Looks like Shohei Ohtani is doing some real GAMBLING with some of those pitches 😂 🤣

So fucking sick of movie theater employees ASSUMING I’m going to see The Smashing Machine due to my freakishly muscular physique

Twin Cities marathon has a maple syrup refueling station

Totally normal October day in Minnesota! Cashing in my 401k soon

sorry but Indy is not an egomaniac

new Bond movie looks good

Record low productivity forecasted for Chicago this week

“i bet you discovered the Higgs BOZO particle” ~great insult to use with your scientist friends

@millsypop.bsky.social anyway @kyleskey.bsky.social got his romper caught in the fan blades and it ripped clean off Unfortunately his misshapen dick/balls distracted the crowd while the fan motor caught fire. 14 people died and their last memory was of Kyle’s naked ass sprinting out of there

Hold strong Hawkeyes (don’t cave and sign up for Peacock)

Remember Vikings fans, you dishonor the team by sleeping tonight so don’t forget to pull an all nighter w/ 20-30 beers

when someone reads my #posts

The wifi in heaven is a fucking joke

Just got raptured, all Packers fans here. It’s not too late to convert!

Just getting ready for the rapture tomorrow @robdelaney.bsky.social this offer still on the table?

Apparently Camila Cabello was in Iowa yesterday and her singing next to parked cars has me bummed out beyond belief

If any theater owners need a cocktail list for One Battle After Another ⬇️

bringing my #sensei to this

Your soul big money Your soul big money When you shop Menards

#sex #dance #friday #powerful #gym #fitness

CONGRATULATIONS to the INDIANA FEVER and the MINNESOTA LYNX for advancing in the WBNA playoffs. You make the MIDWEST proud!! Sad that the CHICAGO SKY were the only midwest LOSERS this year who did not even make the PLAYOFFS (due to 12,000 calorie ‘CHICAGO STYLE’ meals)

Silly Jimmy Kimmel. He should have just called for all homeless people to be killed and he’d still have a job.

Calling peoples' employers in a rage because their tributes to Robert Redford weren't horny enough

#wow #cool #history #inventions #wizards #jeff

Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases

Thrilling to be in the room & watch her say this ❤️🇵🇸

another stadium crossed off the list

so moist rn

We finally fixed illegal immigration (nobody wants to come here anymore)

Harsh but fair

@millsypop.bsky.social I told Rob if he won an Emmy to tonight that you would buy him a burger at In-N-Out

#wellness #zen #saxophone #peace #harmony

I missed the memo on pink wigs

I think about this a lot. Also applies to basically all dairy products. #coffee

personal favorite

SF in June was UV index of 11 (highest the scale goes) and 60 degrees. Ive never worn so much sunscreen and been so cold

Temporary alliance for the next few hours #BeatTheBears

Tired of hearing the Packers have the weakest team name. Packers are human beings in modern times that have access modern weaponry. “They be packin” etc Gun > Bear Gun > Lion Gun > 9th century Norwegian

A portal just opened up and my future self walked though. He begged me to stop drinking on a work night. I told him to stfu and kicked him back to tomorrow morning. Fuck that guy