It takes two eyes to blink and yet we call turn signals blinkers and not winkers.

Time travel is one of the few types of travel where it actually is about the destination.

Trump says our economy is booming but implosions make a booming sound too.

My biggest baseball hot take is you should have to run the bases with whatever gear you had on in the batter’s box.

When I play strip poker I wear a one piece jumpsuit and go all-in on every hand.

My mom is visiting from out of town. We’re at the #timbersfc match. I told her to tell me when she heard “whistle guy” and didn’t explain it any more than that. Part way through the first half she looked at me and said “whistle guy!”

This is what democracy looks like. #NoKings

“Relax relax” says the soccer dad to the high school players while he is clearly not relaxed.

I’ll try anything 10 times

Can we talk about catchers “framing” a pitch from the top of the strike zone all the way to the bottom of the strike zone? Is this fooling anyone? How long has this been acceptable? I’m not talking about kids who are still learning. I’m talking about full grown MLB players doing this. #mlb #baseball

It’s maddening to look through my news feed and constantly see stories about Trump sending National Guard Troops to blue cities he claims are war-zones followed by stories of mass shootings happening in red cities.

Praying is just asking to speak to the Manager.

In 2016 I was so naive. I really thought all of Trump’s executive orders would be Big Macs.

I wish it was standard practice that anytime you post an image of someone with a quote they said, you include a link to a video of them saying it, otherwise everyone can assume it’s fake.

Remember. Always. #NYC #skyline #WTC #September11th2001

Over at Techdirt I wrote about how Trump FCC boss Brendan Carr and Ted Cruz have joined forces to fuck over poor rural school kids:

Ever since we began doing standing ovations we have not really made any new ovation advancements and I think it’s time.

Can we have a serious conversation about how Truck Nuts should be on the front of the truck?

I cannot wait for this John Candy doc. ❤️ m.youtube.com/watch?v=PrcQ...

Here’s some cool baseball memorabilia. When I was growing up in Kansas City, KS, my dad owned an indoor batting cage business called Grand Slam USA. The Royals players would come to the cages in the off-season to do some training. #baseball #mlb

Come on Irene! Ya know what I mean? www.propublica.org/article/iren...

My dog doesn’t go on walks. He goes on saunters.

Finally got to see Superman and I’m cracking up that anyone could have possibly considered this movie woke or liberal. If you see yourself in Lex Luthor you’re just a terrible person and it’s hilarious.

Unless it was my job, I can’t imagine talking or even thinking about a company’s logo for more than 30 seconds.

I’m at a hospital and just noticed there is a bank here and man that is really bleak. “Need to take out a loan so you can continue getting medical care? Step into my office.”

You know how sometimes you think you can save yourself a lot of time if you have your kids do some of the household chores for you but then you end up having to explain and re-explain what to do and then you have to micro manage them and finally you end up just doing it yourself? That’s AI. #AI

(Airline announcement) “Overhead space is available for all passengers but space is limited so some passengers will need to check their bags at the gate.”

Nickelback.

Loving the choice to respond to high unemployment rates by unemploying more people.

I'm watching Speed for the first time in years. I'm just now realizing how many times I must have watched this back in the day because I still know so many of the lines by heart.

sherlock holmes doing one of his classic deduction sequences to conclude the boys are in fact back in town

Not really an overstatement to say that the test of a free society is whether or not comedians can make fun of the country's leader on TV without repurcussions.

I thought my sister had keyboard clicking on her iPhone turned on but it’s just her nails.

I am not loving the ergonomics of that mouse setup

Thots and players

I’m flying on a small airline today. My plane just pulled up to the gate. Correction, 3 guys just pulled my plane up to the gate.

😁😁

Better yet, I can seriously see him running for president. #makeithappen #colbertforpresident #Colbert2028 #truthiness #President #itssocrazyitcouldactuallywork

We should start calling him Trumpstein

Instead of all the assassin shenanigans, the JOHN WICK sequels should have been about him avenging the deaths of larger and larger pets. A platypus. A monkey. A pony. A bear. An elephant. A whale.

(Gangster voice) “Is it time to stop snubbing the guy running a protection racket in your neighborhood?”

Are laxatives for men maxatives.

Do you ever listen to the National Anthem and then immediately google “rampart”?

When I hit the snooze button more than twice

My dog waiting for me to feed him right when I wake up #squidgame

gotham has three world class universities with great liberal arts programs, but the city has cut its discretionary budget to the bone to fund the police. that's why when the joker takes over the mob there's a bunch of low level goons ready and eager to wear facepaint and do coordinated dance numbers

Is it time to stop wearing seatbelts?

Not sure what is more unhinged. The fact that he goes to Hooters 4-6x per week, or that he calls it “dining”.

For the record I have gained without pain several times

Is anyone actually competing for Michelob Ultras? Be honest.