The princess switch trilogy is better than the home alone trilogy and thats literally not my fault

ERIN. (STILL)NEVER. MISSES.

nicolas cage-mas: thread

rebecca parmesan

I like when animals are friends

Piss boi, logging on

Dropping thurstmas on bluesky (where i try not to be horny) is like going to a museum to do your taxes

I just insulted my kid, I call that a sonburn

Gaining weight and chopping my hair for the winter as god intended

didn't watch 👇 fake fan

Me entering my 2 y.o's room: "Hmmm.... Where could lil pants be? Has anyone seen him!?" Muffled voice, quietly (but very sure) from the closet "yaaa"

what THEY won't tell you is it's a combination pizza hut and taco bell because the two restaurants are fucking!

What’s wrong babe? You’ve barely touched that giant, swinging, viscous, stringy rope of snot hanging from your nose during your performative cryfest.

I like to leave the nails on my chicken fingers

I like when uggos are called "character actors"

mfw i need uppies from you specifically

Not now kitten, daddy is helping hamburger

Cutting my toenails is my most dreaded body maintenance task.

Do our brains run on Ac or Dc?

The prison shower scene from American History X is a Christmas movie

'Whats eating Gilbert Grape' is a Christmas movie

Donuts aren't worth it

“And what is the charge? Eating a seal? A succulent Chinese seal? GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS!”

For Christmas the present im getting myself will be deleting Twitter from my phone

Id be the perfect host for an alien parasite

20 year old me was absolutely toppled by a brunette woman with thick framed glasses and a baseball tee (Also 39 year old me when my wife (or christina ricci) adorns such attire)

Has there ever been a slender man Pope?

Why doesnt this app have drafts? I need to write posts and then be horrified and ashamed without anyone else seeing

The doctor said that I, a very youthful 39 year old man, have arthritis in my... big toe? Guys... what the heck?

Just an almost retired poster, posting through his death throw era

Hey google, what does that thang do?

Wait... Ricky "if you dont like dogs, fuck off" Gervais, doesnt even own a dog?! EXCUSE ME??

Dummy thicc but its just my brain

Supercharged my snot

Not to brag... but my wife says its the best pumpkin pie shes ever had (couldnt wait for the pic to take my first bite)

Attempting to turn a pumpkin into pie filling please stand by

FINE, IM UP. But im not happy about it.

The best bit of the turkey is when they let me pick it out live just like the lobsters

The absolute coolest thing the British have ever done is nickname Susan "Sooz"

Without cocaine we would not have the rock flair "WOOO!" and I honestly think its probably worth it. Like overall. On a global scale, worth it.

Happy Planes, Trains, and Automobiles day to all those who celebrate

Americans have a lot of insane traditions but a holiday on a Thursday has got to top the list

Here's some Bruce for you

Me - where did you put the Xmas lights Wife- with xmas decorations Me- wheres that Wife- basement Me- where tho Wife- where we put the decorations Me- I dont know where you moved them to Wife- beside the Halloween stuff Me- you gotta help me out here Wife-???? Me- 😭

We all know which Blippi is the worst Blippi

The states is so far behind Canada, bro. I heard they are JUST NOW having their Thanksgiving. Literally so embarrassing.

the muppets do deviled eggs: thread

Living room was too quiet to have a toddler in it so I peaked in to see my guy driving his lil truck in his breakfast fruit bowl. He looked at me, shocked, and just said "bye bye daddy", indicating what was going on was none of my god damn business. He was right 🫡

Is it called dragon fruit bc dragons like it is it because its made from the dragons themselves?

Last night shift of the week please clap