAN down under. #Lunchpun

-"Here's a pen and a seating map of the theatre, go and make a note of any seat that needs repairing." -"Biro?" -"I don't care which order you do it" #LunchPun

I have to do a speech at the world angry finger poking championships. I'm doing a power point presentation. #LunchPun

I go to a social club for accountants with calculators that won't do subtraction. It's a minus welfare. #Lunchpun

My wife got very excited when she saw me stripping in the bedroom earlier. She's been waiting for me to decorate in there for months. #LunchPun

I watched someone jump off a cliff yesterday. It was cliff richard. He was furious. Tried to hit them with a tennis racket... #LunchPun

You should always wave and smile at the driver as the salt spreading lorry goes past. I say that through gritted teeth. #LunchPun

At school, my mate 18-fingered Frank was always the one you could count on. #LunchPun

I'm now so old that I remember trying to avoid Roman charges on trips away. #LunchPun

I decided to have a go at sledging for the first time in years yesterday. How i missed it. I nearly got 4 players from our rival cricket team to cry. #LunchPun

-Next door keeps putting nappies down the toilet and everything keeps getting backed up. -Sewer? -Well we've tried asking nicely so that might be next. #Lunchpun

"I nearly collapsed when I saw the output of my new mega expensive printer." "Faint?" "Barely readable. It's going back tomorrow" #Lunchpun

I called to make an enquiry about booking a London venue for an event. Their answer machine said "York Hall is important to us." I put the phone down as I wanted Alexandra Palace. #LunchPun

Rumour has it, following a bitter row, M.C. Hammer and Pete Tong have been going at it for years. #LunchPun

For the third year in a row, I tried to get into my work's Christmas party dressed as a buffet platter. Foiled again. #LunchPun

I've just been awarded employee of the year at the Royal Mint. They said I've done a sterling job. #LunchPun

Someone on a dating app said i looked average. I thought "that's mean" #Lunchpun

It's been a day of ups and downs. I've got pockets full of cash, but I've also been banned from the pub pool team. #LunchPun

I'm convinced my army of leaf cutters are trying to sing "God Save the King" but don't know the words. It's the National Ant Hum. #LunchPun

I asked my postman if he was feeling better after a chihuahua attacked him recently. He said he was a little bit. #Lunchpun

My wife left me because of my obsession with budget supermarkets. She said it wasn't the general fixation as such, but Aldi Lidl things got to her in the end. #LunchPun

My dad's estranged sister is a horrible woman. Whenever auntie Matter comes round, everyone disappears. #Lunchpun

My friend Emma Great has just moved abroad. #Lunchpun

-"A old scientist i know professes to have discovered an ocean on the moon." -"Lunar sea?" -"Yeah I think he's going a bit doo lally" #LunchPun

Outrageous. Work have turned off all the hand dryers and now we are expected to switch to "pay per towel". Well, the laptop is going to get wet then. #LunchPun

Our band's gig at the recent opening of the new fried chicken restaurant was cut short when I ate my drumsticks. #Lunchpun

The gang that beat me up last night had me in stitches. #LunchPun

I've got my first acting role in a play called "The Giant with the Broken Leg". It's nice to finally be part of the cast. #LunchPun

I fell out with my skydiving instructor yesterday. #LunchPun

When a cow vomited on the side of my head, it was moo sick to my ears. #LunchPun

I've written a joke about the world's largest pizza. It's gonna take some topping. #LunchPun

After someone wired up the trampoline at the gymnastics club to the mains, I did 240 vaults. #LunchPun

Ever since I got sacked from my job at the local upholstery repair company, I've never recovered. #LunchPun