(graduating class of 2026 is booing me) I didn’t say you had to shoot EACH OTHER with the gun we give you! you could also shoot yourself with it! god

waiter said i look like Velma from scooby-doo :(

an airline where the pilot also cooks the food

we have enough ants. please pause all ant production.

can’t work tomorrow bc unreachable popcorn kernel

I dont have enough plastics in my brain if I’m still thinking

actually, it is illegal to softly chuckle at your own joke

Lindt master chocolatier in the epstein files

are the olympics still going on? i don’t want google to think i’m a fucking idiot

(elmo voice) BIG KNIFE, SMALL WIFE

two wizards kissing

aw it’s valentines day

rudy giuliani is 70% tissue paper

HELEN LEFT A WATER RING ON MY COASTER

me & my cat

my labubu is missing :(

imagine absolutely despising every fiber of my being AND THEN you find out i also bought hitler.com

I have no other option but to make rice pudding.

WAKE UP you’re in a cash cab right now

golf should be illegal

(at universal) can Harry Potter sign my tits

no one talks about this, but… hitler was also ugly

“an orca is basically a sea panda” is some hot garbage i would put on twitter but NOT here

my sim died because it used the toilet too much

did a DNA test. Grimace (McDonalds) is my father

had subway for the first time in awhile and it’s all I can think about now

admin reveal

why are they called Nerds? they look like skin tags

2025: the Duolingo owl smokes now

they changed the original Q-Tips recipe

cabbage is actually a fruit

not claustrophobic just hate holes

this is the moon speaking… stop looking at me

america's Sweetheart: the toilet

having a meatloaf sandwich @fbi

E.T.’s finger was originally uncircumcised

Sneezing in a manner that inspires Unity

*knocking on the cockpit* can I show you my pogs

Club Tits

no jacket. just want to be swarmed by locusts

woodchipper bumper sticker: be patient, student chipper

Programme 4 and New Dimension Records present the Easy AM 66 Promotional Album Vol. 3, brought to you by MagiClean® Carpet Cleaning Services! This rare promotional album is out TODAY on Bandcamp as a digital download OR as a VERY LIMITED EDITION VINYL LP: programme4.bandcamp.com/album/easy-a...

The Ultimatum S3 E1 Written By AI Sandal, 23, Went to high school on a boat "I’m 23 and I want to be married" Peter, 38, Los Angeles "I never want to be married. My girlfriend Sandal issued The Ultimatum but after speaking to JennyAnn in this pool for 45 minutes I think I could be convinced"

kids today don’t even know what a Mel B or C is

Paul, the original coca cola polar bear has been put down (2002 - 2024)

robert lol

Men, it isn't called "babysitting" when you watch your own kids. The proper term is "vatergartenarbeit", a German word that translates to "dad gardening".

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.