I want a chocolate chip cookie so bad I could just turn inside out.

When a beige athleisure brand releases a "limited edition" color and it's just red.

Everyone in this gym looks like they put ketchup on tacos and still think that it matters where they went to college.

Going on literal hot girl walks this week.

Nice work, everyone! Keep it up!

My Chicago friends have an aversion to using sun visors in their cars. "It doesn't really work." Then why does everyone in Texas own one, eh?

If you move to the middle of the city and think people won't still post about coyotes on the Citizen app, you're wrong.

I regret sitting over a plug unwittingly. The number of people at this cafe who have decided to dive under my table to plug in without so much as an "excuse me" is racking up. The least you can do is say a pardon to the person at the table, bah god.

To the man and his girl swinging their arms around and taking up the whole sidewalk on a busy Sunday afternoon, I'm glad that I got you as good as you got me. That beer went FLYING, man.

It’s like when your food is taking a long time to come out so your server brings some free bread to apologize for the wait.

Finally visiting the new Arwa Coffee I've waited for in Chicago and they have the Mirthmobile mounted to the ceiling. Didn't expect that.

It's weird seeing full, adult people make videos on being raised by a single teen mom, and their mom is my age.

Of course I start getting mad cravings for fresh fruit right when it's causing everyone explosive diarrhea.

Finally watched the first two episodes of The Bear and saw my actual living room windows in a montage between scenes.

I am far too gassy for having eaten a chicken wrap for dinner.

People really blast tunes in their 300 sq ft apartment like it's 2500 and they might not be able to hear it from the other room

Hooooly rosemary-maple salted latte... It's the Nouveau Organic/Frasurbane Global Village Coffeehouse of my dreams.

Getting on any bus off Michigan Ave is like getting in the car as a dog. I'm not sure where it's taking me, but I hope it's where I want to go. It's probably not following the route that I expect.

I do not post screenshots from the X app because I am not an importer of filth. All the filth you see here is organic and locally sourced

I'll say, one shot of corticosteroid in your belly button at 9am sure is better than three.

Lol, my Instacart shopper isn't gonna being me anything. Damn. Can't find any berries or sandwich turkey? Even the backups I provided?

Never ask a local what dish or restaurant to try in any city. It will just be wadded beef wrapped in a gummy cheese that leaks grease on your lap for ~$26.

Once again, cinnamon was sprinkled onto my cappuccino unexpectedly and I had wanted to taste that drink. Now the whole thing tastes like Christmas in July all the way down.

Damn, the Milwaukee Public Museum has everything. 90s technology and Utopian Scholastic aesthetic.

This brewery playlist just went from AFI's Days of the Phoenix to Shania Twain's That Don't Impress Me Much with zero filler.

When you're driving from Chicago to Milwaukee, so you gotta play "Hey, Mickey," but your guy never saw Wayne's World so he doesn't get the reference 😭

Thank god I already took benedryl for a different allergic reaction this morning, because I didn't realize my lunch had kimchi in it. And I ate the whoooole thing.

The plain fish with greens and grains: 420 calories The same fish swapping brown rice for white rice with a little sauce and cashews sprinkled on top: 1200 calories 😭

Every time Accuweather says "lightning detected in your area," the nearest clouds are over Wisconsin...or Michigan.

"Good news! Record profits!" "Raises are cancelled and we're on a promotional freeze." "We are cancelling all employee growth programs." "Please use the GPT for all projects." "We have now throttled Claude and placed monthly limits on access."

Men truly do not understand stadium bag rules, lol.

I miss working out with people who give grace. Like college athletes who knew the feeling of coming back from injury, or people getting back into fitness during new parenthood or middle age. Now, it's solely smug 20-somethings who don't know what it's like to do plyometrics with tits and ass yet.

I never could quite put my finger on "it," but I finally realized that my friend has the same music taste as Kohl's.

cant believe nyc is not only walkable but climbable

If you're looking for some genuinely spicy food in Chicago, I'm here to preach Pho's Thai on Lincoln. I got the "Xtra Spicy" and finally met the talkin' space coyote. Some dude did the 5x spicy challenge at 21x. He probably sees through time permanently. He knows how and when you die.

Hm, that's not whatcha want.

Glad I didn't head into the office before opening IG to see a news reel that the intersection is shut down due to a murder at the entrance to the building :/ 110 bullet casings? They riddled the place, man. Fuck. 1920s-ass behavior.

The purple line conductor just yelled "please try your best" regarding boarding a packed rush hour train and I felt it in my soul.

Last night, I woke from my slumber and thought, "what if I got a tattoo of Miss Piggy as Dolly Parton?" Completely forgot about it and woke up to a folder of inspo pics featuring Piggy and Dolly together in western wear.

Everything is a scam and no one has rights except the scammers

Surely many of them are just walking to Southport too. The brown line looks, sounds, and smells like the damn Bama Rush on game days.

I'm determined to have a Miss Piggy Summer.

Everyone keeps telling me, "oh, you can't be used to this heat, it's not humid in Texas. Our heat is really different here." AU CONTRAIRE, MON FRÈRE.

oh no.

Went for a walk to get coffee and listen to every baby boy in a backwards cap and boat shoes complaining about the heat. TELL YOUR DADDEH TO STOP FLYING PRIVATE THEN, TANNER.

What a weird-ass place where the sun is up by 4:50, but the donut shops aren't open at 5.

I overheard two little kids arguing heatedly about whether dead people become ghosts or stars.

Love to see my home town represent 💁‍♀️🧀

The way I will slam a door on someone so fast if they act like I (a total stranger) am their personal doorman.

no matter how busy I am, I always make time for wishing JD Vance misfortune I’m Appalachian so my hatred is personal he brings back memories of my drunk mama making us look bad in public, it’s like “well now we can’t go back to The Shrimp Shack, we ain’t living that down” but in global politics